In the midst of grief, it seems odd that there is still beauty in the world. Sometimes blue skies and the sun and flowers and laughter all seem to exist in vain. How can the world keep turning when it feels like it stopped? How can beauty exist amongst so much pain? I’ve grappled with this more than I care to think about. We live in a broken world, one full of sorrow and pain. God doesn’t promise us a life free from these things, but He does promise two things: 1) He’s right there with us in the midst, He never leaves our side, and 2) For those whose hope is in Jesus, we can look forward to a Heaven where there is no more sorrow and pain.
I’ve learned that grief, while incredibly difficult, is the result of love. And love is the greatest thing that will remain, now and forever. I’d rather be found in love.
“The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.” Psalm 121:5&6
God is with us every second of every day and knows our hearts. He will never, ever leave our side. And therein lies our hope.
I know I say this all the time, but being a parent is so hard. I love our daughter so much, and my husband and I make decisions about parenting that we have prayed about and talked about and agree on. But, it’s really hard to see the effects of these decisions on our girl. She already feels like she misses out because of her early bedtime (while also agreeing that she needs it, haha), but in the past year certain kids in our neighborhood have stopped coming over and I know it’s because of rules we have at our house. And that hurts my heart. She often asks why her good friend never wants to play anymore, and I’m not sure how to answer that.
Our sweet girl, watching her friend play with other kids from across the street 💔
Our girl is SEVEN, and one of my goals as a parent is to let her stay a child as long as possible. I don’t want her to have to worry about grown up things. I want her to use her imagination, to read books, to play outside. And I feel like I’m fighting a huge battle against most of the world. I’m not saying I want her sheltered, but the word “age-appropriate” is all I can think to say. Tonight I watched a child from our neighborhood put a toy gun to the other children’s heads and repeatedly pull the trigger while they were playing. That would not be acceptable at our house. I’m not judging other people and what is right for their family, I just think, as a whole, kids are exposed to way more than their little brains can handle. They’re still growing and learning, and putting the entire world at their fingertips is overwhelming. It’s overwhelming for me as an adult. The other day at breakfast our girl asked me for a smart watch – she said all her friends at school have one. I asked her what she would use it for, and she thought for a moment, then said, “To play music – my friends play music on theirs at school.” Besides the fact that it blows my mind that FIRST GRADERS have smart watches and are allowed to bring them to school, it also hurt my heart that she already wants things just because other kids have them. She didn’t even really know why she wanted one.
I pray that we can stay strong, that we can instill good values in our girl, that we can model emotional intelligence for her, that we can build a foundation of faith and trust so that she knows where to turn when the world is scary. I pray that we show her what really matters and not what the world says she needs.
S E V E N years ago, I posted this photo on my Facebook with the caption “Current situation.” I remember this day like it was yesterday. This tiny girl usually hated sleeping on me, and I, guiltily, was okay with that. I liked having a few minutes to myself. I liked being able to fold some laundry or do some dishes while she napped. We were having such a hard time with nursing in those early days that I was constantly touched out, and any break I had from her being on my body was welcome. I remember feeling antsy this day. I had her in my lap doing her “awake time,” trying to interact and keep her as engaged as possible. It was so engaging, apparently, that it was exhausting and she passed out asleep in my lap. I remember feeling impatient. I wanted to move her to her sleeper so badly, but I knew it would wake her up, so I let her sleep. I posted this picture knowing what kinds of comments I would get from seasoned parents – “enjoy every second of it,” “it goes so fast,” “soak in all the snuggles…” And I KNEW that advice was true, but I wasn’t feeling it. I felt restless and almost annoyed at the inevitable comments I would receive. But, I posted it anyway. Not really for anyone else (although, cute baby pictures are always well-received), but for my future self – for the mother I knew I would be some day, to remind myself that while my feelings didn’t match my intention, I was TRYING. I knew, that this was something to appreciate, and so I tried to do so.
Being a mother has changed me so much. It has slowed me down, so much so that it often stops me in my tracks. Motherhood has softened me, it has grown my heart in ways I didn’t know it could expand. It has taught me that you can feel and know two different things, and that’s okay. It can be both. In the same way, I am learning that however I’m *feeling* doesn’t dictate what I know to be true – in regards to anxiety, in regards to everyday choices, and most importantly, in regards to who God says I am.
I’m proud of new mother me, because she was doing the best she could and laid the foundation of the mother I am today. Do I wish I had appreciated those baby snuggles more? Of course. I miss them so incredibly much that it hurts. If I had it to do all over again, I would chill the heck out. I was so uptight about schedules and ounces and milestones that it stole my joy. I was so embarrassed about how I was feeling that I stayed miserable. I hate that for myself, but I also want to use it to encourage other new mothers. You’re not broken, we all need help, and you’re not a terrible person for feeling how you feel. You are amazing.
This year, Easter has looked a bit different. We didn’t have the big family dinner or the egg hunts with cousins like we normally do. We didn’t have the traditional Easter ham or dessert table. With illness, medical procedures, appointments, and the general busyness of life, we just couldn’t make it work this year.
Last night, it all caught up with me: The heaviness of what we’ve been going through over the last month and a half and what we still face, of the feeling of not being able to catch my breath as I move from one thing to the next every day, of the feeling of failure as certain things get put on the back burner, of the disappointment I’ve been feeling as things aren’t working out how I had hoped, of the Easter season and what God’s sacrifice means for me. I lost it last night. Tears flowed as I washed dishes that had been neglected for entirely too long. Anger flew out of me as I bent down to get a ziploc bag out of the drawer and I slammed it shut. Frustration with myself welled up inside as I surveyed our messy, dirty house. I felt responsible for everything all at once and guilt over having dropped so many balls, over not being able to carry it all, not only physically, but emotionally as well. I broke down.
The good thing about knowing Jesus is that you can trust Him to hold your stuff. He’s not only strong enough to do so, but He wants to. We were never meant to do all this alone. And knowing Him means that while I may lose my *crap* for a few minutes on a Saturday night, my emotions aren’t me. They don’t have the final say. I can take my messy, tangled, raw emotions and lay them at His feet. He can handle them. He can sort them out. He can guide my steps in the way I should go, and He can help me carry the things that are too heavy for me to shoulder on my own.
My sweet seven year old fell asleep on me today.
So, I’m thankful for our non-traditional Easter – for my mom coming to church with us this morning, for going out to eat with my mom and sister, for the snuggles I got because our daughter isn’t feeling well (she NAPPED on me!) Because, in the end, it’s not about the way you celebrate Easter. It’s about WHO you are celebrating ✝️❤️
Fun fact: I nervous ate the few weeks leading up to our wedding. I am a procrastinator through and through, and when I get stressed or overwhelmed, I just shut down. My poor, sweet bridesmaids picked up a lot of my poor planning slack and spent the night before the wedding at my apartment buttoning up all the loose ends that I did not have the capacity to handle. They tied ribbons on tiny bubble containers, they sewed beads onto the ribbon for my bouquet, we separated flowers for what seemed like hours for the bouquets and left them in a stock pot on my stove… I mean, eleventh hour stuff. So, the day of the wedding, I put on my corset that I had bought for just this day and pulled up my beautiful dress, only to discover that the dress that had just a few weeks prior fit me like a glove would no longer zip up. Talk about a freak out. We figured out that if I didn’t wear any sort of bra, the dress would zip, so I went without any sort of support up top… and I was so self-conscious about it. When we got our wedding photos back, it seemed like a very obvious thing to me, and I had a hard time looking at the pictures. All I could see was those extra few pounds I had gained. My hair also did what it does every other day of my entire life and didn’t cooperate, and I sat and agonized over my hair in every photo. I loved that we had pictures of our special day, but they were a source of stress to me as well. It’s your wedding day, it’s supposed to be perfect, right?
Fourteen years into this thing and I’m glad that I’m not so hard on myself anymore. My weight has fluctuated so much over the years that I’m used to seeing my body in whatever shape it’s in. Now when I look at these photos, I can finally see what probably everyone else saw all along: two kids absolutely head over heels for each other who have the best friends, family, and support system. I think in this particular photo, our photographer instructed Travis to “pretend like you’re telling her a funny secret,” and told me to pretend that he had. Staged as it is, it really does reflect us. We’re best friends, we tell each other everything, and we make each other laugh constantly. The other day, we both had to be at a meeting at church and we sat together. That might not have been the best idea, because about halfway through the meeting I realized that we kept putting our heads together and whispering and laughing throughout the whole thing. We just constantly have something to tell the other. So this photo is special to me, because he does make me laugh like that every single day. And now, when I look at it, I can finally see that and not my own unhappiness with the way I looked.
Home. All kinds of people have often defined what home is. Comfort, peace, a soft landing place after a long day, just to name a few. Our daughter is a homebody (we are too). She LOVES being home. She would rather be there than anywhere. It makes going out to eat or going to church an issue every single time. She does not want to leave the house, even for something I know she will enjoy when she gets there [*ahem*, looking at you, school.]
My husband and I planned a trip coming up pretty soon that I KNOW our daughter will be excited about, because she has been talking about it since the last time we went. We told her the other morning, and she literally cried and said she didn’t want to go. She just wanted to stay home. Now, we’ve talked a lot about it since and I think she is getting more excited, but it’s a struggle.
Our daughter feeling completely at home on the grounds of Biltmore Estate a couple of years ago.
Her love of home keeps me so humble, and I just had this conversation with someone yesterday… I always think about that quote that floats around social media every now and then, “Remember that you prayed for what you have now.” And that’s SO TRUE. I have a husband who is my perfect partner in every way. We have a safe roof over our head in a safe neighborhood. We have a healthy, smart, beautiful child. We have a dog. We have enough money to put food on our table, to bless others, to get things we not only need but just want. I did, I prayed for all of this. So, when comparison and discontent creep in, our daughter’s love of our home keeps me in check. We have everything we need, and we’re comfortable and blessed.
Yesterday, we got a new shower installed in our daughter’s bathroom. It has probably needed to be replaced since we moved in, but we haven’t been able to do it until now. We lived with the old, stained, incredibly hard to clean textured tub from the ’70’s, but it always was something that bugged me about our house. Our daughter has cried and cried over the change in her bathroom. She loved the old tub. Last night as I put her to bed, she told me that home felt weird now because it had changed. Then she went into a long monologue about how much she loved home. She finished with, “Mama, can you make everywhere home?” Gosh, I wish I could.
Our home isn’t picture perfect, but it is the definition of comfort to our sweet girl.
I’m so thankful, humble, and blessed. I know that not all people, not all children have that safe space to land every day. And I pray that our home feels that way to anyone who comes into it. It’s a safe space, and you’re always welcome. There might just be dog hair everywhere and the kitchen may not be cleaned up from breakfast. But, people who love each other live here, and that’s really all that matters.
I’m still coming back down to normal from last week, but as I continue to look back, I am simply in awe of how God provides for us. It’s not my medical story to tell, but I can’t help but praise Him for how it all played out. It was so very obviously orchestrated that I can’t help but get chills every time I talk about it.
Basically, my mom got really sick two Sunday ago, but we thought it was strep and we would go to the ER to get some antibiotics and be on our way. Through a series of things and people and decisions that were obviously put there by God, a scary diagnosis and a stay at the hospital in Lexington happened exactly the way they were supposed to. An ER doctor who happen to know that her voice sounded a certain way and ordered a CT scan. The same ER doctor who was humble enough to know that he couldn’t treat her and she needed a specialist. Sweet nurses, jovial EMTs who lightened the otherwise very dark mood and ambulance ride to Lexington. A room at UKs ER when so many others lined the hallways. The fact that pediatric ENT was on rotation that weekend and my mom ended up seeing the same doctor who did our daughter’s ear tubes. A nurse who fell in love with my momma and claimed her as her own since she didn’t have a good relationship with her own parents, and who even asked if it was okay to hug her as her shift ended. You all, the situation was scary, but I FULLY believe it happened exactly the way it was supposed to. God was watching out for my momma and working it out in the best way with every step.
I had a realization after all of this was over – I just kept thinking about how bad it could have been if this decision hadn’t been made or that person hadn’t been there at that time… and I realized why God allows us to think of the what-ifs. So often, my what-ifs spiral me into anxiety. I so often think about all the bad things that could happen and spend my time worrying about every possible outcome. But God taught me such a beautiful lesson through this whole ordeal – sometimes the what-ifs allow us to see God working. If mom had made a different decision, we might not have seen that doctor who knew what to look for, we might have not met people we were supposed to, we might have caught it too late, honestly, the outcome could have been really bad. In times like these, I now understand why we have the ability to think of the what-ifs, because it makes us realize what all God has done for us, and how He’s working even when we don’t see it.
My sweet people.
Also, I need to talk about my absolute gem of a husband. While I was off at the hospital, he held down the fort. He did the bedtime things, made meals, took sweet girl to VBS, took her to her ENT appointment (literally the day mom was admitted, sweet girl had an ear tube checkup AT THE SAME HOSPITAL), brought me fresh clothes and coffee, did the dishes, and all the parenting things. He was wonderful. The picture in the post is when we were leaving the hospital after I had been up for almost 48 hours straight and after sweet girl’s ear tube appointment. My sister had come to stay with mom and these favorite people of mine came to get me for some lunch and a nap. Those few days were rough and scary and exhausting, but I had my people and my God with me every step of the way. I’m glad it’s over and we’re getting back to normal. And it’s weird, but all I am able to feel about it is thankfulness.
This is a long one, but it’s on my heart and mind tonight, so just bear with me. As mamas, we’re constantly worrying about our kids. I’ve always been a bit of a control freak, and God has had to give me MANY lessons in letting go. My biggest lesson by far has been my kid – there are so many things out of my control like my daughter’s own personality, sickness, how other people see my parenting choices… the list goes on and on. But nothing even came close to preparing me for the level of letting go I’ve had to do when our daughter started school. She’s never been away from me, really. She only ever stays with my mom when my husband and I go somewhere, and he and I have never stayed away from her for more than a night. She has always been with us. She goes to her little Sunday School class for like an hour on Sunday mornings, but she’s with people we’ve known for years. Our little family unit is all she’s ever known. Now, all the sudden, she spends more waking hours with her teachers than she does with us and it’s really thrown us all for a loop.
First day of school, walking with daddy
Also, I am really struggling with the fact that because I’m not right there next to her all day, there are so many things that go on that I don’t know about. For the first time, our daughter is out in the world on her own making choices on her own. I get that kids have to grow up, but also, she’s FIVE. She’s going to choose chocolate milk over anything else every single time. And speaking of food and drink, that’s another thing I’m having a lot of trouble with. They offer these kids so many processed, sugary things that my girl is not used to eating. She had OREOS for a “snack” the first three days of school. They get candy for memorizing their lunch number and doing well on their assessments. She’s never been allowed to have that many sweets in one day, and now it’s a daily occurrence. I get that it’s a public school and the food budget is probably tight, but sometimes the food choices are insane to me. For one meal, Doritos were listed as the “grain” in the meal for that day. I also understand that our family is not the norm – we try to offer healthier options, and definitely don’t keep a lot of prepackaged foods on hand. I get that a lot of kids don’t eat this way at home and they have to balance healthy meals that meet state requirements with meals that the kids will actually eat. I really do get it, and I also know that I could send her lunch, but I’m trying to let her try every meal offered at least once to see what she likes. Our school district offers free lunch for all kids, and I know the program has to be utilized for them to keep it. There are so many factors that I completely understand, but at the same time, so many things are going into her body that she’s not used to consuming regularly. I have sent in a couple of healthier snack options for the class, but I have no control over what the other parents send.
Her first homework ❤🍎✏
Right before school started, our girl ended up with an ear infection. She’s had a bunch in the last year or so. She finished her antibiotics on the first day of school, came down with a cold that first weekend, and when I took her back to the doctor, her ear was still infected from before. So, she just finished another round of antibiotics this past week, all while having a runny nose. Today, she has developed a cough with her runny nose and I’m terrified that she has another ear infection or at least a sinus infection. Poor baby, I don’t want to make her put more medicine in her little body. The last doctor visit resulted in a referral to the ENT, so we’re waiting for a call to schedule her an appointment. Hopefully tubes will help her feel so much better, because she’s literally been sick for like a month. The ear infections are affecting her hearing, and I’m terrified it’s done permanent damage.
She often needs downtime when she gets home from school – which always includes reading!
Anyway, all these things are background information (and worries) that are fueling my anxiety tonight. Since school started, our sweet girl has been absolutely WIRED. People keep asking me if she’s exhausted and I see other parents posting pictures of their kids asleep in the car, not able to even make it home before passing out. Our kid has been HYPER, almost manic – climbing things (she never was a climber), talking super fast and loud, and having a hard time sleeping. She’s up multiple times a night, and yells for me every time. She also wakes up early. She’s overly emotional over the littlest things (which isn’t *that* unusual, but it’s definitely more frequent.) I’m at a loss. I know it’s probably a horrible cocktail of routine changes, newfound independence (she magically figured out in a day and a half how to unbuckle her car seat in 2.5 seconds after unsuccessfully practicing all summer), weird food in her body (we notice a difference in her behavior when she eats artifical colors, especially red 40), ALL the sugar, the antibiotics in her system, the not sleeping compounding on itself, and anxiety about all the new things. I know that it will probably get better, but some days I feel like I hardly recognize my sweet girl anymore. The first day she came home from school, I cried to my husband and told him that it felt like that I dropped off our sweet girl that morning and picked up a completely different kid in the afternoon. I hate it. She has changed so much in the last few weeks.
I don’t know where I was necessarily going with any of this, other than maybe I need someone to understand what goes on in my brain. I want to control all the things, and literally everything is out of my control right now. I’m not sure I really want advice, just maybe an “I understand where you’re coming from.”
Sometimes I get over-stimulated. Today, I freaked out on my daughter because she was leaning over me to try to see something. I yelled and told her to stop touching me. She looked scared and I immediately felt bad. But do you ever just get touched out?
During a normal day the washer and dryer are going, the dishwasher is running, my kid is yelling, “Mama!!!” for the literal hundredth time, the dog is barking, the TV might be on, the microwave is beeping, the air fryer is on. Plus, the dog is asking out AGAIN, my daughter wants me to play with her and I really want to but I have to fold this laundry and put away these dishes and answer this phone call and actually sit down and do my work at some point. And I wonder what we should have for dinner and are we out of coffee filters? And did I pay that bill? And I need to vacuum, but I’m exhausted and the dog barks at me the whole time the vacuum is running. And I made coffee earlier but I got distracted and didn’t drink it, and now it’s cold. And my daughter is yelling for me again and needs help fixing her shirt, which is on backwards. The dog is now growling at me and licking my leg because he wants me to play. And I look at the clock and only like 15 minutes have gone by and I wonder how I’m ever going to make it through the day.
Sweet girl would prefer it if I would play with her all day every day.
We’re fortunate that *for now* our daughter still takes a nap. I absolutely count on that hour and a half to sit and enjoy the semi-quiet. But even then there are so many things swirling around me. And the days where, for whatever reason, she can’t fall asleep? Those are the worst.
Please don’t get me wrong. I know how absolutely blessed I am to have a home and a family who loves each other and food to eat and clothes to wear (and wash)… really, I know. But, mama is tired. Mama is overwhelmed sometimes. And mama just needs to sit in silence without being touched every now and then. If this resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone. And even if you have to take your coffee and hide in the closet so that you can drink it while it’s hot, I hope you can find a quiet moment today.
Over on Facebook the other day, a family member had shared their experience with a post going around that storing strawberries in a glass jar kept them fresher. I casually commented that I had noticed that glass containers seemed to keep things fresher in general, and that I do a vinegar wash as well. In fact, I buy vinegar in bulk at Sam’s Club because I go through so much between washing produce, cleaning, and laundry. I was so surprised at all the comments saying that they had never heard about the glass containers, and complete strangers started questioning me about my vinegar use, haha. My husband and I were talking about the surprising (to me anyway) demographic of people who had never heard of all the uses for vinegar and glass jars. Most of them were women my parents’ age or older. We concluded that it must be because “better” convenience products were pushed on them in the 80’s and 90’s, like microwaves (and microwavable meals), boxed sides, frozen dinners, “better” laundry detergent and cleaning supplies, etc. Homemaking changed a great deal, it seems to me, in just one generation. I’m sure that kind of thing has happened since the beginning of time, but it was bizarre to me to see it first hand.
Anyway, all that to say… I thought maybe I would give you all a roundup of my favorite tips and tricks for around the house! Some “life hacks,” if you will. As I was thinking about what I wanted to include, I realized that most of these I learned or figured out from either Pinterest or watching the Rachel Ray show (love her!), or just experience. And almost every one of them was because when we got married, we were pretty darn broke and I was trying to pinch every penny I could. And some just make my life easier or create less waste, which are both pretty important in my book! I also realized that I’m apparently very passionate about all this, because I started typing all this out and felt like I could write a book. I’m thinking I will do a series of tips, with a post for each one since I seem to be so long-winded, haha. I guess I’ll start with the glass jar thing, because that’s what started it all.
Glass Jars + Containers
So, we’ve all seen renovation shows or those pretty photos on Instagram or Pinterest of shelves lined with glass jars full of various foods and spices. Yes, they look pretty, but I think they serve a purpose as well. A lot of packaging has dyes or other things that can cause the food in it to taste bad after a while. A prime example: I buy the old fashioned oats in a giant cardboard canister (because it is so much more cost effective – you can still add whatever flavor you want, you can control the amount of sugar, etc., and you know exactly what you’re eating), and then transfer them to a big glass jar when I open them. If I don’t, they get stale a lot faster and start to taste cardboard-y to me. {Slightly related note… did anyone else take those “taster/non-taster” tests in high school science? It was wild to me that we could all lick the same piece of paper, and most of my class didn’t taste anything. Meanwhile, I was over there grabbing for water because of the bitter taste on my tongue – it was so weird. So, I am a taster, and I often taste things in foods, like preservatives and artificial flavors, and aftertastes left by containers, especially ones with strong dyes or plastic. I’m so weird, I know.} We store all of our pastas, grits, and other such pantry items in jars when we can, as well as our flour, sugar, and other baking ingredients – we have glass canisters on our counter for those!
Our pantry is far from organized, but we do keep a lot of things in jars.
For years we, like most people, used to use Rubbermaid plastic containers that we got at our wedding shower for storing any kind of food like leftovers, cut up fruits and veggies, etc. But I noticed that after several years of use that the plastic was getting scratched, which was trapping stains and odors into the plastic. After using those containers for like ten years, a lot of them had a pretty nasty old plastic smell, and I was starting to taste it in my food. I was already weird about reheating food in the plastic containers in the microwave, but even just using them for storage was starting to gross me out. I researched a little and decided to replace the majority of our plastic storage containers with glass Anchor containers, which we had a couple of already and really liked. That is almost exclusively what I use now – We still have some of the plastic containers that weren’t as old (we found a box of Rubbermaid ones from our wedding that we had never opened…), but I rarely use them. I also save jam jars, and use Mason jars for storing homemade sauces, leftover takeout salsa, and whatever else they will hold. The glass doesn’t hold smell like plastic does, doesn’t stain like plastic does, and for whatever reason, things usually stay fresher longer. I like to think that it’s because the glass isn’t porous and isn’t as hospitable to bacteria… but I know nothing about science, so don’t quote me on that, haha. I also, maybe most importantly, keep my coffee in glass jars on my coffee cart. It definitely stays fresher than leaving it in the bag! Disclaimer: our glass containers do still have plastic lids, but they sell replacements so that they can be switched out every few years, plus the lids are recyclable!
Leftovers taste so much better out of glass containers!
We bought our glass canisters at Target, and almost all of our other glass jars are from IKEA – I always like to grab a few more every time we’re up there.
We keep flour, sugar, and brown sugar in these canisters on our counter.
coffeemamabogie 