Words.

I’m kind of annoying myself with the ridiculous marathon of posts I feel like I’m making, but as I’ve said before, I knew what God wanted me to do long before I actually did it.

I’ve been writing for myself about as long as I can remember (cue the backstory about how my favorite elementary school teacher encouraged us to write in journals often, and I’ve been doing it ever since. Maybe I’ll find that journal again one day and give you all a glimpse. It’s really something.) I’ve got at least ten bible journals full of writing that I may or may not end up sharing. But, as recently as this year, when I really started hearing very clearly what I was to do (but still resisting change and attention in a way only I know how), I started typing things out in the notes on my phone. Some were random thoughts, some were memories, some were reflections on life. I’ve already posted a few of those, but there are many more. This blog was a thing before it was actually a thing.

I used to only write for me: mostly to remember – an event, a thought I had, I even tried my hand at poetry and short stories for while after high school (I thought at the time I would want to remember those… yikes); sometimes I wrote to work through something that I couldn’t quite articulate in my head. I’m so much more comfortable writing than I am speaking. I love texting. I love the fact that I can read and reread and revise my text until it says exactly what I want it to say. I stumble over my words when I speak, and I end up sounding stupid or saying something completely different than I actually wanted to. So, as much as I am uncomfortable with writing where others can read it, writing is my comfort zone. I feel more at ease, because I can micromanage word order, language, grammar… I love it.

This new adventure I’m on is still uncomfortable to me, though. I’m not used to being the one who is being directly and so overtly used by God. I’m used to being in the background, and I really like it back there. I’m an empathetic bystander; I’m like a book editor, a product rater, or a teacher’s assistant who grades papers. If you ask, I will give you an honest opinion about something someone else has done. I’m not one who does, I’m not one who creates, I’m not one who innovates, I’m not one who initiates. I’m just not. So to write for others is such a strange concept to me.

I went into this with the hope that other women could read about what my family has gone through and feel like they are not alone. But so very often, God has bigger plans than we do. The day after my husband shared my blog, he told me that two separate MEN told him how much they liked it. So much for my tiny expectations. God said, “watch what I can do!” I’m sure women will be blessed by it as well, but that just blew my mind.

I pray that God keeps doing expectation-shattering things with what little I give Him.