Pause.

I have a confession to make. I’ve been listening to the wrong voice. I’ve been letting satan give me pause. I’ve given in to fear and doubt. I’ve been quiet the last few days because, honestly, I’ve been scared.

I started a Facebook page so that my friends and family could follow and share what I was writing about. I made a pretty, new logo and spent an hour looking for the perfect cover photo. I posted my favorite blog posts with eye-catching pictures and shared a couple on my personal page. I even worked up the courage to send invitations to my friends and family to like my shiny new page. I used all the best marketing skills I’ve learned over the last few years at my job. And I felt like a fake. I made it look pretty, I appeared confident about my new journey, but I’m really scared, my thoughts are a mess, and I constantly feel like I’m bothering or annoying people with my words.

Despite the several immediate “likes” I got from friends, family, and even people I hardly speak to anymore, I felt they were doing it out of pity or because they were family and felt like they had to. I started hearing that voice that I heard when I first started this blog, “Nobody wants to hear what you have to say. Who cares what you think? You’re just one voice. Now everyone you know can read your words – what if you inadvertently offend somebody?…” I got quite a few likes on Facebook the first couple of days, but new followers have died down now. And, I’ve gone several days without a single view on WordPress. I let these statistics get to me. I used them as proof of what those voices were telling me: writing is pointless.

But, then I remember why I started this thing, and again I’m reminded that it’s not about me.

So, in striving for complete honesty, I’m letting you in on my struggle. I’m not fishing for compliments, but sometimes I need encouragement. And I really have been getting it – old friends thanking me for reminders to be grateful, private messages from people telling me that my words spoke directly to them. But it’s like I chose to ignore this encouragement and focus on my doubt. I guess the best way I can look at it is that satan wouldn’t attack me if I weren’t doing something that scared him, so that’s exactly why I have to keep going.

It’s taken me two days since I even started typing this out to actually publish it. I’ve gone back and added, deleted, and edited so many times. I’ve read it over and over, making sure I don’t sound too whiny (I still think I do) or like I’m complaining about my calling. I’m not happy with this writing at all, but I’m going to publish it anyway. I told you all from the beginning that this might get messy – well, here’s the mess. I’m trying to be an obedient mess.