Tired.

I’ve been writing in the notes of my phone like crazy lately, but actually sharing it with the world has been giving me pause. Everyone is hurting, suffering, or at least dealing in one way or another with the effects of this pandemic. I think I feel sometimes that my feelings aren’t relevant or important enough, so I keep them tucked neatly into my journal and phone. But, I know that people need to know they are not alone. I know that I want to use even my hardships to bless others. So, here’s a compilation of a few things I’ve written recently.

You all, I’m tired. I’m emotionally tired, I’m physically tired, and I’m mentally tired. I go through these emotional highs and lows – I’m happy, energetic, and hopeful one minute [that resulted in me having what I called a “cleaning fit” this morning and cleaning like a mad woman for like an hour] and the next minute I feel like I might cry if you look at me the wrong way. On top of that, stress and anxiety weigh on our physical health anyway, but I picked now to try to get “healthy” and I’ve been walking and running almost every day for over a month now [I’ve also now added in some Zumba as well.] I keep thinking the soreness and general tiredness will eventually get better, but it hasn’t so far. Now my knees hurt so bad all the time that I wince when I walk. I think I may have [somehow?] injured myself [this finally got better!]. Add that to the every day allergies, stomach issues, and an occasional migraine, and I’m exhausted. Also, my brain sucks lately. I feel like I can’t concentrate, I often can’t think of the right word, and I get confused so easily lately [probably because I’m not paying attention.] Again, I’m exhausted.I know that everyone is tired. We’re tired of worrying, of making hard decisions, of being careful. We’re tired of life being weird. And I know parents, teachers, school staff, and all the kiddos are so super tired of adjusting to new normals. I know healthcare professionals, nurses, doctors, emergency responders, caretakers, they’re beyond exhausted. I know store employees, restaurant workers, small business owners are also exhausted and eagerly awaiting things to go back to normal. We’re all weary from this crazy season in our own ways. I try to look for the good in every day, I really do. But some days it’s easier to do that than others.

If you feel lost and tired this is your song.A few weekends ago, we cleaned out a box from the garage, and we found a boom box from my adolescent days in there. It’s amazing – one of those things that middle school me just had to have – you know, the early 2000s see-through frosted plastic. It’s purple. It’s great. Well, ever since we took it out of the box, baby girl was obsessed with it – wanting to know what it was and what it did. So, that Sunday afternoon we took it into her room, plugged it in, and showed her how it worked. I grabbed a CD off the top of this box of CDs that’s sitting in our dining room / office that we’ve never unpacked [🤦‍♀️] and showed her how to use it. It was a compilation of big band songs, and we had the best time. We all danced in baby girl’s room; we twirled, we twisted, we jived. It was so much fun. That night when were getting ready for bed, she told me happily that she had such a fun afternoon. Who knew that listening to big band music on a purple boom box would bring so much joy to a two year old? I love that it’s the little things that seem to make her the happiest.

Ever since that day, she has been very interested in listening to more music, so we’ve slowly been pulling out different things. I definitely got an eclectic taste in music from my dad, so we’ve got a little bit of everything. Tonight [after jokingly offering to put in an Usher CD… “Yeah!” anybody?] hubby pulled out a CD that I hadn’t listened to in years; but the second it started, I felt the familiarity and warmth that it always evoked in me. You all, if you’ve never listened to The Robbie Seay Band, you’re missing out. Their album “Give Yourself Away” is some of the best “non-worship music” worship music I’ve ever heard. It definitely sounds more mid-two-thousands than I remember, but it still hit my emotions the same. And as I listened to the words I realized how relevant the whole album is. There’s a theme of finding the good in the midst of the bad, praising God simply because He is God, and clinging to God and each other in times of trouble.The above quote is from the song Shine Your Light on Us. Here are the rest of the lyrics:

Oh, my God shine Your light on us
That we might live
And oh, my God shine Your light on us
That we might liveI’ve been holding on
And I’ve been holding onAll that is inside of me
Screams to come back homeAnd if you feel lost, if you feel lost
Sing along
And if you feel tired, if you feel tired
Sing alongAnd if you feel lost and tired
This is your song, yeahAnd I’ve been broken down
And I’ve been broken down
But I ain’t giving up
Love will come back around

These lyrics are good, but man, you have to listen to the song. The instruments, the voices… The emotion in all the songs on the album is simply amazing.My very favorite Robbie Seay Band song, however, probably won me over because it mentions coffee. Also, I just feel it in my soul. Like I said, I got my love of music from my dad, so maybe not everyone feels music emotionally like I do, but I’m so glad that I do. This song just hits me deep inside, I don’t know how to explain it… anybody else out there feel that way about a song?

New Day:I’m gonna sing this song to let you know that you’re not alone
And if you’re like me, you need hope, coffee and melody
So sit back down and let the world keep spinning ’round
For yesterday’s gone and today is waiting on you to show your faceAnd it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new dayI’m a pilgrim soul, I’ve traveled far and come back home
And this land is hard and cold for those who long to love
And I know it might seem that the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2 A.M. and we’re still aliveAnd it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new dayIt’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I’m back again
The clouds that roll by crossing moonlight
Me and you, love, everything’s alrightStanding in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we’re spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day for the rest of your life
Me and you, love, everything’s gonna be alrightAnd it just might be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
Well it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside to see a beautiful sunrise
Well it’s a new day, ah new day, it’s a new day

Beside the obvious mention of my beloved coffee, I just realized that there are probably several reasons this song speaks to me. For one, I’ve mentioned before on here that one of my favorite bible verses is from Lamentations 3 about how God’s mercies are new every morning (verse 23). There’s something that’s always been so comforting to me to think about that even though I really screwed up yesterday, I can start over today. Even though I was unfocused, rebellious, selfish, whatever, I can start again today. I have a chance to do better today. And that is beautiful to me, that God loves us so much to give us not just a second or third or even fourth chance, but a new chance every single day.I think this song also speaks to me because God has really been driving home the “beauty in the every day” point with me, in the last few years especially. The world tells us that life should look a certain way, and when it inevitably doesn’t, we get disappointed or we work even harder, trying to reach an unattainable standard. We waste so much time on ideals that we miss life. Looking for the extraordinary in the mundane, taking a step back and acknowledging the beauty in what God has created, appreciating the little things, seeing the blessing in the mess – it’s what makes life joyful.Lastly, I think this song does a wonderful job at addressing what we’re all feeling right now. I’ve seen so much good come out of this pandemic, but not nearly as much as there should be. The world is divided. People are angry. People are hurt. People are scared. And as a Christian, it’s easy to get distracted from what loving each other really looks like. The world tells us one thing, while Jesus tells us something completely different. It’s so hard to love like Jesus, but it’s something we all need to continue to strive for. We have to remember that each day we can start over; we can ask God to give us His heart for other people, and we can go out and be His hands and feet. Each day, even though the world seems like it’s literally falling apart, we still have each other and we still have God’s sweet reminders of His love. That’s what should keep us going.