Fires.

You all, I went into panic mode major yesterday. I got on the good ole Instagram to post this photo, and couldn’t find it. Ever since I had put an SD card into my phone, Instagram has had some issues pulling things from my phone’s gallery, so at first I didn’t think anything of it. But I went in and searched for it like I normally do in the SD card memory and it wasn’t there. I got to looking and a ton of my pictures were missing, like THOUSANDS of pictures. The SD card that had been about half full now said that almost all the memory was empty. I was FREAKING OUT. I was trying to stay calm hoping that somehow my husband could save the day when he got home from work. I then remembered that we had downloaded the Amazon photos app just a few weeks ago and had backed up our photos to that. The day was saved, right? Not quite. When I opened the app, all it was showing me were the same photos my phone said I had… just a couple hundred, not the thousands we had backed up. Well, I was totally freaked out then, and noticed that my phone was getting really hot. So, I took out the SD card and put it into my computer… it still said there was hardly anything on it. At this point, I was really trying to come to terms with the fact that I may had lost all my pictures of our life from the last year and a half (I had backed up earlier ones before this on a physical hard drive). All I had were the ones I had posted on Facebook. But, after removing the SD card from my phone, I closed all the apps, prayed, then opened the Amazon photo app again. They were all there except the ones taken after September 10th of this year. I was so ecstatic. I guess something happened that day, and I’m glad I caught it when I did.

When hubby got home he found a program online to scan the SD card and found (I think, I’m kind of afraid to look) all of my photos and videos hidden in the “free space” of the card. Yeah, I’m not using that anymore. Ugh.

A few days ago, I saw two different instances where local families’ houses had burned down and they had lost everything. I had already been thinking about the people affected by the wildfires out west, how horrible it would be to literally lose everything I own. Then, I saw some pictures from Rachael Ray’s [the TV chef. I sort of love her a lot!] home. Her house burned down several months ago from a fireplace fire, and she shared photos of the devastation as the new season of her show started. I cried. I can’t imagine losing everything. I mean, I know that everyone says, “as long as everyone is okay, it’s just stuff, it can be replaced.” And that’s true. People are far more important than any earthly thing. However, family heirlooms are not replaceable; your kids’ artwork and handmade gifts are not replaceable; your favorite book you’ve read a million times over the years that is worn in just the right way is not replaceable. These things are just lost. It got me thinking about life and how sometimes we need spiritual fires to make us move. Sometimes we have to be shaken and our world has to be turned upside down for us to wake up, to see things with fresh eyes, and to get up and move. When I’m really comfy on the couch, I don’t want to move; I’m perfectly content to be where I am and have no intention of moving until I absolutely have to. I’ve found out the hard way lately that life isn’t comfortable, and when we start to think we might be comfortable, change comes charging in before we ever know what hit us. It turns over the couch and throws us into the floor. Life is hard. I’ll say that again because it’s so stinking true: LIFE. IS. HARD.

All these “sayings” that you hear about life being about more than stuff, about how time goes so quickly, about how we’re never guaranteed tomorrow… those came from wise people. Those came from people who have lived it and know what they’re talking about. Those came from a place of love, trying to spare us from making the same mistakes and taking the same things for granted that they did. But for whatever reason, we humans seem to be inherently stubborn, and we think we know better. We have to find out for ourselves what we’ve heard all along. And it hurts. It’s so painful. And some people never realize it until it’s too late.

I know pictures are also just things, but they are more than that: they are irreplaceable reminders of memories that might otherwise fade. I’m so, so thankful that my hubby seemingly was able to recover them. My heart breaks for people who have lost tangible pieces of their lives and memories in fires or by other natural disasters.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes in fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6&7

I feel like in reference to this passage, “a little while” could be considered most of our earthly lives, because compared to eternity, it is in fact just a little while. This is our refining time, and being refined is often hard and painful. But, we can still rejoice in our grieving because of who God is and what He’s done for us, and is still doing for us every day. We can walk through hardships giving praise and honor and glory to Christ, because He has already overcome everything that we are facing. And I’m not saying that this life is all terrible by any means, because it’s not. God gives us daily, minute to minute reminders of how much He loves us and cares for us in the people we love, the beautiful sky, the wonder of nature, and so much more. We just have to slow down to really appreciate them.

Tired.

I’ve been writing in the notes of my phone like crazy lately, but actually sharing it with the world has been giving me pause. Everyone is hurting, suffering, or at least dealing in one way or another with the effects of this pandemic. I think I feel sometimes that my feelings aren’t relevant or important enough, so I keep them tucked neatly into my journal and phone. But, I know that people need to know they are not alone. I know that I want to use even my hardships to bless others. So, here’s a compilation of a few things I’ve written recently.

You all, I’m tired. I’m emotionally tired, I’m physically tired, and I’m mentally tired. I go through these emotional highs and lows – I’m happy, energetic, and hopeful one minute [that resulted in me having what I called a “cleaning fit” this morning and cleaning like a mad woman for like an hour] and the next minute I feel like I might cry if you look at me the wrong way. On top of that, stress and anxiety weigh on our physical health anyway, but I picked now to try to get “healthy” and I’ve been walking and running almost every day for over a month now [I’ve also now added in some Zumba as well.] I keep thinking the soreness and general tiredness will eventually get better, but it hasn’t so far. Now my knees hurt so bad all the time that I wince when I walk. I think I may have [somehow?] injured myself [this finally got better!]. Add that to the every day allergies, stomach issues, and an occasional migraine, and I’m exhausted. Also, my brain sucks lately. I feel like I can’t concentrate, I often can’t think of the right word, and I get confused so easily lately [probably because I’m not paying attention.] Again, I’m exhausted.I know that everyone is tired. We’re tired of worrying, of making hard decisions, of being careful. We’re tired of life being weird. And I know parents, teachers, school staff, and all the kiddos are so super tired of adjusting to new normals. I know healthcare professionals, nurses, doctors, emergency responders, caretakers, they’re beyond exhausted. I know store employees, restaurant workers, small business owners are also exhausted and eagerly awaiting things to go back to normal. We’re all weary from this crazy season in our own ways. I try to look for the good in every day, I really do. But some days it’s easier to do that than others.

If you feel lost and tired this is your song.A few weekends ago, we cleaned out a box from the garage, and we found a boom box from my adolescent days in there. It’s amazing – one of those things that middle school me just had to have – you know, the early 2000s see-through frosted plastic. It’s purple. It’s great. Well, ever since we took it out of the box, baby girl was obsessed with it – wanting to know what it was and what it did. So, that Sunday afternoon we took it into her room, plugged it in, and showed her how it worked. I grabbed a CD off the top of this box of CDs that’s sitting in our dining room / office that we’ve never unpacked [🤦‍♀️] and showed her how to use it. It was a compilation of big band songs, and we had the best time. We all danced in baby girl’s room; we twirled, we twisted, we jived. It was so much fun. That night when were getting ready for bed, she told me happily that she had such a fun afternoon. Who knew that listening to big band music on a purple boom box would bring so much joy to a two year old? I love that it’s the little things that seem to make her the happiest.

Ever since that day, she has been very interested in listening to more music, so we’ve slowly been pulling out different things. I definitely got an eclectic taste in music from my dad, so we’ve got a little bit of everything. Tonight [after jokingly offering to put in an Usher CD… “Yeah!” anybody?] hubby pulled out a CD that I hadn’t listened to in years; but the second it started, I felt the familiarity and warmth that it always evoked in me. You all, if you’ve never listened to The Robbie Seay Band, you’re missing out. Their album “Give Yourself Away” is some of the best “non-worship music” worship music I’ve ever heard. It definitely sounds more mid-two-thousands than I remember, but it still hit my emotions the same. And as I listened to the words I realized how relevant the whole album is. There’s a theme of finding the good in the midst of the bad, praising God simply because He is God, and clinging to God and each other in times of trouble.The above quote is from the song Shine Your Light on Us. Here are the rest of the lyrics:

Oh, my God shine Your light on us
That we might live
And oh, my God shine Your light on us
That we might liveI’ve been holding on
And I’ve been holding onAll that is inside of me
Screams to come back homeAnd if you feel lost, if you feel lost
Sing along
And if you feel tired, if you feel tired
Sing alongAnd if you feel lost and tired
This is your song, yeahAnd I’ve been broken down
And I’ve been broken down
But I ain’t giving up
Love will come back around

These lyrics are good, but man, you have to listen to the song. The instruments, the voices… The emotion in all the songs on the album is simply amazing.My very favorite Robbie Seay Band song, however, probably won me over because it mentions coffee. Also, I just feel it in my soul. Like I said, I got my love of music from my dad, so maybe not everyone feels music emotionally like I do, but I’m so glad that I do. This song just hits me deep inside, I don’t know how to explain it… anybody else out there feel that way about a song?

New Day:I’m gonna sing this song to let you know that you’re not alone
And if you’re like me, you need hope, coffee and melody
So sit back down and let the world keep spinning ’round
For yesterday’s gone and today is waiting on you to show your faceAnd it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new dayI’m a pilgrim soul, I’ve traveled far and come back home
And this land is hard and cold for those who long to love
And I know it might seem that the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2 A.M. and we’re still aliveAnd it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new dayIt’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I’m back again
The clouds that roll by crossing moonlight
Me and you, love, everything’s alrightStanding in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we’re spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day for the rest of your life
Me and you, love, everything’s gonna be alrightAnd it just might be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
Well it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside to see a beautiful sunrise
Well it’s a new day, ah new day, it’s a new day

Beside the obvious mention of my beloved coffee, I just realized that there are probably several reasons this song speaks to me. For one, I’ve mentioned before on here that one of my favorite bible verses is from Lamentations 3 about how God’s mercies are new every morning (verse 23). There’s something that’s always been so comforting to me to think about that even though I really screwed up yesterday, I can start over today. Even though I was unfocused, rebellious, selfish, whatever, I can start again today. I have a chance to do better today. And that is beautiful to me, that God loves us so much to give us not just a second or third or even fourth chance, but a new chance every single day.I think this song also speaks to me because God has really been driving home the “beauty in the every day” point with me, in the last few years especially. The world tells us that life should look a certain way, and when it inevitably doesn’t, we get disappointed or we work even harder, trying to reach an unattainable standard. We waste so much time on ideals that we miss life. Looking for the extraordinary in the mundane, taking a step back and acknowledging the beauty in what God has created, appreciating the little things, seeing the blessing in the mess – it’s what makes life joyful.Lastly, I think this song does a wonderful job at addressing what we’re all feeling right now. I’ve seen so much good come out of this pandemic, but not nearly as much as there should be. The world is divided. People are angry. People are hurt. People are scared. And as a Christian, it’s easy to get distracted from what loving each other really looks like. The world tells us one thing, while Jesus tells us something completely different. It’s so hard to love like Jesus, but it’s something we all need to continue to strive for. We have to remember that each day we can start over; we can ask God to give us His heart for other people, and we can go out and be His hands and feet. Each day, even though the world seems like it’s literally falling apart, we still have each other and we still have God’s sweet reminders of His love. That’s what should keep us going.

Iniquity.

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of the word “iniquity” is a “gross injustice, a wicked act or thing, sin.” As I researched, some of the more “Christian-based” definitions went as far as saying that it was a deliberate choice to go against God and his laws.

When iniquities prevail against me, you atone for our transgressions.

Psalm 65:3

I have an abundance of iniquities – more lately than my usual amount, which is more than plenty. I’ve been unfocused and easily distracted, avoiding my Bible and prayer time all together, cranky, selfish, and lazy – just to name a few. I have not been in a good place emotionally or spiritually. I just haven’t.

It is so comforting for me to know that the God who made gorgeous mountains and roaring seas also made me. Not only that, but knowing I was going to be the way I am right now, knowing the sin in my heart, He also still forgave me; He still made a way for me to be saved. He has already atoned for my transgressions. The other amazing part, to me, is that long before Jesus physically came to Earth to be hung on a cross, David already knew the forgiveness of God; he already knew that God saves His children because He loves us so much.

I’ve been letting my “iniquities prevail” lately. Life is hard, and instead of hitting the floor with my knees and handing it over to God, I’ve been putting my head down, glazing over, and just floating through each moment to get it over with. This is a hard time in my life, the hardest I’ve faced yet, but it is still part of my life. I can’t just close myself off and wait until the storm passes; I might be waiting for years. And I can’t get those years back, I can’t do them over. They will be wasted. Yeah, life really sucks, it’s hard, and satan seems to have a new surprise around every corner. Everyone goes through hard times. What we do with it is what makes us ourselves. Do we let our iniquities keep prevailing, or do we start living like we know a God who has already atoned for our transgressions because He loves us so much?

That second thing? That’s living abundantly, and it’s exactly what God wants for us.

Refreshed.

You visit the earth and water it; you greatly enrich it; the river of God is full of water; you provide their grain, for so you have prepared it. You water its furrows abundantly, settling in its ridges, softening it with showers, and blessing its growth.

Psalm 65:9+10

I have a weird relationship with water, which is a strange thing to say, but bear with me. I don’t like being wet; swimming is definitely not my favorite; I’m not a fan of being in the ocean; I don’t like going out on boats; bridges and ferries make me uncomfortable; I even get motion sickness at the aquarium. But, I do love to watch water. I love to sit and watch rain fall – I love the smell and the sound of it – rain makes me happy; I like hearing the ocean, the waves crashing in the distance; I love watching water rush over rocks in a creek; and I generally prefer water over anything else to drink [besides coffee of course, but you make that with water…so I’m thinking that still counts] I honestly feel like water quenches my thirst better than anything. I realized at some point in my life that I’m drawn to instances where God uses water to draw us closer to Him. Songs like “All My Fountains” by Chris Tomlin, “Oceans” by Hillsong, and more recently “In the River” by Jesus Culture seem to speak more deeply to me. Maybe it’s because one of my deepest fears is drowning. Not being able to breath in general is at the top of my list. When it’s not being able to breathe because there’s water… terrifying.

This Lifehouse song is [yeah, I know, super old] one of those songs that resonates with me every time I hear it. I always picture Peter stepping out of the boat completely focused on Jesus, only to get distracted and fall into the depths of the water. I love the reminder that Jesus is always there to catch us when we fall.

Anyway, this passage of scripture caught my attention from so many angles. I love the notion that God rains down showers upon us and quenches our thirst, He enriches us, He makes us productive, He settles into our souls that He has carefully prepared, He softens us, and He blesses us. Baby girl and I have been trying our hand at caring for an herb garden over the last few weeks. It’s always amazing to me what a little water and sun can produce. We have more basil than we know what to do with, the oregano that was barely started when we received the garden has taken off and grown so much, and the dill is so much bigger than it already was. The imagery of God watering us just hit in a different way than it has before. I understood that I am like that little herb, and God’s loving care showers down on me and helps me grow. I’ve grown a lot from where I started, and God can grow me even more.

This morning was superficially hard. Nothing major happened, but a bunch of minor annoyances made me lose sight of my purpose for today. [Side note: baby girl had a series of several weeks where she just woke up cranky and stayed that way all day. She was defiant and just plain mean. I decided I needed to help set a better example of gratefulness, especially in the mornings. So, we started doing what I call a “thankful board.” Each morning as she eats her breakfast, we read a story out of her Bible book, then make a list of three things we are thankful for. Sometimes she says things that are right in front of her (milk, doughnuts, etc.), which is fine. But sometimes she pulls stuff from nowhere and leaves me astounded. One morning, she said she was thankful for her eyes. The other day, she came up with “breath.” Long side note – sorry] So this morning baby girl woke up grumpy and didn’t want to do her thankful board. I was trying to keep my cool and encourage her, and she finally decided we would do it. We read the Bible story about Jonah and then I asked what she was thankful for. She said “nothing,” and didn’t want to do it. I told her that was okay and that I would write down some things I was thankful for instead. Then she said, “no, no, I want to do it!” She immediately listed off, seemingly out of nowhere, “water, singing birds, and letters!” The water could have been from the Jonah story, but she hadn’t said anything about it before that moment. Anyway, that was my first “water hint” of the day. As the day went on and those minor annoyances I mentioned compounded, I could feel myself getting more nervous, anxious, and on edge. I was also physically thirsty. I kept hearing this still, small voice whisper that I needed to be “refreshed.” That particular word is not one that I generally think to use, so it was strange to me that it kept popping into my head. I had just laid baby girl down for a nap, started a cup of coffee, and turned on The Dick Van Dyke Show (my go-to feel-good show) when I felt a nagging. I will admit that I didn’t listen to it right away. I watched an episode and and finished my coffee, but my bible was sitting in front of me on the coffee table, just waiting to be opened. When I finally reached and grabbed it, I decided that I needed a pick-me-up, so I turned to Psalms. This passage jumped out at me. I read it, and the day’s “theme” just made complete sense. I did feel refreshed. I felt renewed. My attitude completely changed. I’m so incredibly thankful for the way God works. I love the gentle reminders and loving nudges He sends us through the Holy Spirit. And I’m always in awe of how He can use something in His word that I’ve read before to speak to me in a completely new way.

Called.

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-18

If ever there were a specific passage for a specific time, this is perfect for right now. Of course, it applies every day, but this is such a timely reminder of how we are called to live as Christians. I feel like in a time when we are all so self-centered and only focused on our own comfort and happiness, we need this encouragement and nudge in the right direction. My heart has been so heavy lately seeing all the hate and selfishness in this world. I know the bible warns us how evil the world is, but I’m not sure I realized the extent of it until this year. Sure, I knew evil people existed and caused their share of problems, but I think I assumed the majority of people in the world were generally good. This year has sure taught me otherwise. This year has not only forced me to see the reality of the evil that runs rampant in the world, but it has also made me greatly reevaluate my own intention and focus. It has made me take another look at my role in not only my life, but society in general. That last line of the passage gets me. The things listed are God’s will for us, it comes right out and says it. So many times I’ve felt like I didn’t know what God wanted of me, but He spells it out very plainly here.

Admonish the idle: my bible also includes the words “disorderly” and “undisciplined.” If we’re honest, we’re all a little disorderly sometimes, and God knows I’ve got a lot of work to do in the discipline department. The word “admonish” means to warn, advise, or urge (someone) earnestly. To me, this is a great reminder that we are called to keep each other accountable when it comes to our Christian walk. We are called to (in love) point out when someone is missing the mark. Likewise, we are called to be humble, so that when we are admonished by our brothers and sisters, we can keep our heart open to God’s direction, address it with grace, and make changes if necessary.

Encourage the fainthearted + help the weak: to me, this goes along with the first thing. We’re all weak sometimes. We all struggle with some thing or another. We all go astray sometimes. That’s why it’s so important to build each other up, encourage each other, and together turn back to God. We can’t do life well and be who we are called to be without each other’s love and support. We’re made for each other, just as we are made for God. Following Him is a lot easier when we have help.

Be patient with them all: whew, this is something I’m working on myself. I’ve seen so many people that I love lately be inconsiderate and selfish, hurtful out of arrogance, and just plain mean and nasty. And I’ll be the first to admit that my reaction to seeing this is not patience out of love – more often than not, it’s impatience out of anger. I need to work on that whole “slow to anger” thing. It just really gets me going when I see people mistreating other people, whatever the reason may be. And that’s where another hard concept comes in: loving the sinner while hating their sin. That’s another huge thing for another day.

Seek to do good: I love that this says, “to one another and to everyone.” We are to strive to do good to everyone – and that doesn’t just include our family, friends, and church, nor is it limited to people we like or agree with. It’s everyone.

Rejoice always + give thanks in all circumstances: God is always good. Always. Even when we don’t feel it, even when it seems our world is crumbling around us, even when it seems there is no hope in humanity anymore. God is still good, and there is always something to be thankful for if we step back and really ponder on who God is and what He’s done for us.

Pray without ceasing: talking to God through everything helps us stay focused on our calling, alert of evil and temptations around us, and keeps us in the right frame of mind. When we pray, we are more likely to see things with a heavenly perspective.

I’m not sure if God could send us a clearer message about how to treat people. I am sure that Christians as a whole are not following these instructions. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, we’re human and we’re going to mess it up. But, we also have the Holy Spirit and [ideally] each other to help us along. We should be doing better. We have work to do. I know that sounds daunting and hard and uncomfortable. I know it’s easier to just worry about ourselves. I know sometimes it feels as if it’s us against the world. But guess what? God has already overcome the world. We don’t have to. He’s gone before us and made a way for us to live as He has called us to.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

Move.

As I’ve said before, it takes me days, weeks, even sometimes months to process and formulate my words enough to share with you all. I have a lot written in my journal and typed out on my phone about personal things going on in my life right now, and I’m still working on feeling like I can share. At the moment, however, a huge amount of my thoughts are consumed by the current unrest in our nation. It’s taken me a few days to gather my thoughts, and I’m still not convinced that they are organized in the best way, but here they are.I feel like our nation is stumbling, and if we’re not careful, we will fall. We’ve stopped caring so much about one another and focused more on the idea of freedom. But, simply put, we can’t have liberty or pursue happiness if we don’t have life. People are suffering, and people are dying. And we’re over here worried about whether or not we can get a haircut. I try so hard not to get too political. Politics are a touchy subject with almost everyone. I hate politics. Politics are hard. But when politics overshadow people, I have a problem with that. When politics hurt the very people they are supposed to protect, I have a problem with that. And please, don’t ask me for a solution, because I don’t know. I acknowledge that finding one won’t be easy, but we at least need to start to try. Our job as Christians is to listen to one another, bear one another’s burdens. If we are dismissive of someone else’s feelings, or do nothing to address them, we are not doing our job. I find this concept to be very difficult in practice, but it should not deter me from trying.I’ve been silent lately simply because, astonishingly enough, I can’t find my words. I can’t find words to say I’m sorry, to apologize for unintentional ignorance, for being dismissive of issues that I just did not want to believe were actually issues. As I reflect on my childhood, I’m looking for where I missed the mark. My parents made sure that I understood that every single person is a child of God and no different than me. I was almost confused when they felt like they had to tell me that people who had different skin than I did were just as special and important and made to be loved… I couldn’t fathom that some people thought otherwise. I remember learning about racism in school, but for some reason I understood it to be something that happened in the past. I sincerely believed the world had moved on. I sincerely, and naively, thought that people who had such horrible thoughts about others were few and far between, and no one gave their opinions any weight at all. Even now, it’s 2020 for goodness sakes, we’re past these things, right? But we’re not. And I want to do whatever I can to rectify the present and change the future. It starts in my heart and it starts at home. I’ve been praying for God to show me where I’m lacking, where I need my heart softened, and where I can improve. And I’ve asked for the strength to change and the capacity to love my brothers and sisters even more.God has shown me so many times over the last few months that things I thought I had down pat still need work. He has shown me that stagnation is never good. He has flipped my world upside down and refuses to let me stay where I am, and I hate it, but I know it’s for my own good. I know He’s molding me, helping me to become the way He intended me to be – the best, holy, righteous version of me.I haven’t had much to say because words are just that, words. Without listening, growing, and taking action, they mean nothing.There’s a difference between simply knowing something and knowing something to the point that it drives you to action.We say we know God loves everyone and wants us to love others too, but do we know it to the point that we believe it and do something because of it? Do we just think it’s “nice” and go about our day as if we didn’t know it? One time, I remember Jim posing this question during one of his sermons: do we really believe if our belief doesn’t lead to action in some way? That question really resonated with me and has formed the basis of my thinking when I’m testing my own faith. The bible says even the demons believe in the one true God. They believe and shudder. (James 2:19) Their belief leads them to action- shuddering in the glory of the Lord.The thing about God is, He doesn’t need us, but He asks us to participate. Everything we are called to do we have to initiate. Sure, He will give us everything we need to do it and help us get there, but the fact remains: we have to move. Today is National Doughnut Day (as you may know, something near and dear to my heart) and Krispy Kreme is giving away free doughnuts. So here’s my loose analogy- knowing about the free doughnut doesn’t automatically put a doughnut in my hand. I still have to get in my car, drive to Krispy Kreme, and ask for the doughnut. Similarly, our knowledge of God’s existence doesn’t make anything happen. It doesn’t feed or clothe anybody. It doesn’t tell anybody about God’s love. It doesn’t mean we’re saved. And for some people that’s hard to grasp. I know I’m still learning and growing my way through it as well.The point of all this is to say: if you feel God tugging on your heart, move. Go, do. Start an uncomfortable conversation. Ask hard questions. Seek, learn, grow. God will give you what you ask in His will, and His will is for us to love Him and love others.

More.

I’ve been silent lately because life has been even scarier and crazier than just a pandemic. It’s harder than it’s ever been and than I ever wanted it to be. I still haven’t been brave enough to make myself put it out in the universe. Maybe I will soon. For now, here is a small devotion that I did the other day that I thought I needed to share.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:20&21

In this season of my life, saying, “Your will be done,” is scary. Life is scary. Things that I didn’t think could happen are happening. So much is changing around me and my life almost doesn’t feel like my life anymore. But the promise in this verse gives me confidence to still say to God, “Your will be done.” Right now, what I’m going through is painful and I absolutely hate it. What the world is going through is very scary. But the wonderful thing through all of it is that God is abundantly more than we can ever imagine. He knows infinitely more than I do. He sees forever into our future and goes before us. He knows what’s best for me and can and will work all things for my good. He didn’t say he would take away the pain the world inflicts on us, but He did promise to see us through it. He promises to never leave us.

I get lost in “religious debate” about “God’s plan” and things like predestination. My head literally gets all fuzzy when I try to think about it. But, honestly, I don’t think we’re supposed to understand, and that’s hard. We’re taught from a young age to think critically and search for our answers. But sometimes the answer is that, as our pastor Jim often says, God is God and we are not. We have to trust that whatever happens, for whatever reason, He can and will use it for good – even if we never see the outcome in this life.

So, there’s that. Writing after such a long time feels so weird, yet normal at the same time. I sincerely pray that God uses me through this. I know that I’m supposed to use what I’ve been given to let people know that they are not alone.

Also, apparently, it’s been a year since I became coffeemamabogie… that’s crazy to me. I love you all so much, and I pray that whether you’re going through something hard, or this is actually the happiest time of your life, you are seeking God and His wisdom. I pray you are thanking Him for your blessings, whether they are currently hard to recognize, or obviously abundant. I pray that we all love on each other as much as we can, and that we recognize that life is not about ourselves. ❤

Good.

So, I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. It’s not for a lack of words – I have oh so many – rather, I feel like they are nothing new. Everyone has words about what’s going on in the world right now, and I wasn’t sure mine were important or eloquent enough to share. I wrote the following several days ago, and obviously a lot has changed even since then.

(8) This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. (9) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:8&9

In this passage, God is speaking to Joshua, preparing him to take over where Moses left off and lead the people into the promised land. As it is with a lot of old testament stories, I think it’s important to use as an example still today. We have a serious pandemic going on in our world. After brushing it off as not that bad for a while, I’m just starting to understand the gravity of it all. Schools are closing, events are being cancelled [there’s no basketball!😕], and people are freaking out – store shelves are empty (we just went to grab a few things we needed tonight and the store had zero gallons of milk and no toilet paper in sight?) I saw where someone had posted verse 9 on Facebook in reference to all of this, and decided to look it up. Verse 8 ended up seeming equally as important. God isn’t telling Joshua to go out and evangelize to these people, they have seen their share of miracles and were slow to understand. (Sound like anyone we know today? I’m talking about all of us, here.) All He told him to do was to ponder God’s word in his heart and live it out. He also very plainly commands Joshua, not just tells him, to not be afraid as he carries out the plans God has for him.

This pandemic is one of those things that I don’t understand the purpose of, but I KNOW God can use it for good. This definitely feels like one of those times where, as Christians, our actions are going to speak abundantly louder than our words. Because of what’s going on, people are facing not only inconvenience, but straight up hardships, and some even the danger of death. Plus, the world hasn’t stopped turning. Things that afflicted and burdened people every other day are still there – with the added stress of trying to keep themselves and those around them healthy. Life is hard for everyone right now, for some much more than others. People who have never even thought about food insecurity are faced with shortages, and those who already struggle with it are struggling even more. God can use this situation to soften and refocus our hearts if we let Him. His ways are so much higher and greater than we could ever imagine, but I want to be ready and prepared to be used in His plan. I can’t do that if I’m consumed with fear or defeat.

The world doesn’t need our preaching right now so much as they need our compassion and our help. They need us to be the hands and feet of Jesus just like we are called to be. God can and will take care of their spiritual needs through our physical work. I love how I already see communities coming together – strangers sharing supplies because they can’t be found at a store, people offering to run errands for those who shouldn’t get out, school districts going above and beyond to make sure that students are still fed, supported, and loved, even though school is out. Good will come of this, and I totally want to be a part of it!

Some things that have come about from this or have been exacerbated by it that I just feel the need to comment on:

  • PLEASE refrain from sharing false information. It leads to confusion and chaos, and sometimes is downright dangerous. I’m not only
    talking about virus-related info, but closings and other rumors that are easily verified by checking the appropriate website. Do a little digging before you hit “share” PLEASE. (Ex. Holding your breath is not a test for the virus, calling customer service on the baby formula can will not result in a free case of formula, and Amazon is still currently shipping out all kinds of items, not just medical supplies and necessities.)
  • Be considerate. Don’t be ridiculous. Hoarding 50 thousand rolls of toilet paper doesn’t do anything for you and it takes it away from those folks who might actually be out. Also, things don’t just magically appear on the store shelves all by themselves; someone, a person who, just like the rest of us, is trying not to get sick and keep their loved ones well, is delivering, unloading, and stocking the items you’re grumbling about not being there. These people are working hard. Be nice. Be considerate. At least be decent.
  • I cannot say this loud enough: just because you don’t feel sick or are healthy enough to think you would more than likely be fine if you got it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow the recommendations from experts and officials. Fine, you don’t have to worry about yourself. But please worry about those whose immune systems, for whatever reason, can’t fight for them. Worry about others. Can I say that again? The world doesn’t revolve around me, and it sure doesn’t revolve around you either. We need to take precautions for the good of EVERYONE.

I pray that our selfish world uses this time to take a step back, to ponder the importance and the worth of those around them. I pray that, as we are forced to slow down and spend time with those we love, we don’t take these moments for granted. Yes, it’s inconvenient. Yes, it’s different. But maybe, just maybe, humanity needed a little stir. Maybe we needed that reminder to appreciate the little things: the movie night, the family dinner, reading books with our children, and having real conversations with our spouses. Maybe we needed that push to care for others, that kick in the rear to be more thoughtful. Maybe, just maybe, this will change our perspective for years to come and shift our focus and concern to our whole community instead of just ourselves. Maybe.

Refining.

So, those of you who read my last blog post know that satan was testing us after we made a commitment to tithe regularly. Well, just as He promised, God was faithful. My husband gets a commission check on top of his regular salary, which is already amazing. It allows me to only work part-time and still stay home with baby girl. Well, his last commission check was SEVERAL HUNDRED dollars more than usual. Don’t tell me for a second that wasn’t orchestrated. We are never without what we need. We are abundantly blessed. Anyway, the following is from a few weeks ago, but God laid it on my heart to talk about it tonight.

(6) In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, (7) so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Christ. (8) Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, (9) obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:6-9

Sunday night I was looking for a verse to help motivate me for the upcoming week and stumbled upon this passage. I wrote myself a note to look specifically at verse 8 again, but when I opened my bible this whole passage really spoke to me. If we’re looking for a reason for all the bad things that happen to us, this is it. “Getting through” the trials of our lives is usually all we strive for because it’s miserable and we can’t wait for whatever it is to go away. What if instead we looked at trials as a chance to put our faith into action? What if instead of focusing on how bad our life is and feeling sorry for ourselves, we looked for opportunities to use it for God’s purpose, to show God’s love, and to strengthen our own faith? I had never thought of my faith in God as more precious and stronger than gold.

And then there’s verse 8. Only when you have truly experienced Christ can you understand this verse, I believe. I think this is what the world has so much trouble understanding about Christians. No, I haven’t physically seen Jesus, but man have I seen Him at work in my life. Yeah, some days (okay, actually, every day) it would be so much easier to follow Him if He were physically standing next to me giving me a play-by-play on what to do and say next. I would LOVE that. But, that’s just not how He operates. He loves us enough to give us freedom, and with that freedom comes lots and lots of choices. The inexpressible joy comes from following Him and seeing that His way is the best way; it comes from knowing that we are free, but we are not alone – He’s holding us every step of the way.Verse 9 didn’t speak to me much at first, but as I read it again I began to better understand. Our faith is just that – it’s our own. Jesus died for every single one of us, but it’s our own faith that determines the outcome. That’s why our faith is more precious than gold and why it has to be tested and refined. Seeking God is always important, but it is especially important in times when it seems hardest. Those are the times when God is really working on our hearts. If we’re just “getting by”, we will miss it.

Tithe

Last week was a crazy week. This week has been much more calm, and I’ve had some time to process. So, it all started two weekends ago, actually, when a car that we normally couldn’t afford showed up at my husband’s work (he works in the automotive industry) in exactly our price range. We had been discussing needing a new one in the near future – ours has the possibility of some transmission issues and our extended warranty has expired. We’ve always had issues with the air conditioning not being cool enough, and there’s no rear A/C, so it takes baby girl forever to cool down in the backseat in the summer. Plus, the paint looks awful (and I know that doesn’t affect how well the car drives, but it literally looks like I drove through an acid hail storm.) I did not think, however, we would be thinking about purchasing another one so soon. Anyway, this car turns up and it checks all the boxes on my “must-have” list for a new car: heated seats (we had these in a previous car and I miss them so much), heated mirrors, rear heating and air, and enough room for all our stuff – especially the mound of stuff we take on vacation with us. My husband inquired about the car and turns out, it was priced that low by mistake, but they’re willing to honor it. Well, that seemed too perfect. So, that night he and I discussed it, then I prayed about it before bed. I had a very clear dream that night that I asked God for a sign that we should buy this car, and He provided it. But, still clearer in my dream, God told me to give Him what was His first. We’ve been spotty tithers the last few years. At first, I blamed it on the new baby, then “mom brain” made me forget, but somewhere along the way I let it become of little importance in my mind. I’d give when I remembered, and sometimes not even then because we had extra bills that month or whatever. You don’t have to give me a tithing sermon, I know deep in my soul the importance of giving God back what He so graciously gives us. I just let it become a wedge. It kept separating me further and further from God’s plan for my life. It wasn’t good. Then a few months ago, hubby told me that our church was now doing automatic withdrawal for tithing. I know, it sounds sort of cold, but it was exactly the commitment and accountability I needed. I wanted to give, I just either let it slip my mind, or rationalized my way out of it when it came time to actually do it. I was not a “cheerful giver.” He and I both agreed that this was something we needed to do, but, again, for whatever reason, we hadn’t done it yet. So, when I had my dream, I knew exactly what we needed to do before anything else. Sunday we got the form and set up our tithes to be withdrawn from our account automatically.

Monday was incredibly warm for a February day. Our hot water had been running out pretty quickly for some time, so hubby went to Lowe’s and got an element to change out to see if that helped. Baby girl and I had already played outside, but daddy was going and she wanted to go too. I really had more work I needed to do, but I put it off until later and took her back outside (a 10 or 11 PM clock out time is pretty normal for me anymore.) Hubby got under the house and started working on the water heater. He came out a few minutes later and told me that the whole bottom of the unit had rusted out, and there was no way to fix it. My mind immediately started spinning. We had talked about, down the road that included a home improvement loan, putting in a tankless water heater. I start trying to figure out how to make something work, but my head just kept getting fuzzy. Too. Much. Big. Decision. Making. We talked about calling a plumber we know and discussing our options with him, but it was already like 5 PM, and it was supposed to rain the rest of the week. Hubby ended up finding a tank that would fit in our short crawlspace in stock at Lowe’s, so he went off to get that while I fed baby girl dinner. He got home and started working while I put baby girl to bed. I finally went out to check on him and I felt so helpless. I asked what I could do to help, and he said, “just keep me company.” There was a lot of crawling around in the dirt under the house, turning on faucets, and walking back and forth through the yard. My sweet husband was under the house on his hands and knees in the dark working so hard so that we could have hot water. He’s literally the best.

Tuesday morning baby girl woke up a few minutes earlier than usual screaming her head off. She had a stuffy nose, but other than that seemed fine. She ate a few bites of breakfast and said she was done. As the morning went on, I could tell she was congested. I called the pediatrician to find out the correct dosage for some benadryl, and we turned the shower on really hot and sat in the steamy bathroom for a while. When we got out, she really started acting pitiful. I could hear that she had some drainage in her throat, and she ended up gagging on it and throwing up. I thought that was all it was, but she ended up vomiting about 10 times throughout the day. She couldn’t keep anything down.

Wednesday she was almost more pitiful because you could tell she felt better enough to want to play, but she didn’t have the energy to. She barely ate all day, but did eat a fairly good dinner. We sat on the couch and cuddled most of the day.

Thursday she was much more like herself, with only a few pitiful moments in between. She still hardly ate anything. That morning I had so much energy. I changed the sheets and washed the dirty ones, started straightening up a spot in our bedroom that has been a mess since we moved here, did more laundry, did some proactive and productive things for work, did the dishes, and just straightened up anything else out of place along the way. I was so stinking productive. I was sitting on the couch working when baby girl woke up from her nap. I went to get up, and I noticed I was kind of sore all over. My throat had been a little scratchy that morning, but I figured it was sleeping with my mouth open. That afternoon, I could feel constant drainage running down the back of my throat, and it was getting progressively worse. By the time 3 o’clock rolled around, I was pretty miserable. That night I laid in bed and my arms and legs just ached. I could barely swallow and when I did I gagged on what was in my throat. My poor, sweet girl… no wonder she was pitiful. It was miserable. Luckily I skipped the vomiting part, but it’s now Monday night and I’m still not 100%

Sweet girl starting to feel better. Dressing up and a good book are a great remedy for the yuckies.

Baby girl and I stayed home from church yesterday so we didn’t spread our germs and I’m glad we did. She had a meltdown after she woke up from her nap that lasted an hour. I’m still not exactly sure what was wrong, but she acted like something hurt. We finally gave her some pain medicine and after it had just enough time to kick in, she finally calmed down. Even today, she’s had crying spells, she hasn’t wanted to walk much at all but instead wants to be carried everywhere, and we’ve sat and cuddled more than we’ve done anything else. I told my husband today that I’m not going to lie – I kind of like it when she starts whining [okay, I really don’t like the whining part] and says, “I need to cuddle mama.” There were months and months after she was born, maybe even a whole year, where she just did not like to cuddle. So, even though it’s not super conducive to me getting things done, it makes me happy to hear that she wants to cuddle. I do hate that it’s because she doesn’t feel good. We’re going on a week that she’s been off.

Anyway, we made a commitment to give God some of the money He has blessed us with, and look, satan immediately freaked out. He attacked us hard. Nope, I’m not taking that money back to pay for whatever you’re throwing at me. You can’t threaten me. I KNOW that when I bless God, a wonderful side effect of it is that He will bless me right back again. I have no room for your financial strains and sickness. Bye.

The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully… He who supplies the seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness.

2 Corinthians 9:6 & 10

So, obviously it’s Wednesday now…I started writing this last week and finished Monday. Word vomit. I think I write these things to process them, to kind of take a step back and see them from a different perspective than the one I have when I’m smack dab in the middle of it. Also, it’s way easier to recognize satan’s attacks when you take a step back. I think I also just want to remember these things. Broken water heaters and sickness are real life. It may not be the picture-perfect moment that I’ll remember 20 years from now, but it’s still our life right now.