Possible.

Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in my name, I will do it.

John 14:13&14

Jesus wants us to ask for things in His name, He wants to do what we ask so that He can glorify God. Actually, let me back up to verse 12, because I can’t stop thinking about it after having read it:

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do, and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father.

When we are in God’s will and lean on Him for help, strength, wisdom, and power, we can do just as much good as Jesus did while He was on earth. Okay, I could see that [although personally, I think I have too much doubt for even that.] But Jesus says we can do even GREATER works. What? I had never really paid attention to that before. We can do greater things than part the sea, heal the sick, raise the dead? I can’t even fathom that.

It always overwhelms me to think about the power we have through the Holy Spirit. We could be out performing miracles daily – what the heck are we doing? We let ourselves get bogged down by earthly distractions and physical limitations. We let the world tell us what is possible, rather than listen to God’s word. Basically, we agree that we believe God’s word, except this one part, because it’s hard to swallow.

I guess it all comes back to motivation. Why are we wanting God to move? Is it to show His power, His love, His majesty to others? Or is it because it’s something we want? I’m so super guilty of being selfish in my prayers. If I’m being completely honest, a lot of times I pray for someone because of how their life affects mine, not out of genuine concern for that person… and that is terrible. Learning to see others how God sees them – as souls who need Him – can drastically change my motivation, and subsequently, my prayers. In turn, what will God fulfill through me? The possibilities are endless. Isn’t that wild?!

Season.

It was pretty cool here Friday, like 70 degrees and cloudy. I’m. So. Happy. It has been so hot and dry here lately, I’m pretty sure we went three whole weeks without rain. When I went to write this blog post, I looked up the word, “pluviophile,” because I had read somewhere that it referred to someone who loves rain, and thought, “that’s me!” Much to my disappointment, that’s not a real, Webster’s recognized word. But, it still describes me. I legit start getting antsy when it hasn’t rained in a while, and almost a little depressed. So, the last little while had been adding some extra emotional stress to my days. It has finally rained and I am so much more calm than I have been. I’m certain most people are the opposite, and hate when it rains for days on end. So, either way, someone somewhere is miserable no matter what the weather is doing. That’s a happy thought.

Anyway, I was driving home from the store on Friday and got to thinking. I used the “cooler” weather as an excuse to wear my favorite shirt, which is long sleeved. Baby girl was babbling and singing in the backseat. We had just bought doughnuts. It was Friday. And the weather felt ah-mazing. I felt so full of happiness. I wondered why in the world it couldn’t feel like that all the time, I would be so much more comfortable and happy. God spoke to my heart very plainly and immediately – “you wouldn’t appreciate the cool as much without the hotter months.” Yep, true. No, I don’t necessarily ever get tired of the cooler (even cold) weather (I know, I’m weird), but there is something different about that first hint of crisp air after months and months of sweltering heat; it’s a happiness that just fills my entire soul. I can only imagine that people who love warm weather feel a similar happiness when spring makes an appearance after a cold winter.

That got me thinking – in our lives we go through different seasons as well. We have good, comfortable seasons. We have awful, miserable seasons where it feels like everything is hitting us at once. We have mundane seasons where we’re merely trudging through. We have all sorts of times in our lives that make us experience all sorts of things. Would we recognize the good without having gone through the bad? If we don’t experience hardships to some degree, would we take our good times for granted? I honestly think so. I don’t think we can truly recognize God’s light if we’ve never experienced darkness. God knows the balance, He knows exactly what we need to grow into the exact person He wants us to be. The hard part, for me anyway, is remembering to look for the blessing and/ or the lesson when I’m going through the valleys of life. It’s easy to get caught up in the “why me?!” of it all, that I miss the point. Only after, when the next blessing comes along, do I look back and say, “oh, I get it now.” Or, when times are good, I still dwell on negative, minuscule things that don’t matter, rather than enjoy what’s going on around me, and more importantly be grateful for it. The thing I need to work on is enjoying the present and being thankful for it – whatever it looks like and however miserable I may think it to be. If we’re only sitting around waiting for the good times to come along, we not only miss the present, but we also build up the thing we’re looking forward to so much, that it almost becomes disappointing when it finally happens. Does that make any sense? Maybe it’s just me.

As I was writing this, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 came to mind, especially verse 1:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the sun.

It may be cliché and remind me of a Byrds song, but it’s true. The thing we have to remember is that whatever is going on in our lives, God CAN and WILL use it for our good if we allow Him to. (Romans 8:28)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for all those who are called according to His purpose.

Do I believe that? Wholeheartedly, but I forget that I believe it sometimes. Plus, I think I’m guilty of applying this in my mind only to big things. But, even small, everyday things like the weather can be used as well. I just have to be open to see it.

Publish.

Hubby and I were talking about technology the other day and how it makes it so very easy to do bad things, say hurtful words, and make poor decisions. Everything and everyone is at our fingertips, and it’s scary sometimes. [Completely unrelated sidenote: this conversation started because of a TV show. Have you all seen the BBC Sherlock series with Benedict Cumberbatch? It’s. So. Good. I don’t know why we haven’t watched it before now. Thank goodness for that Netflix free trial that I forgot to cancel so I felt like I had to get my money’s worth this month. I love it so much!]

Anyway, I was going through my bible journal and found the following, and it made me ponder the upside to technology as well:

Declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous works among all the peoples! (ESV)

Publish His glorious deeds among the nations. Tell everyone about the amazing things He does. (NLT)

1 Chronicles 16:24

[My current bible journal has verses at the bottom of each page.] The scripture at the bottom of the page caught my eye today, especially that word “publish.” Apparently, they got theirs from the New Living Translation, mine was slightly different, so I wrote them both out.

The internet makes it so easy to connect with people halfway around the world instantly. I had a lightbulb moment as I read this verse – my obedience to God in writing this blog is really obedience to this call. I know there are bible apps, and anyone, almost anywhere, can have access to the bible at any time. But, I’m making my testimony available to the world. There are so many people who I would never, ever get to meet in person. They would never get to know me, be able to relate to me, or see how God has worked in my life uniquely without me putting it out there. The modern conveniences of the world can be used for God’s purpose, if we focus on God and don’t get distracted.

So, I’m not saying by any means that technology can be a suitable replacement for human connection. That will never be the case. However, just like anything else in this world, it is a tool. We can choose to use it for selfish purposes, or to spread the gospel. We can make it all about us, or use it to show God’s love to others. I forget sometimes what I’m supposed to be doing here. I try hard to make myself seem funny or relatable. I worry when one of my posts goes without too many views or likes. I get caught up in what other people think of me and the tangible feedback I’m not getting. But, every time, I’m quickly reminded that I’m not “doing well” because my heart is not in the right place. The second I make this about me, I’m doing it in vain, and it’s nothing. I’ve been trying to remember to pray hard over these posts before they ever get published. They’re for God and His people. Not me.

Rollercoaster.

This week. This week has been a week. Last night, I contemplated on this week, trying to look back and see my blessings. Monday started like this:

I’m trying to decompress from this day, and I’m just not sure how to do it. Besides the two loads of dishes I ran in the dishwasher, I got absolutely nothing done. I’m completely exhausted. This kid of mine is going through something, and I pray to God it’s just a phase. I think she’s testing her free will, but I wish she would just stop. Every other thing I ask her to do is answered with, “no,” the last few days, and I’m not handling it well. This morning, me asking her to clean up her blocks turned into a huge fight, and I ended up screaming at my child. The worst part, to me, is that none of it phased her. Speaking sternly did nothing. Physically picking her up and putting her in front of the blocks was apparently hysterical. Me raising my voice was also funny. Me swatting her bottom was a game. I finally just screamed. I was so mean. She jumped and finally started crying. I immediately felt terrible and started sobbing as well. It was awful. I left the room for a minute to compose myself, and left her just standing there crying. When I came back, I was more sad than mad, and just scooped her up and hugged her. I tried to explain to her that it makes mama sad when she says, “no,” to me and doesn’t listen. We cuddled a bit, I was trying to defuse the situation. After I thought we had both calmed down, I tried again to get her to put the blocks away. She started doing everything but that again, and I did not want a repeat of what had just happened. I tried telling her that it was almost lunchtime; that didn’t really matter to her. I finally gave up and just let her roam around her room for a few minutes, stalling. It really was lunchtime now, and I was wondering how stubborn she was really going to be about it all. She finally looked at me and said, “eat?” I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes. So, she picked up all her blocks and put them away… it had to be her idea, not something I was telling her to do. Ugh.

Is it because she is a mini version of me and I know exactly what she’s thinking when she acts like this that I get so very angry? She’s pushing limits, resisting authority. I get it, I do it too, just most of the time it’s in a much more passive (sometimes passive-aggressive) way. I understand the desire to do the exact opposite of what someone tells me to do, simply because they told me to do it. I understand getting defensive when someone tries to tell me they know what’s best for me. But for goodness sakes, she’s ONE AND A HALF. Should she even feel like this yet? Or does she simply just not want to clean up her toys. Maybe I’m projecting.

We tried on this bathing suit for vacation Tuesday night, and she was very adamant about wearing it the rest of the night… I think she was perfecting her Fancy Nancy look with those socks.

Then yesterday, I was just anxious all day. Like heart racing, body trembling, feeling of dread, edge of a full-blown anxiety attack kind of anxious, and I don’t even know why. I told my hubby last night – usually when I get like that, I have an idea (even if it’s somewhat vague) of what is stressing me out; I usually kind of know what exactly has me feeling that way. Not yesterday. I was seemingly having a physiological response to nothing. I still don’t know what had me so upset.

Today was pretty good. We all slept in a few extra minutes, baby girl woke up in a very good mood and stayed that way all day, and I’ve just generally felt better. It’s really been a pretty good day.

We’ll see about Saturday. In baby girl’s babbling earlier, I clearly heard her say, “doughnut ‘morrow,” so we’ll see how thoroughly disappointed she is in the morning that there aren’t any doughnuts… I know I’m already pretty disappointed about it.

Even after this week, I’m so very thankful that the “mundane, everyday” stuff is all we have to worry about. Life could be, and has been before, much more complicated. Work hasn’t been very demanding this week, and I’m so very grateful for that. With that being said, I am still mentally exhausted. I need a vacation.

Toddler lesson.

My kid has a stuffy nose. Like, the kind where I have to catch the snot dripping from her nose every thirty seconds. The kind that when she says “mama,” it comes out “bah bah.” The kind that makes it hard to eat because she can’t breathe through her nose, so she has to take breathing breaks in the middle of her chewing, causing her to gag on her food and refuse to eat any more. She’s so miserable, but she’s still so positive.

She went with me to work for a while – sat on the desk, got a sticker from my planner, watched the cars go by out the window. She fell asleep on the way home, cuddling an elephant toy that’s probably way too young for her, but it’s her car toy and she loves it. She was a trooper as I dragged her around to do more work. She was pleasant and smiling as we had lunch with family, although she didn’t eat much. She took FOREVER to go to sleep at naptime, but she wasn’t fussing, just singing and talking. She took a good, long nap and then woke up singing and talking some more. She then proceeded to play with her (my) bracelets for almost TWO hours. We laid in the bed while she played with them for a while and sang and talked. Then her granny came over and she played with the bracelets with her. She cleaned up when I asked her to. She quickly ate a very good dinner after her small lunch and not having any afternoon snack. She let me brush her teeth. She freaked out about getting saline drops in her nose, but really liked the vapor rub. She took forever to go to sleep again, but slept all night with minimal fussing.

That was yesterday. Today was… still okay, but we had a couple of battles of will. Today, she thought it was funny to tell mama, “no,” and run away after I asked her to clean up her books. Today, she said she didn’t want chips and salsa and rice (some of her favorites, and mine too to be honest!), but wanted to stay home (we went anyway, by the way, and she ate just fine). Today she said she wasn’t going to listen to me tomorrow, but wanted daddy to get her doughnuts. How old is my child?! Sometimes even I forget that she’s only just over 18 months old. Sometimes I forget that she’s not like, at least 3. Good grief. The conversations we have are ridiculous. The things she remembers after months are ridiculous. I’m seriously doomed. I’m pretty sure she’s already smarter than I am.

Despite her difficult-ness today, she was still pretty good. She was still obsessed with playing nicely with her bracelets. She still kept a pretty good humor as I dragged her back to the office for an unexpected work errand, enduring standstill interstate traffic and a car that was still hot even with the air blasting. She did ask me to sing “mermaid” all the way there and all the way back, and got really upset when I would stop to, you know, breathe and stuff. I kept trying to remind myself all day that she still doesn’t feel very good.

Sweet girl with all her “brabets”.

All that being said, I would not be even half as cheerful as she has been if I had a stuffy nose. In fact, I wasn’t. I was sick for two weeks straight last month and I’m pretty sure I was the biggest grump ever. How can I be more positive like my baby girl? How can I so easily look past the fact that I feel miserable and still see things around me to make me happy? I need a lesson from my one year old.

Learn to do good.

Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.

Isaiah 1:16&17

Jim actually had verse 18 as today’s verse, but he referenced the whole passage, verses 10-20, which I loved poring over. This is SO GOOD. Go read Jim’s devotion.

So, God is speaking to the people of Sodom and Gamorrah here, but He could very well be speaking to us today as well. The people referenced here were seemingly doing all the right things – giving offerings, praying, having celebrations and feasts – God says they are vain offerings, a burden to Him. These people were living in sin and only doing these things to keep up appearances. Jim called it “playing church” and we’ve got to be careful not to fall into the same thing. We have to constantly check our motivation.

Verses 16 & 17 really spoke to me, though. For one, God doesn’t just tell them that they are doomed; in fact, He offers them a way out; he offers them salvation. Our town, our nation, our world is a scary place to be a lot of the time. Sometimes, it can feel like everybody has gone completely mad. Our little town has been overtaken by drugs. Over the last week or so there have been FOUR mass shootings in the United States. FOUR. It’s hard for me to fathom how someone can be so hopeless that they feel that kind of thing is the answer. God tells us that it’s not hopeless, and I’m so very thankful that it’s true and that I believe it.

I don’t think anything around here is going to change, however, if we don’t listen to what God says to do about it. If we’re only focused on ourselves, we’re doing it wrong. If we play at worship just to make ourselves look better, we’re doing it wrong. If we’re so focused on rules and traditions that we don’t see or do anything about the need around us, we’re doing it wrong. We need to learn to do good.

Spirit.

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:6&7

The version Jim used said, “…kindle afresh the gift of God…” and that just really resonated with me. I let satan, time and time again, distract me and allow me to forget the progress I’ve made in my relationship with God. I’m so very glad that I write down these thoughts – so many times do I begin to fall away, to question my motivations and my faith, only to eventually remind myself (through God’s amazing planning) that I’ve struggled with the same thing before and grown from it. I feel like I go through different seasons in my relationship with the Lord: sometimes I feel so focused on God and in tune with the Holy Spirit; other times, I feel like I’m clinging to God’s word, trying hard to remember His promises and my joy. At the moment, I feel somewhere in between.

I included verse 7 (Jim only had the first part of 6), because that particular part kind of stepped on my toes. I often blame my humanity for becoming distracted, feeling inadequate, or whatever the case may be. And yes, satan does play on our humanity. BUT GOD GAVE US what we need to overcome it – power, love, and self-control. Ouch. I don’t have an excuse. The Holy Spirit is my power when I feel weak or inadequate. He is my love when I feel judgmental or haughty. He is my self-control when I face temptation. All these things are inside of me – why do I walk around acting all defeated by the world? I shouldn’t. I don’t have to. In the words of my hubby (he often says this jokingly when I do something stupid), I need to “DO BETTER.”

Lamentations.

Y’all get a threefer tonight, because I have been poring over my bible devotions trying to find a particular one, and in the process found other ones that seemed to go hand in hand with it. In going over these, I’ve noticed that Jim has some favorite verses and passages that he keeps putting in front of us, and that I keep writing about like I’ve never read them in my whole life. It’s so funny [amazing] how the same passage speaks differently to me at different times. So, the first one is from November of last year, and the other two are both from March of this year:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22&23

Jim asked what our favorite verse is, if it has changed, and why? For several years now, I have absolutely loved this verse from Lamentations. Once I started realizing how much sin is in my life and how much God continues to forgive me, this verse is overwhelming and comforting at the same time.

I screw up. Every. Single. Day. I try to live as God has called me, but I ALWAYS mess it up. I am so thankful that every new morning is yet another chance, a do-over, to live for Him. I think over the last several years, I’ve become a morning person; not the roll-out-of-bed-with-a-smile-on-my-face kind of morning person, but I do appreciate the time so much more than I used to. I like the quietness of it [yeah, that changed… the sweet baby is up with me then in our current season of life], seeing the sun rise, sipping my coffee and spending time with God in His word. I feel like it’s just the calm reset I need before I take on the day. I think that’s a big reason this verse speaks to me so much now. [Like I said, we kind of roll out of bed into the day now, but I still do love mornings with my baby girl – even if she is screaming, “eat!” at me as we walk down the hallway.]

Of course, hubby gives me a hard time about my favorite verse being from from Lamentations: “of course it is,” he says. I kind of complain a lot and tend to dwell on the negative. Maybe I do like the fact that it’s from Lamentations; it’s a bit of hope in a pretty much otherwise dreary book.

I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

Psalm 119:11

Jim challenged us to recall our favorite verse or passage, and think about how it keeps us from sinning. The awesome thing is, literally any verse could work if we really thought about it.

I’m pretty sure my very favorite verse is in Lamentations, of all books. 3:23 talks about the steadfast love of the Lord, and that His mercies are new every morning. This verse reminds me that even though I may have had a bad day yesterday, I may have been disobedient, and I definitely sinned, God still loves me, and I have another chance to do the right thing today. It gives me hope every day. As I dig further into God’s word, there are so very many verses and passages that i absolutely love. Also, the more immersed in them I am, the easier it is to recall them.

Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance, to understand a proverb and a saying, the words of the wise and their riddles.

Proverbs 1:5&6

Jim asked, how much bible can we stand? Do we read a couple of chapters and have to put it down? Do we read a verse here and there? I have a distinct memory from my teenage years where I’m sitting on my bed reading the bible. I had just heard about people who read the whole bible in a year, and thought that I would try. I started at the beginning, but remember becoming overwhelmed by the language (I had a New King James version.) Once I got to the pages and pages of “begets”, I was gone. I remember thinking at the time that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to read the bible anymore.

Flash forward to a couple of months ago when Jim used a passage about David for the daily devotion. I think I sat there for at least a good 45 minutes, totally immersed in 1 Samuel, reading all about David and Saul and trying to figure out who the heck Jonathan was – it was like a good book I couldn’t put down.

I still definitely have days where I just really don’t feel like reading God’s word, and it doesn’t speak to me (or so I think at the time.) When this happens, I usually try to write down something anyway, because on more than one occasion, my “uninspired” writing from one day will be exactly what I need to read another day. God definitely works through us even when we don’t think we feel like it.

I have made a more conscious effort to spend time in the word lately (even if it’s not my ideal time anymore. For example, right now it is 10:47 PM…) and I feel so much better because of it. The more I seek His wisdom and understanding, the more I enjoy being in the word, and the more I understand. Huh, imagine that… He gives us what we ask for.

Shew, sorry that was so long, guys. In my head, it made sense that all those went together, sorry if they seem random to everyone else. Also, I have SO MANY things I’ve written, so when I feel like I can post more than one at a time, I’ll probably do it. Aaaannnnd, stand by for my confession that I’ve not been great about going to God’s word the last couple of weeks. How ironic.

More than these.

I’m back! After I started this thing with what felt like a marathon of posts, I’ve been semi-quiet in comparison over the last few weeks. Life has been an absolute rollercoaster, and as things calm down, I’m still processing everything. I’m still looking back and seeing new blessings and lessons every time I think about it. I’m still finding the words to say about it. In the meantime, I thought I’d revisit another old journal entry. This one is from April, and it made me think again this morning.

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?

John 21:15

Oh, Peter. He had denied Jesus three times before the crucifixion, but he was the first disciple to believe that Jesus had risen. I seriously wonder how much of that faith was built on taking Jesus at His word, and how much was on pure guilt; he NEEDED to believe that Jesus was back, because he was guilty of sending Him to His death.

Jim asked how many times God asks us, “do you love me?” And how many times have we told Him, “no”? Of course I love God. But then I thought about that last part again… “more than these.” Do I love God more than the most important people to me? Do I put Him before my husband, my child, my friends and family? Not always. I’ve told Him, “no,” more often than I’d like to think. Jesus died for our sins, yet we still deny Him with our actions. We need to be more aware that every choice we make is a chance to answer “yes” or “no.”

Truths.

Here’s the thing. Never, ever on this blog am I going to say, “you should do this,”or, “the [so many] things you absolutely have to do,” or anything like that. I get really defensive when some random person who doesn’t know me tries to tell me that what works for them will work for me. You absolutely do not know that. (I’ve been told that not liking being put into groups is a millenial thing. I’m not fond of that label either…*) I’m not about that clickbait stuff, and I love you all too much to assume anything. That’s why, much to my dismay, you’ll see a lot of “I’s” in this thing. It’s not that I’m trying to be so incredibly self-centered (which I feel it can come across that way sometimes), but I’m simply telling you all what I’ve done, what works for me, what doesn’t work for me, my experiences, and what I’ve learned about myself. Never will I assume that something I’ve done will be the same for you.

With that being said, the ONLY time I will group us all together is when I’m talking about God’s truths. He made us all very different, that’s true, but He loves us all exactly the same and wants us all to be His.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to clarify this… maybe I was afraid you all were thinking that I was super self-absorbed or something. I’m just putting myself out there – my thoughts and experiences. If you can learn from my mistakes or feel solidarity in something I’m going though, that’s great, that’s exactly why I’ve been called to do this. If not, well, that’s okay too. Now you know more about me, and maybe have come away with a different perspective on something you might not have otherwise had. Either way, I’m striving to follow God’s will for my life.

*Random fact about me – when I was in college I thought I wanted a sociology minor, because my mom had one. Well, I took the intro class and absolutely hated it. I hated that there were all these groups you could seemingly arbitrarily put people into without knowing their specific situation. It really bothered me, I thought it was just way too assuming. The next semester I took intro to Psychology, and I was like, yes, this is better. I loved being able to focus on an individual and not having to force people into vague groups. I ended up almost double majoring in French (I know, useless if I’m not teaching) and Psychology, but the timing on classes I needed to do before graduation didn’t match up… and I was ready to get out of there. Sometimes I wonder what I could do if I went back and finished those three Psychology classes. I’m sure I’d need more schooling than that to really make a career in Psychology, but it drives me crazy to say, “I was three classes away from a Psychology degree.” C’est la vie, I suppose. (There, I used some French.)