Tag: aging

Lose.

As soon as the new year hit, I was BOMBARDED with ads on Facebook and Instagram for weight loss programs. When I watched TV, every other commercial was for a diet plan, gym membership, or piece of workout equipment. I get it, I’ve fallen into that “new year, new me” mentality before. I’ve fallen into thinking that the new year was somehow going to bring new focus, new drive, new motivation. And then I was sorely disappointed yet again to figure out that I was still me. A turn of the calendar page did not mean anything. This year was the first year I think I was actually aware of what is going on. I mean, yes, I’ve always known that the big weight loss push happens at the first of the year, but I hadn’t truly ever thought about what it meant. It means that the majority of us are unhappy with our bodies for some reason or another, and it means that we fall victim over and over again to big corporations trying to cash in on our unhealthy relationships with our bodies. I’m not saying that weight loss itself is a bad thing, but it really irks me that we “need” all this help. Why are we not taught practical ways to care for our bodies when we are kids? Why is junk food, fast food, and convenience food pushed on us? So that we will need to buy that diet plan later. And we have all these things that make our lives easier, but sometimes all it does is make us have to move less. We are so sedentary. And then we have to schedule out even more time to work out, we have to buy equipment for it, it’s a whole thing. And now I sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist, but it’s a gross cycle.

As I sat and watched TV the other day, I felt physically ill seeing all of these commercials. “Before” pictures showing unhappy, (sometimes) overweight individuals would fill the screen. One in particular I saw three times in one sitting and I couldn’t get over it. It showed this woman who was talking about how she didn’t like her body anymore and “didn’t recognize” herself, so she had to buy this program. I KID YOU NOT, I swear they bought her the same track suit from her before picture in a bigger size so it would look like she had lost weight. If you really focus on her, she doesn’t look any different. What in the world are we being fed?

I understand the need for our society as a whole to be healthier, I really do. But I absolutely know that these “miracle” programs are not the answer. And the fact that every other ad that is pushed into our faces tells us that our bodies need this or that before they are acceptable is bull. I am as heavy right now as I was when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter, and I’ll be honest, when I realized that, I was freaked out. I weigh so much that it is entirely possible for me to fit a whole [albeit small] other person inside me. I felt the initial shame, disgust, and general unhappiness with my body that the world tells me I should feel. But over the last several months, I’ve come to terms with my body. This body of mine has carried me through every single day. It has held me as I’ve had my weakest, most emotional moments over the last couple of years. It has hugged and hugged and hugged some more. It has laughed, it has cried, it has ached. It has stretched and it has held another human being. It has nourished our daughter and held her as she cried. It is the perfect body that God made for me, and I am done hating it. Now, I’m not saying this is where I need to live forever, that I couldn’t improve. I could definitely be a better steward of the blessing of my body that God has given me; I could do a better job of taking care of it. However, I will not be shamed into thinking that I have to be a certain size or eat a certain meal to be worthy of some arbitrary praise. My body is mine, and I won’t be shamed into hating it anymore.

One of my very favorite wedding photos, taken after the ceremony. I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion and my sweet husband was comforting me.

[My husband just asked me what I was “over there blogging about,” and I told him. He said, “Well, I love your body.” Ladies, find yourself a man who will not only appreciate your body no matter the size, but love it unconditionally. I am definitely not the same size (or shape for that matter) as when we first met, or even when we got married (although I stress ate for like a full month before our wedding and did gain a ton of weight 臘‍♀️) Anyway, all that to say, my husband is the sweetest.] We need to love our bodies, right here right now, no matter what they look like.

Thanksgiving

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. This whole going to the doctor thing is for the birds. I have several bible devotions I want to share with you guys, but they all coincide with things that were happening in my life at the time. So, I think I’m going to do things a little differently this time and actually date these entries, just to keep things straight. I might also interject with some details for clarification.

Nov. 6

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

This is God speaking to the Israelites, but I feel like if we are His people too, it applies to us as well. Several years ago, I had to go get an ultrasound on a “lump” in my breast. I was really scared, and my best friend texted me this verse the morning I went. It was a comfort to hold onto. Yesterday, I went and got some blood work done, and today the results were posted on my chart online. It just says “abnormal blood chemistry.” I have no idea what that means. I made the mistake of googling it, and it could mean anything as minor as dehydration or as serious as bone cancer or a blood disease.

I’m trying so very hard not to freak out or fear the worst. In looking for this verse again, I was reading through some other passages in Isaiah, and was reminded how big God is and how small I am. Whatever is going on with me, it’s just a tiny puzzle piece in the grand scheme of things. He’s holding it, just like He’s holding every moment of every single person’s life. He’s in control and my worry is not needed.

I’m not quite to the point of having unexplainable peace about the situation just yet, I just found out 30 minutes ago. But, I am clinging to God’s promises, the fact that He holds me, and that His will is perfect.

Nov. 7

Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God… I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul.

Psalm 31:5&7

I was not okay yesterday. The unknown completely freaks me out. I was trying to cling to God’s goodness, and to trust in His plan – but I was struggling.

When the doctor’s office finally called, I was so appreciative of the woman on the phone. She explained what was going on [high cholesterol and high liver enzymes] very calmly and was reassuringly positive. She calmed me down immediately. But then what did I do? I took what she said and started to worry and speculate. I forgot to praise God for the comfort He sent.

Then, I called my mom to tell her what they said, and I had a very good conversation with her. I hung up feeling better. I forgot to praise God.

Last night, I went to worship team practice for the first time in FOREVER. Before we prayed to begin, I was talking to a couple of people about what was going on. Our piano player has a doctorate in nursing, and she assured me that the liver enzymes were related to the cholesterol. Our sound guy agreed, and said the same thing had happened to him. I felt SO much better about everything. Practice was awesome – we sang songs that I love, I worshipped. But, again, I forgot to thank God for the comfort He sent me in those people.

Only when I sat down to do a devotion today did I realize what God had done. I literally had just posted a quote last night from one of my previous blog posts about how God is good even when I make myself too busy to see it… talk about stepping on my own toes.

Nov. 20

Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure… sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; make melody to our God on the lyre!… but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His steadfast love.

Psalm 147:5, 7, 11

Thanksgiving is on my mind today; partly because the holiday is coming up next week, but also because I just have so much to be thankful for.

Hubby and I were talking last night, and I realized at some point during like a five minute span, he had said, “I’m sorry,” to me about a dozen times; it wasn’t because he had done anything wrong, but because I kept stating things that were wrong with me or kept complaining about this or that. I got so frustrated with myself that I was focusing so much on all the negative things in my life. Yes, I have aches and pains; yes, my health is questionable at the moment; no, I didn’t get everything done today that I had planned to; yes, I am an emotional wreck about my baby growing up; no, our house isn’t exactly how we want it; no, we dont have the money to do everything we want to do… I could go on forever. BUT, I should be able to go on forever about my blessings. Everybody has aches and pains as they age, and I should feel grateful that I’m able to grow older; I am convinced that my circumstances have brought me exactly where I’m supposed to be while I’m having these health issues- God’s got it; my to-do list isn’t as important as God’s; I have a sweet baby girl that I prayed and prayed for, and she is healthy and growing; we have somewhere comfortable to lay our heads and spend our time; we are abundantly blessed to have what we need and more. Even if we didn’t have all that, we have hope in His steadfast love and He takes pleasure in us. WHAT MORE DO WE NEED? Not a thing.

My prayer today, and every day forward, is that I keep my life in a heavenly perspective. I have NOTHING to complain about – and if I think I do, that’s just satan distracting from my blessings so that I’ll forget to praise God for them, and so I’ll forget to use them for His glory. [Funny story – Jim’s message at church this morning was called, “I have a complaint.” Some awesome people did a skit (which I only saw part of in rehearsal) and he preached a message of thanksgiving. I didn’t get to see it all because of a busy, family-filled day ahead that warranted me to leave early and put my toddler down for a nap, lest she be cranky for the rest of the day. But, I definitely need to go back and watch the video. I know it’s the season, but God so very often lays the same theme on both our hearts. I love how He reinforces His word to me through Jim ❤]

Nov. 21

I will extol you, my God and my king, and bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and His greatness is unreachable.

Psalm 145:1-3

Jim asked us to think about what would make someone praise God this way. He said, in his opinion, it is because they have needed God and He rescued them; they see God’s hand in their lives; they have “pass[ed] through the limitations of self and the world and stepped into the kingdom where God is God and they catch a glimpse of what He can do, while at the same time realizing there is so much more that they can’t even begin to comprehend.” Have I experienced God like this? OH, YES I HAVE. Many times. So why do I forget to praise Him every day for who He is and what He’s done?

I need to approach Him every day with thanksgiving, recognizing who He is and what He’s done for me.

So, there’s all the entries I wanted to share with you about this. Thursday afternoon I went back to the doctor. It was kind of a long visit, but I did go over my long list of concerns with her. As far as the liver enzymes go, she said that most likely I just have a fatty liver and need to change my diet. She said it could also be my gallbladder, which I’ve been having trouble with off and on for over 10 years… so I’m kind of hoping it’s that and we can take it out and move on. I go Tuesday for an ultrasound of my abdomen to see what’s going on. She also had me do more bloodwork for a food allergy test with the possibility of a more comprehensive one pending the results. She’s referring me to a dermatologist and a chiropractor as well. I feel a little ridiculous, but I’ve been neglecting (actively ignoring) my health for so long, it is nice to have a plan… even if it does make me feel like I’m 95 years old. I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to address all these issues.

Me.

I haven’t written anything (besides my bible journal) in a while. I guess my recent anxiety is trying to hold on, because I just haven’t really felt like writing. I started typing out something similar to this the other night and got distracted. I just looked for it, and it was nowhere to be found – my phone deleted it. In talking with the husband, he pointed out that someone (ahem, satan) doesn’t want me writing. I’ve had an excuse why I shouldn’t or don’t want to the last several times I have sat down to do it. I was talking to him just now about it, waved my arms around (as I often do while talking… what can I say? I’m animated) and completely tossed my phone across the room as a loud, thunderous echo resounded through the house and down the hall to where I’m sure my sleeping toddler could hear. I literally started crying. A) because that proved right what he had just said… there have been so many distractions and emotional setbacks over the past few weeks that have prevented me from writing, and B) because I was stinking embarrassed. I’m a spaz, and I’ll be the first to admit it, but GOOD GRIEF. So, I guess I’ll just write. Whether I know what I’m going to say or not, whether I think it’s good or not. I’ve got to start again somewhere.

For those of you following my health, some new things have happened. Keep in mind: I am thirty one years old. I finally visited a primary care physician for the first time in my adult life. My blood pressure during my visit was through the roof, and the nurse practitioner I saw didn’t like it at all. We discussed a few options, and landed on a low dose of beta blockers. She said that not only would it help my blood pressure, but also my anxiety and migraines. So, I’ve been taking those for about a week and a half, and I have been checking my own blood pressure at home at least once a day. I’ve been told that I have white coat syndrome before, and I know that is a lot of why my blood pressure is high when I go to the doctor. I get so worked up about it… I even freak out using the machine at the grocery store. I don’t know what my problem is… I told my mom the other day that it hurts my arm, and I think that is part of the reason I get so upset – because I’m anticipating the pain. She said that it doesn’t hurt her, but that my granny used to always say the same thing – that it hurt. So, I’ve been taking it a lot lately, trying to desensitize myself to the cuff. The other day, I took it five times in a row because it was a little higher than it had been at first. I got it down substantially just by doing it over and over again – it literally went down a little every time. So, that’s where I am… constantly being aware of my heart rate and taking a “grandma dose” of blood pressure medication, as my nurse practitioner called it. I’m going to get labs done to recheck my cholesterol (fasting this time) and some other things this week. Then I will go back for a more comprehensive physical at the end of the month. It’s been so long since I have seen a doctor, I have a huge list of concerns… she’ll probably think I’m a hypochondriac. And she’ll probably be right. Everytime I have a random pain in my arms or legs, I pretty much convince myself that it’s a blood clot or that I’m getting ready to have a stroke. Yeah, that definitely helps my anxiety… The other night, I had sharp pains from my rib cage, up into my chest, and down my arm. I was pretty convinced I was having a heart attack. Then the husband pushed on my stomach, I let out a huge belch, everything shifted a little, and I realized it was probably just a gas bubble pressing on a nerve or something. Ugh.

Some other random thoughts:

Baby girl’s favorite word is “no” at the moment and she will disagree with whatever you say, it doesn’t matter what it is. She liked Halloween, but a boy in one of those blow-up dinosaur costumes really made her day. She keeps talking about it whenever anybody asks her about Halloween, and the last two nights, we’ve thanked God for dinosaurs in our prayers. She kills me. She’s also been very clingy the last few days. And as much as l love to hear her say, “cuddle mama,” I do have a job that I sort of have to do some of the time. It killed me this past week when I was working, and she kept coming over to my desk and saying, “mama play with you [me]?” How can I say no to that? How do work at home parents get work done? My job is only part time, and my new normal the last few weeks has been finishing up my work after she goes to bed (which, by the way, annoyingly cuts into husband time). Balance is hard. I feel guilty when I’m actually productive for work, because that usually means that baby girl has been left to entertain herself for hours, or has been dragged all over creation with me in the car. I also feel guilty when I spend the day with her, because I feel like I’m not contributing enough financially to our family. Mom guilt is rough.

A screen shot of a typical time sheet for me. Clocked in 12 hours, only worked less than five. A lot of times, it’s even less.

Baby girl and I have gotten back to taking morning walks. I love getting to spend the time with her, starting our day exploring outside, and getting in a small workout for me. Twice around our neighborhood is about a mile, and I know that’s not much. But, out of shape me works up a sweat and gets a couple thousand steps in. I figure that’s better than nothing.

Love our morning walks, even if we have to bundle up quite a bit now that the weather is chillier.

Well, now that I’ve broken the ice again, maybe I’ll get back to writing more regularly. I don’t know what kind of writing funk I’m in, but it can go away now. I’ll probably post a bible journal entry or two next time. I have several earmarked that I felt were important to share.

Coffee.

Warning: slight mention of breasts ahead.

So this morning, I posted on Facebook about how I felt like I needed more coffee (which is pretty much my sentiment every morning.) This stinkin blog is called coffeemama. I’m kind of obsessed with coffee. I went to the lady doctor today (don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details) and left having had bloodwork done to check my thyroid and cholesterol, and a prescription for an EKG that I still have to go do.

She checked my breathing and heartbeat several times and then finally looked at me and asked, “has anyone ever told you that you have an irregular heartbeat?” I kind of smiled and said, “no, but I’m not surprised.” Heart issues run in my family… on both sides. Plus, I have felt my heart “flutter” many times before and sometimes it just starts beating really fast for no reason. Yeah, I figured. But the next question hurt my soul. “Do you drink caffeine?” Yes, yes I do. After recommending that I cut down a bit, she still ordered all sorts of tests to rule out serious issues. Before leaving, I mentioned that I have been having some breast pain, and wanted to make sure everything was okay with my breast exam. She assured me it was, and then added, “caffeine could cause that, too.” Ugh.

What happened between when I used to drink espresso and go right to bed and now, when coffee makes my boobs hurt? Years happened, I suppose. I was thinking about that the other day. I’ve traded in the late night café mocha of my high school days for an early evening cup of ginger probiotic tea. PROBIOTIC TEA. How old am I? My mind and my body sorely disagree on that subject.