S E V E N years ago, I posted this photo on my Facebook with the caption “Current situation.” I remember this day like it was yesterday. This tiny girl usually hated sleeping on me, and I, guiltily, was okay with that. I liked having a few minutes to myself. I liked being able to fold some laundry or do some dishes while she napped. We were having such a hard time with nursing in those early days that I was constantly touched out, and any break I had from her being on my body was welcome. I remember feeling antsy this day. I had her in my lap doing her “awake time,” trying to interact and keep her as engaged as possible. It was so engaging, apparently, that it was exhausting and she passed out asleep in my lap. I remember feeling impatient. I wanted to move her to her sleeper so badly, but I knew it would wake her up, so I let her sleep. I posted this picture knowing what kinds of comments I would get from seasoned parents – “enjoy every second of it,” “it goes so fast,” “soak in all the snuggles…” And I KNEW that advice was true, but I wasn’t feeling it. I felt restless and almost annoyed at the inevitable comments I would receive. But, I posted it anyway. Not really for anyone else (although, cute baby pictures are always well-received), but for my future self – for the mother I knew I would be some day, to remind myself that while my feelings didn’t match my intention, I was TRYING. I knew, that this was something to appreciate, and so I tried to do so.
Being a mother has changed me so much. It has slowed me down, so much so that it often stops me in my tracks. Motherhood has softened me, it has grown my heart in ways I didn’t know it could expand. It has taught me that you can feel and know two different things, and that’s okay. It can be both. In the same way, I am learning that however I’m *feeling* doesn’t dictate what I know to be true – in regards to anxiety, in regards to everyday choices, and most importantly, in regards to who God says I am.
I’m proud of new mother me, because she was doing the best she could and laid the foundation of the mother I am today. Do I wish I had appreciated those baby snuggles more? Of course. I miss them so incredibly much that it hurts. If I had it to do all over again, I would chill the heck out. I was so uptight about schedules and ounces and milestones that it stole my joy. I was so embarrassed about how I was feeling that I stayed miserable. I hate that for myself, but I also want to use it to encourage other new mothers. You’re not broken, we all need help, and you’re not a terrible person for feeling how you feel. You are amazing.
Home. All kinds of people have often defined what home is. Comfort, peace, a soft landing place after a long day, just to name a few. Our daughter is a homebody (we are too). She LOVES being home. She would rather be there than anywhere. It makes going out to eat or going to church an issue every single time. She does not want to leave the house, even for something I know she will enjoy when she gets there [*ahem*, looking at you, school.]
My husband and I planned a trip coming up pretty soon that I KNOW our daughter will be excited about, because she has been talking about it since the last time we went. We told her the other morning, and she literally cried and said she didn’t want to go. She just wanted to stay home. Now, we’ve talked a lot about it since and I think she is getting more excited, but it’s a struggle.
Our daughter feeling completely at home on the grounds of Biltmore Estate a couple of years ago.
Her love of home keeps me so humble, and I just had this conversation with someone yesterday… I always think about that quote that floats around social media every now and then, “Remember that you prayed for what you have now.” And that’s SO TRUE. I have a husband who is my perfect partner in every way. We have a safe roof over our head in a safe neighborhood. We have a healthy, smart, beautiful child. We have a dog. We have enough money to put food on our table, to bless others, to get things we not only need but just want. I did, I prayed for all of this. So, when comparison and discontent creep in, our daughter’s love of our home keeps me in check. We have everything we need, and we’re comfortable and blessed.
Yesterday, we got a new shower installed in our daughter’s bathroom. It has probably needed to be replaced since we moved in, but we haven’t been able to do it until now. We lived with the old, stained, incredibly hard to clean textured tub from the ’70’s, but it always was something that bugged me about our house. Our daughter has cried and cried over the change in her bathroom. She loved the old tub. Last night as I put her to bed, she told me that home felt weird now because it had changed. Then she went into a long monologue about how much she loved home. She finished with, “Mama, can you make everywhere home?” Gosh, I wish I could.
Our home isn’t picture perfect, but it is the definition of comfort to our sweet girl.
I’m so thankful, humble, and blessed. I know that not all people, not all children have that safe space to land every day. And I pray that our home feels that way to anyone who comes into it. It’s a safe space, and you’re always welcome. There might just be dog hair everywhere and the kitchen may not be cleaned up from breakfast. But, people who love each other live here, and that’s really all that matters.
I’ve been really bad about blogging lately. I only wrote this because, yet again, it started out as an Instagram post and I got too long winded for their caption word limit. Anyway, I wrote this almost two weeks ago and I’m just now getting around to finishing it…
The stomach bug got sweet girl at the beginning of this week. It’s been rough. She’s already tiny (not dangerously so, don’t worry) and had just started finally gaining weight after being sick for what felt like most of fall and winter. Since November, she’s had some sort of viral bug, multiple colds, covid, and an ear infection. Now this.
Her room is usually the cleanest, most organized room in the house. When I feel like we’re living in chaos, I can usually go in there and instantly feel better. Well, between having to wash and change her bedding and blankets constantly, keeping the trash can close, her having small spurts of energy and wanting to read only to have to take a nap on my chest in the chair again… it’s A MESS. I walked in there earlier to grab something and thought, “This is an accurate representation of my brain right now.” I feel so restless. I feel like change is coming. I feel like I’ve got a million different things going on. I feel like a mess. But just like the fact that her room won’t always look like this, I won’t always feel like this. I know change is coming. I know God has plans for me, for my family… exciting, scary, wonderful plans. I just have to keep going, and to keep leaning into Him in the waiting.
The other day, I wrote out in the note pages of my planner, a plan. If you know me, you know I’ve never been a super goal-oriented person. Growing up in school, I was that annoying kid that all the teachers loved. I got good grades, I was quiet, I loved to help, and I never got in trouble. I was also that annoying kid that didn’t have to work too hard to get good grades. Most subjects came easily to me. But I absolutely dreaded when we would have career day or writing prompts about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I would always end up saying something like ballerina (although I had less than zero athletic ability, that’s nice and girly, right?) or doctor (because even at a really young age, I knew the grownups thought that was a good job because you get paid a lot.) I always agonized over these things, making up absolutely untrue reasons for my “aspirations.” I learned really early on how to say exactly what was expected of me and how to “B.S.” my way through schoolwork. It served me very well, even through college, haha. The point is, I’ve never been a big dreamer. They would go through this whole list of careers that we could choose from, and none of them sounded like they were for me. It sounds a little shallow as I type this out, but I can remember spending hours and hours pouring over my mom’s Good Housekeeping and Family Circle magazines. I just thought that was how life was supposed to be. Pristine home, home cooked meals, fun activities planned for the kids, family vacations, the works. I loved my family, and from the looks of things in those magazines, that was how you showed people you loved them: by buying the trendiest plaid couch or refreshing the drapes. Y’all, I know how this sounds. I know every feminist everywhere is probably crying right now, but I don’t care. I grew up watching shows like The Dick Van Dyke Show, I Love Lucy, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and so many more. The only thing that ever really appealed to me was being a wife and a mother. That’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. I know some people read that and immediately rolled their eyes. Some people have probably stopped reading by now, but hear me out. I’m not saying that any of those other professions are worse or better than what I wanted to do. I’m not saying that what I wanted was for everyone, because I’m not that naive, I know everyone is different. But for me, that was it. And growing up in the 90’s, I caught on pretty quickly that being a wife and a mother was not considered “a real job.” My mom has sold Avon for decades. When my sister and I were kids, she was a full time mom and an entrepreneur. But people still had the nerve to often dump responsibilities on her because “she has more time, she doesn’t work.” Um, excuse me? I take offense to this now as someone who stays home with a little and works from home. It’s HARD. It’s TIME CONSUMING. It’s absolutely EXHAUSTING. And just because my schedule may be a little more flexible than some does not mean I don’t have a job. I’m off topic here… anyway. It was obvious to me, even as a child, that I couldn’t express my dream of wanting to be a wife and mother without teachers trying to convince me that something else was better. So I just never voiced that dream. In middle school, we had job shadowing. We were supposed to go shadow someone who had the career we thought we wanted. This, of course, caused me anxiety, but I finally decided to shadow my aunt who was an office administrator at our local university. When I told my teacher who I was shadowing, she said (in the most condescending tone I might have ever heard), “You want to be a secretary?” 13 year old me felt anger for my aunt toward this teacher. I’m not sure I ever told my aunt about that interaction. But you know what? I did like working in her office. I liked organizing and straightening papers. The tiny teacher’s helper in me found it to be satisfying work. What in the world was so wrong with being a secretary?
Anyway, all this to say, the only dream I’ve ever had about my life so far was that I wanted to get married and I wanted to have kids. I remember planning it all out in a journal when I was like 10 or 11. I had each room in my future house designed and color schemes picked out (obviously my tastes have changed a bit and we didn’t in fact paint our bathroom lime green.) I had baby names picked out. I cared about this more than most anything, and I actually documented that dream. I planned for that dream. I hoped and prayed over that dream. And now, as cheesy and ridiculous as it may sound, I’m living my dream. I’m married to my absolute best friend and we have the sweetest daughter. And it may not look like a picture from a 90s magazine (or a current magazine or Pinterest or whatever for that matter), but it’s ours and it’s a dream come true. Never have I ever written out anything else in such hope. Never have I sat down and planned anything else so carefully. Until the other day.
A little (vague, because I’m not mentally prepared to be specific yet) backstory. There is something in my life that molded and shaped me more than I would have thought, especially in my teenage years. I’ve halfway joked for years about something related to that or thought that maybe in a different lifetime I would have done x, y, z. As the years have gone on, my circumstances have changed, I’ve grown and learned and lived, and that joke has become more of an aspiration that has seemed not very attainable at all. But quite recently, it keeps creeping into my mind. I’d love to do it, but I’d be scared, I don’t know where to start, I’d have to learn so many new things, it would be a huge commitment… The other day, I couldn’t concentrate on my work, so I sat down and just wrote the words at the top of the page. I looked at it for a moment, and then started writing furiously. I wrote down vague ideas and specific aesthetics. I wrote down goals. I just kept writing. When I finally stopped writing, I read over it and was more than a lot nervous about a) what I had actually written, and b) the manic state that I seemed to be in for a minute. I sat there and stared at the page, astounded that the words on that page had come out of my hand. Then I started to pray, confused about what had just happened. I literally said to God, “This scares the crap out of me. Is this actually something I can be praying over? Is this actually a thing?” And I immediately heard a “Yes!” What? I don’t know. This happened last week and I’m still processing it. But, you guys, it has to be important. I’m not a dreamer. I’m still that annoying, shy, quiet third grader who doesn’t rock the boat and has “simple” aspirations. I don’t do “big dreams,” so this is so out of character for me. It’s gotta be a God thing. And it’s going to be good. And terrifying.
As soon as the new year hit, I was BOMBARDED with ads on Facebook and Instagram for weight loss programs. When I watched TV, every other commercial was for a diet plan, gym membership, or piece of workout equipment. I get it, I’ve fallen into that “new year, new me” mentality before. I’ve fallen into thinking that the new year was somehow going to bring new focus, new drive, new motivation. And then I was sorely disappointed yet again to figure out that I was still me. A turn of the calendar page did not mean anything. This year was the first year I think I was actually aware of what is going on. I mean, yes, I’ve always known that the big weight loss push happens at the first of the year, but I hadn’t truly ever thought about what it meant. It means that the majority of us are unhappy with our bodies for some reason or another, and it means that we fall victim over and over again to big corporations trying to cash in on our unhealthy relationships with our bodies. I’m not saying that weight loss itself is a bad thing, but it really irks me that we “need” all this help. Why are we not taught practical ways to care for our bodies when we are kids? Why is junk food, fast food, and convenience food pushed on us? So that we will need to buy that diet plan later. And we have all these things that make our lives easier, but sometimes all it does is make us have to move less. We are so sedentary. And then we have to schedule out even more time to work out, we have to buy equipment for it, it’s a whole thing. And now I sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist, but it’s a gross cycle.
As I sat and watched TV the other day, I felt physically ill seeing all of these commercials. “Before” pictures showing unhappy, (sometimes) overweight individuals would fill the screen. One in particular I saw three times in one sitting and I couldn’t get over it. It showed this woman who was talking about how she didn’t like her body anymore and “didn’t recognize” herself, so she had to buy this program. I KID YOU NOT, I swear they bought her the same track suit from her before picture in a bigger size so it would look like she had lost weight. If you really focus on her, she doesn’t look any different. What in the world are we being fed?
I understand the need for our society as a whole to be healthier, I really do. But I absolutely know that these “miracle” programs are not the answer. And the fact that every other ad that is pushed into our faces tells us that our bodies need this or that before they are acceptable is bull. I am as heavy right now as I was when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter, and I’ll be honest, when I realized that, I was freaked out. I weigh so much that it is entirely possible for me to fit a whole [albeit small] other person inside me. I felt the initial shame, disgust, and general unhappiness with my body that the world tells me I should feel. But over the last several months, I’ve come to terms with my body. This body of mine has carried me through every single day. It has held me as I’ve had my weakest, most emotional moments over the last couple of years. It has hugged and hugged and hugged some more. It has laughed, it has cried, it has ached. It has stretched and it has held another human being. It has nourished our daughter and held her as she cried. It is the perfect body that God made for me, and I am done hating it. Now, I’m not saying this is where I need to live forever, that I couldn’t improve. I could definitely be a better steward of the blessing of my body that God has given me; I could do a better job of taking care of it. However, I will not be shamed into thinking that I have to be a certain size or eat a certain meal to be worthy of some arbitrary praise. My body is mine, and I won’t be shamed into hating it anymore.
One of my very favorite wedding photos, taken after the ceremony. I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion and my sweet husband was comforting me.
[My husband just asked me what I was “over there blogging about,” and I told him. He said, “Well, I love your body.” Ladies, find yourself a man who will not only appreciate your body no matter the size, but love it unconditionally. I am definitely not the same size (or shape for that matter) as when we first met, or even when we got married (although I stress ate for like a full month before our wedding and did gain a ton of weight 臘♀️) Anyway, all that to say, my husband is the sweetest.] We need to love our bodies, right here right now, no matter what they look like.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about, I haven’t posted anything to my blog since early November. For some reason, I just don’t have the words right now. I’ve been trying to live in the moment, even if these are not the moments I pictured myself having this year. I know this year has taken a toll on everyone’s souls. I know everyone feels heavy. And I’d like to say good riddance to this year as much as anybody out there. But, I can’t help but think that a number on the calendar is not going to change anything. Yes, we will be entering another year, but what will change from the last day of 2020 to the first day of 2021? What will change literally overnight? Nothing really. Just some number that we assigned to a specific amount of time. Maybe it’s a refresh that we need mentally. Maybe I’ll feel better than I think I will. But, one thing is constant and I’m so very thankful – God’s love for us never changes.
How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light. Psalm 36:7-9
Ugh. It’s been almost two weeks since I went to God’s word and wrote in my journal, and probably even longer since I actually talked to God. I don’t know what my deal is – this whole year has been a spiritual struggle. I think that’s why I was drawn to this passage as I read today.
I looked up the word steadfast: “resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering,” “not subject to change,” “loyal,” “firmly fixed in place; immovable.” That describes God’s love for us. It is PRECIOUS. And the fact that time and time again I let distractions, lies, and apathy make me look away from this perfect love – that makes me angry. I’m angry at satan for attacking me, but that’s just what he does. I’m even more angry at myself for falling for the same old things over and over again; I’m mad at myself for not being steadfast, even when God is. I’m angry that I can’t stay focused enough on His perfect love to fully appreciate it. Thank God that His love is perfected in my weakness, because man am I weak. God gives us everything we need and then more because he loves us. I love my daughter and I want to show her that love. Sure, I could cater to her basic physical and emotional needs and she would be fine. But, I want to love her abundantly. I want her to know that I would do anything for her. I want to make life beautiful for her. And that’s exactly what God wants for us. He gives us food, shelter, clothing, sure, but He wants us to live and love abundantly too. He didn’t have to give us the amazing amount of flavors and textures of food for us to subsist. He didn’t have to make colors or seasons or different hair types for us to live. But He did those things because He wanted us to see His beauty, His love for us. But, if we lose our focus, it’s easy to overlook these things, these “everyday miracles.” Only when we seek Him can we fully recognize His beauty.
In other “news,” if you’ve been following my blog, you know that a while back I put out into the world that I had been feeling kind of creative, but apprehensive about getting started. My sweetheart of a husband is the best. For Christmas, he got me a new sketchbook with pens and a tablet with a stylus. I made the pink graphic above using an app on my tablet and transferring my handwriting from there into an image I created on Canva.com. I’m excited to see what else I can do with my new toys. I’ve drawn more in the last few days than I have probably in my whole life.
You all, I went into panic mode major yesterday. I got on the good ole Instagram to post this photo, and couldn’t find it. Ever since I had put an SD card into my phone, Instagram has had some issues pulling things from my phone’s gallery, so at first I didn’t think anything of it. But I went in and searched for it like I normally do in the SD card memory and it wasn’t there. I got to looking and a ton of my pictures were missing, like THOUSANDS of pictures. The SD card that had been about half full now said that almost all the memory was empty. I was FREAKING OUT. I was trying to stay calm hoping that somehow my husband could save the day when he got home from work. I then remembered that we had downloaded the Amazon photos app just a few weeks ago and had backed up our photos to that. The day was saved, right? Not quite. When I opened the app, all it was showing me were the same photos my phone said I had… just a couple hundred, not the thousands we had backed up. Well, I was totally freaked out then, and noticed that my phone was getting really hot. So, I took out the SD card and put it into my computer… it still said there was hardly anything on it. At this point, I was really trying to come to terms with the fact that I may had lost all my pictures of our life from the last year and a half (I had backed up earlier ones before this on a physical hard drive). All I had were the ones I had posted on Facebook. But, after removing the SD card from my phone, I closed all the apps, prayed, then opened the Amazon photo app again. They were all there except the ones taken after September 10th of this year. I was so ecstatic. I guess something happened that day, and I’m glad I caught it when I did.
When hubby got home he found a program online to scan the SD card and found (I think, I’m kind of afraid to look) all of my photos and videos hidden in the “free space” of the card. Yeah, I’m not using that anymore. Ugh.
A few days ago, I saw two different instances where local families’ houses had burned down and they had lost everything. I had already been thinking about the people affected by the wildfires out west, how horrible it would be to literally lose everything I own. Then, I saw some pictures from Rachael Ray’s [the TV chef. I sort of love her a lot!] home. Her house burned down several months ago from a fireplace fire, and she shared photos of the devastation as the new season of her show started. I cried. I can’t imagine losing everything. I mean, I know that everyone says, “as long as everyone is okay, it’s just stuff, it can be replaced.” And that’s true. People are far more important than any earthly thing. However, family heirlooms are not replaceable; your kids’ artwork and handmade gifts are not replaceable; your favorite book you’ve read a million times over the years that is worn in just the right way is not replaceable. These things are just lost. It got me thinking about life and how sometimes we need spiritual fires to make us move. Sometimes we have to be shaken and our world has to be turned upside down for us to wake up, to see things with fresh eyes, and to get up and move. When I’m really comfy on the couch, I don’t want to move; I’m perfectly content to be where I am and have no intention of moving until I absolutely have to. I’ve found out the hard way lately that life isn’t comfortable, and when we start to think we might be comfortable, change comes charging in before we ever know what hit us. It turns over the couch and throws us into the floor. Life is hard. I’ll say that again because it’s so stinking true: LIFE. IS. HARD.
All these “sayings” that you hear about life being about more than stuff, about how time goes so quickly, about how we’re never guaranteed tomorrow… those came from wise people. Those came from people who have lived it and know what they’re talking about. Those came from a place of love, trying to spare us from making the same mistakes and taking the same things for granted that they did. But for whatever reason, we humans seem to be inherently stubborn, and we think we know better. We have to find out for ourselves what we’ve heard all along. And it hurts. It’s so painful. And some people never realize it until it’s too late.
I know pictures are also just things, but they are more than that: they are irreplaceable reminders of memories that might otherwise fade. I’m so, so thankful that my hubby seemingly was able to recover them. My heart breaks for people who have lost tangible pieces of their lives and memories in fires or by other natural disasters.
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes in fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:6&7
I feel like in reference to this passage, “a little while” could be considered most of our earthly lives, because compared to eternity, it is in fact just a little while. This is our refining time, and being refined is often hard and painful. But, we can still rejoice in our grieving because of who God is and what He’s done for us, and is still doing for us every day. We can walk through hardships giving praise and honor and glory to Christ, because He has already overcome everything that we are facing. And I’m not saying that this life is all terrible by any means, because it’s not. God gives us daily, minute to minute reminders of how much He loves us and cares for us in the people we love, the beautiful sky, the wonder of nature, and so much more. We just have to slow down to really appreciate them.
And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:14-18
If ever there were a specific passage for a specific time, this is perfect for right now. Of course, it applies every day, but this is such a timely reminder of how we are called to live as Christians. I feel like in a time when we are all so self-centered and only focused on our own comfort and happiness, we need this encouragement and nudge in the right direction. My heart has been so heavy lately seeing all the hate and selfishness in this world. I know the bible warns us how evil the world is, but I’m not sure I realized the extent of it until this year. Sure, I knew evil people existed and caused their share of problems, but I think I assumed the majority of people in the world were generally good. This year has sure taught me otherwise. This year has not only forced me to see the reality of the evil that runs rampant in the world, but it has also made me greatly reevaluate my own intention and focus. It has made me take another look at my role in not only my life, but society in general. That last line of the passage gets me. The things listed are God’s will for us, it comes right out and says it. So many times I’ve felt like I didn’t know what God wanted of me, but He spells it out very plainly here.
Admonish the idle: my bible also includes the words “disorderly” and “undisciplined.” If we’re honest, we’re all a little disorderly sometimes, and God knows I’ve got a lot of work to do in the discipline department. The word “admonish” means to warn, advise, or urge (someone) earnestly. To me, this is a great reminder that we are called to keep each other accountable when it comes to our Christian walk. We are called to (in love) point out when someone is missing the mark. Likewise, we are called to be humble, so that when we are admonished by our brothers and sisters, we can keep our heart open to God’s direction, address it with grace, and make changes if necessary.
Encourage the fainthearted + help the weak: to me, this goes along with the first thing. We’re all weak sometimes. We all struggle with some thing or another. We all go astray sometimes. That’s why it’s so important to build each other up, encourage each other, and together turn back to God. We can’t do life well and be who we are called to be without each other’s love and support. We’re made for each other, just as we are made for God. Following Him is a lot easier when we have help.
Be patient with them all: whew, this is something I’m working on myself. I’ve seen so many people that I love lately be inconsiderate and selfish, hurtful out of arrogance, and just plain mean and nasty. And I’ll be the first to admit that my reaction to seeing this is not patience out of love – more often than not, it’s impatience out of anger. I need to work on that whole “slow to anger” thing. It just really gets me going when I see people mistreating other people, whatever the reason may be. And that’s where another hard concept comes in: loving the sinner while hating their sin. That’s another huge thing for another day.
Seek to do good: I love that this says, “to one another and to everyone.” We are to strive to do good to everyone – and that doesn’t just include our family, friends, and church, nor is it limited to people we like or agree with. It’s everyone.
Rejoice always + give thanks in all circumstances: God is always good. Always. Even when we don’t feel it, even when it seems our world is crumbling around us, even when it seems there is no hope in humanity anymore. God is still good, and there is always something to be thankful for if we step back and really ponder on who God is and what He’s done for us.
Pray without ceasing: talking to God through everything helps us stay focused on our calling, alert of evil and temptations around us, and keeps us in the right frame of mind. When we pray, we are more likely to see things with a heavenly perspective.
I’m not sure if God could send us a clearer message about how to treat people. I am sure that Christians as a whole are not following these instructions. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, we’re human and we’re going to mess it up. But, we also have the Holy Spirit and [ideally] each other to help us along. We should be doing better. We have work to do. I know that sounds daunting and hard and uncomfortable. I know it’s easier to just worry about ourselves. I know sometimes it feels as if it’s us against the world. But guess what? God has already overcome the world. We don’t have to. He’s gone before us and made a way for us to live as He has called us to.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
I’ve been silent lately because life has been even scarier and crazier than just a pandemic. It’s harder than it’s ever been and than I ever wanted it to be. I still haven’t been brave enough to make myself put it out in the universe. Maybe I will soon. For now, here is a small devotion that I did the other day that I thought I needed to share.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20&21
In this season of my life, saying, “Your will be done,” is scary. Life is scary. Things that I didn’t think could happen are happening. So much is changing around me and my life almost doesn’t feel like my life anymore. But the promise in this verse gives me confidence to still say to God, “Your will be done.” Right now, what I’m going through is painful and I absolutely hate it. What the world is going through is very scary. But the wonderful thing through all of it is that God is abundantly more than we can ever imagine. He knows infinitely more than I do. He sees forever into our future and goes before us. He knows what’s best for me and can and will work all things for my good. He didn’t say he would take away the pain the world inflicts on us, but He did promise to see us through it. He promises to never leave us.
I get lost in “religious debate” about “God’s plan” and things like predestination. My head literally gets all fuzzy when I try to think about it. But, honestly, I don’t think we’re supposed to understand, and that’s hard. We’re taught from a young age to think critically and search for our answers. But sometimes the answer is that, as our pastor Jim often says, God is God and we are not. We have to trust that whatever happens, for whatever reason, He can and will use it for good – even if we never see the outcome in this life.
So, there’s that. Writing after such a long time feels so weird, yet normal at the same time. I sincerely pray that God uses me through this. I know that I’m supposed to use what I’ve been given to let people know that they are not alone.
Also, apparently, it’s been a year since I became coffeemamabogie… that’s crazy to me. I love you all so much, and I pray that whether you’re going through something hard, or this is actually the happiest time of your life, you are seeking God and His wisdom. I pray you are thanking Him for your blessings, whether they are currently hard to recognize, or obviously abundant. I pray that we all love on each other as much as we can, and that we recognize that life is not about ourselves. ❤
So, I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks. It’s not for a lack of words – I have oh so many – rather, I feel like they are nothing new. Everyone has words about what’s going on in the world right now, and I wasn’t sure mine were important or eloquent enough to share. I wrote the following several days ago, and obviously a lot has changed even since then.
(8) This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. (9) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:8&9
In this passage, God is speaking to Joshua, preparing him to take over where Moses left off and lead the people into the promised land. As it is with a lot of old testament stories, I think it’s important to use as an example still today. We have a serious pandemic going on in our world. After brushing it off as not that bad for a while, I’m just starting to understand the gravity of it all. Schools are closing, events are being cancelled [there’s no basketball!😕], and people are freaking out – store shelves are empty (we just went to grab a few things we needed tonight and the store had zero gallons of milk and no toilet paper in sight?) I saw where someone had posted verse 9 on Facebook in reference to all of this, and decided to look it up. Verse 8 ended up seeming equally as important. God isn’t telling Joshua to go out and evangelize to these people, they have seen their share of miracles and were slow to understand. (Sound like anyone we know today? I’m talking about all of us, here.) All He told him to do was to ponder God’s word in his heart and live it out. He also very plainly commands Joshua, not just tells him, to not be afraid as he carries out the plans God has for him.
This pandemic is one of those things that I don’t understand the purpose of, but I KNOW God can use it for good. This definitely feels like one of those times where, as Christians, our actions are going to speak abundantly louder than our words. Because of what’s going on, people are facing not only inconvenience, but straight up hardships, and some even the danger of death. Plus, the world hasn’t stopped turning. Things that afflicted and burdened people every other day are still there – with the added stress of trying to keep themselves and those around them healthy. Life is hard for everyone right now, for some much more than others. People who have never even thought about food insecurity are faced with shortages, and those who already struggle with it are struggling even more. God can use this situation to soften and refocus our hearts if we let Him. His ways are so much higher and greater than we could ever imagine, but I want to be ready and prepared to be used in His plan. I can’t do that if I’m consumed with fear or defeat.
The world doesn’t need our preaching right now so much as they need our compassion and our help. They need us to be the hands and feet of Jesus just like we are called to be. God can and will take care of their spiritual needs through our physical work. I love how I already see communities coming together – strangers sharing supplies because they can’t be found at a store, people offering to run errands for those who shouldn’t get out, school districts going above and beyond to make sure that students are still fed, supported, and loved, even though school is out. Good will come of this, and I totally want to be a part of it!
Some things that have come about from this or have been exacerbated by it that I just feel the need to comment on:
PLEASE refrain from sharing false information. It leads to confusion and chaos, and sometimes is downright dangerous. I’m not only
talking about virus-related info, but closings and other rumors that are easily verified by checking the appropriate website. Do a little digging before you hit “share” PLEASE. (Ex. Holding your breath is not a test for the virus, calling customer service on the baby formula can will not result in a free case of formula, and Amazon is still currently shipping out all kinds of items, not just medical supplies and necessities.)
Be considerate. Don’t be ridiculous. Hoarding 50 thousand rolls of toilet paper doesn’t do anything for you and it takes it away from those folks who might actually be out. Also, things don’t just magically appear on the store shelves all by themselves; someone, a person who, just like the rest of us, is trying not to get sick and keep their loved ones well, is delivering, unloading, and stocking the items you’re grumbling about not being there. These people are working hard. Be nice. Be considerate. At least be decent.
I cannot say this loud enough: just because you don’t feel sick or are healthy enough to think you would more than likely be fine if you got it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow the recommendations from experts and officials. Fine, you don’t have to worry about yourself. But please worry about those whose immune systems, for whatever reason, can’t fight for them. Worry about others. Can I say that again? The world doesn’t revolve around me, and it sure doesn’t revolve around you either. We need to take precautions for the good of EVERYONE.
I pray that our selfish world uses this time to take a step back, to ponder the importance and the worth of those around them. I pray that, as we are forced to slow down and spend time with those we love, we don’t take these moments for granted. Yes, it’s inconvenient. Yes, it’s different. But maybe, just maybe, humanity needed a little stir. Maybe we needed that reminder to appreciate the little things: the movie night, the family dinner, reading books with our children, and having real conversations with our spouses. Maybe we needed that push to care for others, that kick in the rear to be more thoughtful. Maybe, just maybe, this will change our perspective for years to come and shift our focus and concern to our whole community instead of just ourselves. Maybe.
Waiting at yet another doctor’s appointment… figured I could write. So, my baby girl’s birthday is coming up. She will be TWO and this mama is feeling like time has skipped ahead. I just realized that the day we are having her party was her original due date in 2018. She ended up coming a week and a day early, but the date is still in my mind.
Last year, for her first birthday, my husband’s sweet cousin kind of took over the party planning because I mentally checked out. I was super overwhelmed by all the Pinterest-perfect ideas and all the things you “must” have and do. My advice? Don’t do what I did. Don’t freak out. Getting together with friends and family who love your child is the important thing. And don’t go broke over a one year old’s birthday party – it’s not worth it.
I used things I already had and bought things I could use again.
I knew I didn’t want to spend a ton of money on a bunch of chintzy items that were single use. After all, my kid was just turning one. Yes, the world makes a huge deal about it, but the fact is she won’t remember. She will have pictures to see what it was like later, but the party was really for the adults. Because of that, and because I really can’t stand useless waste, we tried to buy things we could use again and use things we already had.
The floral fields pattern from Target. It also has gold dots incorporated into some of the pieces. These exact flowers are stickers that are over her bed.
Her room is decorated in light pink and mint with some gold, and so we went with that color scheme. Several things in her room are from the Floral Fields collection of the Cloud Island products at Target, so we used that as inspiration for her party. I ended up buying a paper “happy birthday” sign at Hobby Lobby with those colors. I saved this sign and plan on using it this year as well. I bought a couple little porcelain jars in the dollar spot at Target (I refuse to call it Bullseye’s Playground or whatever it is now…) to decorate with and hold pushpins for a cork board I got at Hobby Lobby (more on that in a minute.) We also bought at Hobby Lobby a picture frame that held twelve photos, one for each month of her first year. We paid a bit for it, but justified it by saying that we could reuse it again by changing the words on it and turning around the clips (see pics).
I made a few things more cheaply than I could have bought them.
As far as making things, I wanted everything to kind of flow, so I bought some gold paint. I couldn’t find a “1” that wasn’t an arm and a leg that I liked for her cupcake, so I bought a cheap wooden one and painted it. I got OBSESSED with that gold paint, and started painting EVERYTHING gold, haha. The corkboard that I mentioned earlier, I used a stencil and sponge and painted some gold dots on it. I LOVE how it turned out, and it’s hanging in her room right now. I also ended up painting the pushpins as well, because GOLD PAINT! At the party, we had some heart-shaped post-its and pens out for family and friends to write her a note.
Ignore the unflattering chin shot of my kid, but here is the one I painted in GOLD PAINT!
I adore this corkboard. It’s one of my favorite pieces in her room and it’s so simple. We mostly use it to display artwork.
All I had to paint with at the time was a partially dried out craft sponge, but it made a really neat effect on the pins.
I also framed a piece of wallpaper that came from her room before we renovated, and I painted the matte for it with that gold paint. [Backstory for those who don’t know, we live in what used to be my granny’s house where I spent many weekends as a child. The room baby girl is in now used to be “my room”, so it holds a lot of precious memories.] I used a dry erase marker and wrote on the glass, and used it as a sign to explain the corkboard. This also is still in her room – I use it to write different notes and sayings on it.
In all honesty, I hadn’t changed this in forever until I typed out this post. I went a little overboard with the chalk markers while changing it up… I forgot how fun they are!
I made a banner for her high chair out of a sheet of pink foam and glitter letter stickers from Hobby Lobby and some string we had at home. (I also added a touch of the gold paint!) I plan on reusing this for this year’s party as well – I have more letters and “two” is the same amount of letters, so it works!
I reused things I already had.
We reused balloons that spelled out her name from one of her baby showers (they are all still inflated, except for one letter – I really want to reuse these again this year as well!)
I spent money on the important things, got the other things as cheaply as I could, and even borrowed a few things.
Where I spent most of the money for my sweet girl’s birthday was on the cake. And actually, my wonderful momma had already sneaked and paid for the cake before we went to pick it up. We have an amazing little bakery on Main Street and I absolutely love the cakes from there. It may cost a little more than if we bought it at the grocery store, but their cakes are amazing, and I like to support local businesses when I can! I just ordered this year’s cake from there, and I’m sure it will be phenomenal.
So delicious and GORGEOUS ❤
We bought generic pink and white plates, napkins, and plastic tablecloths from Dollar Tree. We had her party in the sanctuary of our church, so we were able to use several serving trays and bowls from the church’s kitchen.
Super simple food spread. We only did sweets because it was after lunchtime.
I even used a gift as decor.
Hubby’s cousin that did a lot of the planning made a letter “E” out of artificial flowers for baby girl that we used to decorate with as well. It hangs in her room, and I plan on incorporating it into this year’s party too.
How crazy talented is hubby’s cousin?!
I really like the challenge of reusing items and repurposing decor from our house. It saves money, and there’s not as much useless junk that you don’t know what to do with laying around. I’ll do another post about this year’s party later!
Moral of the story: a first birthday is just that, a first birthday. Your kid won’t remember it. It’s nice to get loved ones together, but I got seriously bent out of shape over it for no reason. The world puts way too much pressure on us as mamas to have everything just so, and it’s really not necessary. I recall when I was ordering the cake for this first birthday, the lady asked what kind of smash cake I wanted. When I told her I wasn’t doing one, she looked a little taken aback. Why is this even a thing? No judgement whatsoever if you have done one or are doing one, but personally, that’s too much wasted cake! A cupcake was a much better size for my tiny one year old who had barely ever had sugar before, and the effect was pretty much the same, I feel. Also, why break the bank? Spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a huge, fancy party for a one year old is quite over the top if you think about it. I’m trying to keep it as cheap as possible, but still nice and put together. I feel like baby girl’s first party was nice, and I didn’t have to sell a kidney to pay for it. I’m aiming for that again this year – no kidney selling please!
coffeemamabogie 