Tag: contentment

Cheer.

Bear with me, guys. I’ve been working on this particular post all week when I have time, so parts of the post were written at different times.

It’s the day before Christmas eve and I’m sitting here doing something I never do – holding my daughter while she takes a nap. She will be two next month, and I’m pretty sure I can count on one hand how many times we’ve done this since she started sleeping in her own bed at around four months. I don’t know if she’s getting sick, if she’s just growing, or if it’s simply the chaos of Christmas, but this kid has been out of whack for a couple of weeks. She whines ALL THE TIME (and if you know me, you know I can’t stand whining), she’s been sleeping way longer than normal at night, waking up later than usual (I slept in until 8 AM last Saturday – I literally haven’t done that since she was born), and being extra cuddly (which is so unlike her). It could be that her sleeping schedule keeps getting messed up because of various outings, or because of all the different and not-so-great-for-you food we’ve been letting her eat (like the entire snickerdoodle cookie she ate last night.) Whatever it is, she’s out of sorts. So, here we are, sitting in the chair in her room, all cuddled up in a blanket. She is still sniffling in her sleep from crying even after at least 45 minutes of sitting here. I feel bad, because I tried so hard to comfort her and get her to sleep in her bed like she does every other day. I told her no when she said she wanted to “cuddle mama,” because it has become to her a kind of distraction from doing things she doesn’t want to do. But, after her screaming uncontrollably for a few minutes, I couldn’t take it. She was sobbing so hard she could barely breathe. And as much as I love cuddling this sweet girl while she sleeps, I don’t want this to become a thing. I don’t want her to learn to scream uncontrollably when something isn’t really wrong because she knows that eventually she’ll get her way. I don’t want her to think that she can’t fall asleep on her own anymore and undo all the work we did getting her to sleep as well as she does. Why is this so hard?

Cuddling my whiny baby.

Now, it’s 1:30 AM and I’m still laying here awake. I stayed up to finish wrapping presents and now I’m wired. Hubby has been complaining more than usual that he’s tired, and I can visibly see that he’s exhausted. He hasn’t slept well in years, and he’s finally got a sleep study consultation scheduled next month (after much nagging on my part.) But, I feel like his sleeping has gotten worse recently… kind of around the time baby girl’s started being noticeably out of whack. I don’t know what’s going on, but between all the busyness of the season and worrying about my people’s sleep, I’m not sleeping either. I keep hearing baby girl talk in her sleep or cry out, and, bless his heart, hubby’s snoring isn’t super conducive to either of us getting much sleep. We’re a family of zombies lately.

I write all this to say that even though sometimes we think people’s holiday season looks picture-perfect, it’s more than likely not really. If you look at the December album on my Facebook, it looks like we have it all together. In reality we’re all so tired, I have about fifty of the same picture on my phone from trying to get that one perfect shot, we’re doing the third load of dishes today and somehow the sink is still full, the laundry is piled high, I still have people to buy Christmas gifts for, I’m worried about us getting sick (there are SO MANY germs out there right now), and I’m trying to find the balance of handling all this and just living in and enjoying the moment. Those are usually the only parts anyone ever sees. But, if you’ve been struggling, you’re not alone. No one’s holiday season is actually perfect; we just have to choose to see our own chaos, whatever it looks like, as perfect to us.

My kid was SUPER over opening Christmas gifts.

I’ve been super guilty in the past of building up my expectations (especially holiday expectations) so high that they can’t possibly be met, and then getting so disappointed when my “plans” didn’t turn out. I think I did better this year. I’ve been trying to live more intentionally. I’ve been trying to enjoy each moment for what it is instead of what I think it should be. God has shown me a lot lately that my plans are not His plans, and that’s perfectly fine because His plan is better. He keeps reminding me, and I’ve been trying to do better about just going with the flow and appreciating the ride. Movie nights with hot chocolate and matching pajama photos are fine, but do you know what else is great? Reading the same book with my daughter over and over again because she wants “mama read again,” taking a different way home than you normally would so your daughter can see the giant blow up Santa on top of the government building downtown, late-night dinner and grocery store runs with your husband to get a few last-minute gifts, staying up late to make biscuit dough for a Christmas brunch with your family, and sitting in the quiet room with the Christmas tree all lit up.

The everyday, unplanned, and messy moments are the moments. They make up the majority of our whole lives. If we just keep waiting and wishing for those fleeting picture-perfect moments, we will end up disappointed. Our lives will pass us by without us even realizing it.

Making goodies with my girl. Glad her daddy caught this “picture-perfect” moment because it lasted about two seconds.

Balance.

I think I blame my blood pressure medicine (?), but I just have, like, zero will to write at the moment. I have no motherly wisdoms. I have no funny, relatable story to share. I’m just here, trying to soak up every minute of every day while also being productive. And every day I wind up disappointed because, once again, I couldn’t find the balance. For the last couple of weeks, this means that I’ve gotten so many hours in for work, but my kid is constantly in a mood from lack of enough attention (at least she thinks so, anyway), and my dishes and laundry are piled high. As I’m writing this out, I should be in the kitchen putting away the clean dishes and filling the dishwasher back up, but, I finally just clocked out of work like 20 minutes ago (it’s TEN THIRTY PM) and I really just wanted to lay down. I’m tired. And I feel like I say that a lot, but it’s the truth. I was getting so good about taking a walk every morning… I had even added some running into those walks and was just getting to the point where I didn’t feel like I was absolutely dying when I came inside. But, now, I’m pretty sure it’s been about a week since I did any sort of physical activity, and I’m feeling it. Starting all over again sounds awful. Being out of shape is awful. Ah, the conundrum of life.

Baby girl is going to be two NEXT MONTH, and this mama is having a hard time dealing. When I worked at the daycare, the one year olds were always my favorite – they could interact with you and do activities, but they didn’t sass back much yet. I hated when the kids in my class had to move up, but there were always more kids coming right behind them. A whole new set of kiddos that were the perfect age. The fact that reality is not that way… that my baby will be two, and there’s nothing I can do about it and there’s not another little baby waiting patiently behind her and I have to keep moving and growing with her and she WON’T STOP GETTING OLDER. I’m a mess. I can (just a little bit) understand why some people just keep having babies… mostly, I just want her to be a baby again. Like I said, I’m a mess.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this stage she’s in… except for when I don’t, haha. She’s so smart and understands so much. We haven’t actually seen Santa yet this year. She’s seen him portrayed on TV, and we’ve read The Night Before Christmas about a thousand times, and we’ve talked about who he is and what he does. This afternoon, I went to get her out of bed after her nap. She usually lays there and talks until I go in, so I didn’t think much of it when I went in there today and she was talking. She jerked around and smiled at me and said, “I was talking to Santa!” I laughed and asked her if she told Santa what she wanted for Christmas. She got so excited and said, “Santa’s awesome! He bringing me books!” So, I guess “Santa” needs to find some books to bring. This makes my heart happy. I love the fact that books make her so happy.

This same sweet kid also yells, “no” at me or, “I ‘note’ want to!” about fifty times a day now… so there’s that. I’m not feeling that part of this lovely stage at all. Asking her to turn her “listening ears” on, complete with pretending to turn knobs on our ears, before I ask her to do something is working wonders for getting her to listen at the moment, but I’m sure that won’t last too long. She’s so emotional about everything, but she can’t convey those emotions properly yet… it just comes out in flops and tears, sometimes the dramatic throwing of her body onto the nearest piece of furniture like she’s a Disney princess, or, my favorite one so far – she put her hand up to her head, fell back into my arms, and said, “I tan’t go on!” Good grief.

Baby girl sitting in her great grandmother’s rocking chair on one of our Thanksgiving stops.

Thanksgiving was good, but busy. We had three places to go and baby girl stayed up way past bedtime two nights in a row… yeah, not pretty. We are so very blessed that we both have so much family close by, but man does it make for busy holidays. When I was pregnant, hubby and I agreed that we would tell people that they could come to our house to see us on holidays, that we weren’t going to drag our kid all over creation. For one, our mid-renovation-for-two-years house just isn’t equipped to handle a bunch of people. For two, it’s just really not fair or feasible to ask everyone else to work around our one small family. So, we trudge from one house to the next, trying not to eat too much and save room for the next stop but failing miserably, and worrying that we’re not giving each stop enough time. As I said, all our family is local, so it’s just a drive across town from one stop to the next, but there’s only so much food and fun you can squeeze in before you have to move on. If we ever get our house together and we have Thanksgiving here, I might change my tune. I might prefer the trudging to having a house full of people. But, I don’t know… I’ll let you know if it ever happens. As far as traditions go, I feel like on both sides of our family, they have changed immensely over the last few years, mostly as grandparents have passed away. The only steady thing is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I have to watch it every year. I was so excited to share it with baby girl this year… she was not really having it. She kept begging us to go to her room with her and play. It was like we were torturing her making her watch TV. Poor baby. As I’ve said before, the house we live in was the only house I knew for my granny. This was her house. And this was where we came for holidays, family dinners, birthday parties, everything. It feels so weird for it to be empty on special occasions. That’s why I’m hoping someday, it can be that house again. As introverted as my husband and I both are, we’re also both family people, and having a house full of family just seems right. Now, if someone could win the lottery and share a little with us so we could finish our renovations, that would be great! All kidding aside, I love how life has come full circle and we call this house home.

Thanksgiving

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. This whole going to the doctor thing is for the birds. I have several bible devotions I want to share with you guys, but they all coincide with things that were happening in my life at the time. So, I think I’m going to do things a little differently this time and actually date these entries, just to keep things straight. I might also interject with some details for clarification.

Nov. 6

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

This is God speaking to the Israelites, but I feel like if we are His people too, it applies to us as well. Several years ago, I had to go get an ultrasound on a “lump” in my breast. I was really scared, and my best friend texted me this verse the morning I went. It was a comfort to hold onto. Yesterday, I went and got some blood work done, and today the results were posted on my chart online. It just says “abnormal blood chemistry.” I have no idea what that means. I made the mistake of googling it, and it could mean anything as minor as dehydration or as serious as bone cancer or a blood disease.

I’m trying so very hard not to freak out or fear the worst. In looking for this verse again, I was reading through some other passages in Isaiah, and was reminded how big God is and how small I am. Whatever is going on with me, it’s just a tiny puzzle piece in the grand scheme of things. He’s holding it, just like He’s holding every moment of every single person’s life. He’s in control and my worry is not needed.

I’m not quite to the point of having unexplainable peace about the situation just yet, I just found out 30 minutes ago. But, I am clinging to God’s promises, the fact that He holds me, and that His will is perfect.

Nov. 7

Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God… I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul.

Psalm 31:5&7

I was not okay yesterday. The unknown completely freaks me out. I was trying to cling to God’s goodness, and to trust in His plan – but I was struggling.

When the doctor’s office finally called, I was so appreciative of the woman on the phone. She explained what was going on [high cholesterol and high liver enzymes] very calmly and was reassuringly positive. She calmed me down immediately. But then what did I do? I took what she said and started to worry and speculate. I forgot to praise God for the comfort He sent.

Then, I called my mom to tell her what they said, and I had a very good conversation with her. I hung up feeling better. I forgot to praise God.

Last night, I went to worship team practice for the first time in FOREVER. Before we prayed to begin, I was talking to a couple of people about what was going on. Our piano player has a doctorate in nursing, and she assured me that the liver enzymes were related to the cholesterol. Our sound guy agreed, and said the same thing had happened to him. I felt SO much better about everything. Practice was awesome – we sang songs that I love, I worshipped. But, again, I forgot to thank God for the comfort He sent me in those people.

Only when I sat down to do a devotion today did I realize what God had done. I literally had just posted a quote last night from one of my previous blog posts about how God is good even when I make myself too busy to see it… talk about stepping on my own toes.

Nov. 20

Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; His understanding is beyond measure… sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; make melody to our God on the lyre!… but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His steadfast love.

Psalm 147:5, 7, 11

Thanksgiving is on my mind today; partly because the holiday is coming up next week, but also because I just have so much to be thankful for.

Hubby and I were talking last night, and I realized at some point during like a five minute span, he had said, “I’m sorry,” to me about a dozen times; it wasn’t because he had done anything wrong, but because I kept stating things that were wrong with me or kept complaining about this or that. I got so frustrated with myself that I was focusing so much on all the negative things in my life. Yes, I have aches and pains; yes, my health is questionable at the moment; no, I didn’t get everything done today that I had planned to; yes, I am an emotional wreck about my baby growing up; no, our house isn’t exactly how we want it; no, we dont have the money to do everything we want to do… I could go on forever. BUT, I should be able to go on forever about my blessings. Everybody has aches and pains as they age, and I should feel grateful that I’m able to grow older; I am convinced that my circumstances have brought me exactly where I’m supposed to be while I’m having these health issues- God’s got it; my to-do list isn’t as important as God’s; I have a sweet baby girl that I prayed and prayed for, and she is healthy and growing; we have somewhere comfortable to lay our heads and spend our time; we are abundantly blessed to have what we need and more. Even if we didn’t have all that, we have hope in His steadfast love and He takes pleasure in us. WHAT MORE DO WE NEED? Not a thing.

My prayer today, and every day forward, is that I keep my life in a heavenly perspective. I have NOTHING to complain about – and if I think I do, that’s just satan distracting from my blessings so that I’ll forget to praise God for them, and so I’ll forget to use them for His glory. [Funny story – Jim’s message at church this morning was called, “I have a complaint.” Some awesome people did a skit (which I only saw part of in rehearsal) and he preached a message of thanksgiving. I didn’t get to see it all because of a busy, family-filled day ahead that warranted me to leave early and put my toddler down for a nap, lest she be cranky for the rest of the day. But, I definitely need to go back and watch the video. I know it’s the season, but God so very often lays the same theme on both our hearts. I love how He reinforces His word to me through Jim ❤]

Nov. 21

I will extol you, my God and my king, and bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and His greatness is unreachable.

Psalm 145:1-3

Jim asked us to think about what would make someone praise God this way. He said, in his opinion, it is because they have needed God and He rescued them; they see God’s hand in their lives; they have “pass[ed] through the limitations of self and the world and stepped into the kingdom where God is God and they catch a glimpse of what He can do, while at the same time realizing there is so much more that they can’t even begin to comprehend.” Have I experienced God like this? OH, YES I HAVE. Many times. So why do I forget to praise Him every day for who He is and what He’s done?

I need to approach Him every day with thanksgiving, recognizing who He is and what He’s done for me.

So, there’s all the entries I wanted to share with you about this. Thursday afternoon I went back to the doctor. It was kind of a long visit, but I did go over my long list of concerns with her. As far as the liver enzymes go, she said that most likely I just have a fatty liver and need to change my diet. She said it could also be my gallbladder, which I’ve been having trouble with off and on for over 10 years… so I’m kind of hoping it’s that and we can take it out and move on. I go Tuesday for an ultrasound of my abdomen to see what’s going on. She also had me do more bloodwork for a food allergy test with the possibility of a more comprehensive one pending the results. She’s referring me to a dermatologist and a chiropractor as well. I feel a little ridiculous, but I’ve been neglecting (actively ignoring) my health for so long, it is nice to have a plan… even if it does make me feel like I’m 95 years old. I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to address all these issues.

Goodness.

You ever just keep seeing the same message over and over? For me, that message over the last week or so has been God’s goodness.

Even when life is crazy and I’m struggling to keep up, I can rest in God’s goodness. He is good to me, always, even when I have made myself too busy to see it. His love is sufficient. He has provided not only everything I need, but so much more.

I will feast the soul of the priests with abundance, and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness.

Jeremiah 31:14

Jim referenced a verse in Jeremiah the other day, and the whole passage and few chapters after caught my attention, and I thought I would read some more. These are God’s words to the people of Judah, who had not been living how God called them to, so He scattered them and punished them with famine and sickness, and allowed their enemies to overtake them. But even after all that, God still loved them and promised to gather and restore them.

I read a commentary on Jeremiah and it was talking about how this was a promise about Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Jesus set the example for us, and the Holy Spirit allows God’s will to dwell in us. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. I love how God lays the foundation of the New Testament in the Old Testament.

I had a couple of thoughts on this particular verse:

1) I think it is entirely reasonable to assume that God’s will for us is to be filled abundantly by Him as well, just as he promises. We can ask God to abundantly fill our souls with His joy, peace, life, and purpose so that we can share it with others as He calls us to do.

2) I want to be satisfied with His goodness. And again, that is His will for us, so if we pray for it, we better expect it. It doesn’t say that He satisfies us with His goodness, but that we are satisfied with His goodness. Our worldly satisfaction can never be met. The world will always tell us that we need more to be happy. But, being satisfied with God’s goodness means knowing that He is enough, that He is all we need and more. We don’t need anything else to be satisfied.

It’s so funny [wonderful] how God puts things in front of us that He wants us to see. The other day, my mom stayed with baby girl and I got to run a couple of errands by myself. [Who would have ever thought that’s something I would look forward to?! I used to HATE going places by myself.] I had downloaded some songs onto my phone that I liked and decided to listen to them while I was driving around. The Bethel song, “Goodness of God” came on, I turned it way up, and just belted. I’ve heard that song on the radio several times before, but having it cranked up in the car was different. I absolutely loved it. It spoke directly to me like it was written just for me. I told my husband later that night – I don’t care when, why, or where, but I NEED to sing that song. It was made for me. And, it has a guitar, so obviously he needs to play with me. It’s. My. Song.

Vacation.

Here are some thoughts from the last few days as we ended our vacation…

It’s our last full day at the beach. I always build up things in my head, then get disappointed when they don’t turn out exactly how I had imagined. I feel like I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m blessed. We’ve packed so much fun and even MORE FOOD into this trip, but I had to come to terms with the fact that there are things I had planned to do that we simply ran out of time to do. Baby girl has to nap (she’s been taking really good 2 hour ones) pretty much right in the middle of the day, so that kind of limits plans sometimes. Also, she and I have gotten up pretty much every day sometime between 6 and 6:30 AM. Her daddy has been getting up an hour or so after that, then her granny and papaw about an hour or so after that, then her auntie sleeps in pretty late. Between the nap and a fairly early bedtime for our girl, it’s hard to squeeze everything into the few hours where everyone is awake.

We have done so much, though. We’ve eaten, and eaten, and eaten some more. We’ve been to the aquarium, where baby girl loved the sharks and her auntie bought her a mermaid. We’ve shopped and browsed. We’ve found a playground. We’ve floated and played in the pool. We’ve looked for and found shells on the beach. We’ve played in the ocean. We’ve taken pictures. It’s been fun.

Today we came home, and the drive was less than stellar. The first half was really good, but by about 5.5 hours in, someone was trying every trick in the book to get us to stop the car and let her out. A couple times, she legit pooped and we had to stop and change her (she would kindly ask, “change biper” after she screamed bloody murder trying to get her poop out.) The third time, however, was a false alarm, and we quickly realized that she just wanted to stop and get out of her carseat. She cried for a couple of hours off and on, only being satisfied when I twisted my arm like a pretzel and held her hand from the front seat. I did that for a solid hour until she finally fell asleep, and my arm was completely numb. It was miserable. During the middle of all that, however, the sunset was gorgeous as we were driving through the mountains, and I couldn’t help but be thankful: thankful for time with family, thankful for safe travels, thankful for the beautiful sky in front of me, and even thankful for being able to twist my arm uncomfortably to comfort my daughter. I told hubby at that moment that even though I was miserable, there was no place I would rather be and nothing I’d rather be doing. Wherever they are, that’s where I want to be. I adore my little family so very much, and I don’t want to take a second with them for granted.

Can we also talk about how amazing it feels to come home after a trip? The same house that felt cluttered, disorganized, and just blah when we left feels so very comfortable and homey and exactly what I like. I think it’s the quintessential wicker furniture and tacky beach decor in every beach condo out there, but our gray walls and wood floors always seem much more inviting after living in a pastel paradise for a week. (No offense to anyone who likes that, it’s just not my thing.) It’s what I’ve made it, and I like it. Sure, it still needs work, but I see its potential.

I can’t help but think about how God sees us the same. Hear me out: the fresh eyes I saw my house with that made me appreciate it more, made me see the good in it and overlook the bad? That’s how God sees us all the time (okay, so this analogy is loose, I realize that He does see our sin, but He is still so willing to forgive us when we repent.) He knows the best version of us. He sees what He created us to be, and doesn’t lose His vision for us when we fall short. That’s where this analogy unravels… while I needed a step back from the everyday to remember why I loved it. God doesn’t. He loves us the same as He did yesterday, today, and as He will tomorrow. Isn’t that amazing? He sees our potential and doesn’t lose sight of His plans for us, for me, even when I stray. I’m so thankful for that, and for the gentle reminders He gives me to see my life that way as well so that I can once again align myself with His will.

Season.

It was pretty cool here Friday, like 70 degrees and cloudy. I’m. So. Happy. It has been so hot and dry here lately, I’m pretty sure we went three whole weeks without rain. When I went to write this blog post, I looked up the word, “pluviophile,” because I had read somewhere that it referred to someone who loves rain, and thought, “that’s me!” Much to my disappointment, that’s not a real, Webster’s recognized word. But, it still describes me. I legit start getting antsy when it hasn’t rained in a while, and almost a little depressed. So, the last little while had been adding some extra emotional stress to my days. It has finally rained and I am so much more calm than I have been. I’m certain most people are the opposite, and hate when it rains for days on end. So, either way, someone somewhere is miserable no matter what the weather is doing. That’s a happy thought.

Anyway, I was driving home from the store on Friday and got to thinking. I used the “cooler” weather as an excuse to wear my favorite shirt, which is long sleeved. Baby girl was babbling and singing in the backseat. We had just bought doughnuts. It was Friday. And the weather felt ah-mazing. I felt so full of happiness. I wondered why in the world it couldn’t feel like that all the time, I would be so much more comfortable and happy. God spoke to my heart very plainly and immediately – “you wouldn’t appreciate the cool as much without the hotter months.” Yep, true. No, I don’t necessarily ever get tired of the cooler (even cold) weather (I know, I’m weird), but there is something different about that first hint of crisp air after months and months of sweltering heat; it’s a happiness that just fills my entire soul. I can only imagine that people who love warm weather feel a similar happiness when spring makes an appearance after a cold winter.

That got me thinking – in our lives we go through different seasons as well. We have good, comfortable seasons. We have awful, miserable seasons where it feels like everything is hitting us at once. We have mundane seasons where we’re merely trudging through. We have all sorts of times in our lives that make us experience all sorts of things. Would we recognize the good without having gone through the bad? If we don’t experience hardships to some degree, would we take our good times for granted? I honestly think so. I don’t think we can truly recognize God’s light if we’ve never experienced darkness. God knows the balance, He knows exactly what we need to grow into the exact person He wants us to be. The hard part, for me anyway, is remembering to look for the blessing and/ or the lesson when I’m going through the valleys of life. It’s easy to get caught up in the “why me?!” of it all, that I miss the point. Only after, when the next blessing comes along, do I look back and say, “oh, I get it now.” Or, when times are good, I still dwell on negative, minuscule things that don’t matter, rather than enjoy what’s going on around me, and more importantly be grateful for it. The thing I need to work on is enjoying the present and being thankful for it – whatever it looks like and however miserable I may think it to be. If we’re only sitting around waiting for the good times to come along, we not only miss the present, but we also build up the thing we’re looking forward to so much, that it almost becomes disappointing when it finally happens. Does that make any sense? Maybe it’s just me.

As I was writing this, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 came to mind, especially verse 1:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the sun.

It may be cliché and remind me of a Byrds song, but it’s true. The thing we have to remember is that whatever is going on in our lives, God CAN and WILL use it for our good if we allow Him to. (Romans 8:28)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for all those who are called according to His purpose.

Do I believe that? Wholeheartedly, but I forget that I believe it sometimes. Plus, I think I’m guilty of applying this in my mind only to big things. But, even small, everyday things like the weather can be used as well. I just have to be open to see it.

Rollercoaster.

This week. This week has been a week. Last night, I contemplated on this week, trying to look back and see my blessings. Monday started like this:

I’m trying to decompress from this day, and I’m just not sure how to do it. Besides the two loads of dishes I ran in the dishwasher, I got absolutely nothing done. I’m completely exhausted. This kid of mine is going through something, and I pray to God it’s just a phase. I think she’s testing her free will, but I wish she would just stop. Every other thing I ask her to do is answered with, “no,” the last few days, and I’m not handling it well. This morning, me asking her to clean up her blocks turned into a huge fight, and I ended up screaming at my child. The worst part, to me, is that none of it phased her. Speaking sternly did nothing. Physically picking her up and putting her in front of the blocks was apparently hysterical. Me raising my voice was also funny. Me swatting her bottom was a game. I finally just screamed. I was so mean. She jumped and finally started crying. I immediately felt terrible and started sobbing as well. It was awful. I left the room for a minute to compose myself, and left her just standing there crying. When I came back, I was more sad than mad, and just scooped her up and hugged her. I tried to explain to her that it makes mama sad when she says, “no,” to me and doesn’t listen. We cuddled a bit, I was trying to defuse the situation. After I thought we had both calmed down, I tried again to get her to put the blocks away. She started doing everything but that again, and I did not want a repeat of what had just happened. I tried telling her that it was almost lunchtime; that didn’t really matter to her. I finally gave up and just let her roam around her room for a few minutes, stalling. It really was lunchtime now, and I was wondering how stubborn she was really going to be about it all. She finally looked at me and said, “eat?” I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes. So, she picked up all her blocks and put them away… it had to be her idea, not something I was telling her to do. Ugh.

Is it because she is a mini version of me and I know exactly what she’s thinking when she acts like this that I get so very angry? She’s pushing limits, resisting authority. I get it, I do it too, just most of the time it’s in a much more passive (sometimes passive-aggressive) way. I understand the desire to do the exact opposite of what someone tells me to do, simply because they told me to do it. I understand getting defensive when someone tries to tell me they know what’s best for me. But for goodness sakes, she’s ONE AND A HALF. Should she even feel like this yet? Or does she simply just not want to clean up her toys. Maybe I’m projecting.

We tried on this bathing suit for vacation Tuesday night, and she was very adamant about wearing it the rest of the night… I think she was perfecting her Fancy Nancy look with those socks.

Then yesterday, I was just anxious all day. Like heart racing, body trembling, feeling of dread, edge of a full-blown anxiety attack kind of anxious, and I don’t even know why. I told my hubby last night – usually when I get like that, I have an idea (even if it’s somewhat vague) of what is stressing me out; I usually kind of know what exactly has me feeling that way. Not yesterday. I was seemingly having a physiological response to nothing. I still don’t know what had me so upset.

Today was pretty good. We all slept in a few extra minutes, baby girl woke up in a very good mood and stayed that way all day, and I’ve just generally felt better. It’s really been a pretty good day.

We’ll see about Saturday. In baby girl’s babbling earlier, I clearly heard her say, “doughnut ‘morrow,” so we’ll see how thoroughly disappointed she is in the morning that there aren’t any doughnuts… I know I’m already pretty disappointed about it.

Even after this week, I’m so very thankful that the “mundane, everyday” stuff is all we have to worry about. Life could be, and has been before, much more complicated. Work hasn’t been very demanding this week, and I’m so very grateful for that. With that being said, I am still mentally exhausted. I need a vacation.

Toddler lesson.

My kid has a stuffy nose. Like, the kind where I have to catch the snot dripping from her nose every thirty seconds. The kind that when she says “mama,” it comes out “bah bah.” The kind that makes it hard to eat because she can’t breathe through her nose, so she has to take breathing breaks in the middle of her chewing, causing her to gag on her food and refuse to eat any more. She’s so miserable, but she’s still so positive.

She went with me to work for a while – sat on the desk, got a sticker from my planner, watched the cars go by out the window. She fell asleep on the way home, cuddling an elephant toy that’s probably way too young for her, but it’s her car toy and she loves it. She was a trooper as I dragged her around to do more work. She was pleasant and smiling as we had lunch with family, although she didn’t eat much. She took FOREVER to go to sleep at naptime, but she wasn’t fussing, just singing and talking. She took a good, long nap and then woke up singing and talking some more. She then proceeded to play with her (my) bracelets for almost TWO hours. We laid in the bed while she played with them for a while and sang and talked. Then her granny came over and she played with the bracelets with her. She cleaned up when I asked her to. She quickly ate a very good dinner after her small lunch and not having any afternoon snack. She let me brush her teeth. She freaked out about getting saline drops in her nose, but really liked the vapor rub. She took forever to go to sleep again, but slept all night with minimal fussing.

That was yesterday. Today was… still okay, but we had a couple of battles of will. Today, she thought it was funny to tell mama, “no,” and run away after I asked her to clean up her books. Today, she said she didn’t want chips and salsa and rice (some of her favorites, and mine too to be honest!), but wanted to stay home (we went anyway, by the way, and she ate just fine). Today she said she wasn’t going to listen to me tomorrow, but wanted daddy to get her doughnuts. How old is my child?! Sometimes even I forget that she’s only just over 18 months old. Sometimes I forget that she’s not like, at least 3. Good grief. The conversations we have are ridiculous. The things she remembers after months are ridiculous. I’m seriously doomed. I’m pretty sure she’s already smarter than I am.

Despite her difficult-ness today, she was still pretty good. She was still obsessed with playing nicely with her bracelets. She still kept a pretty good humor as I dragged her back to the office for an unexpected work errand, enduring standstill interstate traffic and a car that was still hot even with the air blasting. She did ask me to sing “mermaid” all the way there and all the way back, and got really upset when I would stop to, you know, breathe and stuff. I kept trying to remind myself all day that she still doesn’t feel very good.

Sweet girl with all her “brabets”.

All that being said, I would not be even half as cheerful as she has been if I had a stuffy nose. In fact, I wasn’t. I was sick for two weeks straight last month and I’m pretty sure I was the biggest grump ever. How can I be more positive like my baby girl? How can I so easily look past the fact that I feel miserable and still see things around me to make me happy? I need a lesson from my one year old.

Rubbish.

Something I wrote in April that spoke to me again when I read it the other night:

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ…

Philippians 3:7&8

Jim reminded us that if anyone was on the fast track to “making it”, it was Paul. He had the right social standing, he appeared to be righteous under the law, he was going places according to the world’s standards. Jim also pointed out that Paul never names anything specific that he gave up in this passage, as if it didn’t matter anyway. [Link to devotion] Jim challenged us to think about what we hold “most dear” and where we find our identity.

When I first thought about this, I honestly got a little defensive. A lot of my identity is being a wife and a mother. But, I know God has called me to these things, so why would I have to give them up? They are important to me. I was also thinking that my birthright and social standing couldn’t compare to Paul’s, but then a thought occured to me: I was born in a country that was built on freedom, I have food on my table and a roof over my head, I have money to do and buy the things I need and want. How much of my identity is in all of these things? Much more than I care to admit. What if God called me to give it all up? Would I still praise God if I were on the street, hungry, and being persecuted for my beliefs?

I think one important thing, probably the most important, is perspective. When we truly see Jesus for who He is, literally nothing else can compare. He is so big that our titles, our money, our lives seem so small in comparison. We realize that following Him should be our whole identity. In His power and presence, the biggest problems don’t even seem like minor setbacks. In a heavenly, divine perspective, worldly things seem minute. It’s all rubbish.

So, I’m not saying that my roles as wife and mother aren’t important, but they are just that, roles that God gave me to fulfill His purpose. My identity should be found in Him.

I’ve been thrown into working on the whole perspective thing… our family has been dealing with an issue the last few days. It’s not life-threatening, but definitely potentially life-changing. I was driving yesterday, and remembered a thought I had several months ago. Life was so good and my heart was so full. I remember thinking that I needed to praise God for these good times, because there are inevitably bad times too. I was trying to hold onto that feeling of joy so that I could remember it the next time joy and praise didn’t come so easily. Well, that time is now. One of those inevitable bad times is now. And I’m trying to cling so very tightly to God’s goodness and promises.

We got some good news today, but it’s still a waiting game. I fully believe that God heard the prayers of everybody who prayed for us over the last few days – and it was a lot of people. I know He will continue to be with us as we go through the next few weeks (and forever), but I already have such peace about this situation. I already have assurance that God answered the cry of His people, and He will continue to bless us immensely through this ordeal. I KNOW that He can use this for our good. I just pray that we don’t get so distracted by our circumstances that we forget to look for the blessings and the lesson. I pray that we can use this to help someone else some day. I pray that we can continue to cling to our faith in God’s unending goodness, because it is abundantly present in our lives.

Muffins.

I have a love-hate relationship with baking. Actually, no, I don’t – I love baking. What I hate is baking in my kitchen. With each move, our stuff has become increasingly more disorganized. Example: there are measuring cups in the drawer by the kitchen door… there are also measuring cups in the cabinet by the sink. Half of the stuff we don’t use every day is STILL packed up, like a year and a half after we moved here. We have a plan to renovate the kitchen, dining room, and den, so I keep telling myself there’s no point in putting everything away just to move it again soon. But, ugh, I get so frustrated. You couldn’t tell by looking at my house right now, but I really do get joy out of having a neat, tidy, clean house. Something about having everything in its place makes me feel more put together in other aspects of my life. But… for whatever reason (or excuse) I just haven’t made any of those things a priority the last few years. It’s circular, and I’m not sure what started first, but having a messy house makes me feel like a mess, which makes me not want to do anything, which makes everything more of a mess. I get so mad at myself when I finally walk by the table and put a piece of mail where it goes or put the dirty bib that’s been sitting on the chair for days in the laundry. It takes like two seconds, and the amount of relief I feel is tremendous. My husband and I both note all the time how much better and less stressed we feel when we simply clean off the coffee table. Our power went out briefly like three weeks ago, and the clock on my bedside table has been flashing ever since. What is wrong with me?

Back to my point… (because nothing is ever just what it is with me. A muffin is not just a muffin, there’s a big huge emotional ordeal that comes with it.) I had been putting off making these muffins for a week. I had the strawberries, and they were starting to get a little old. I HAD to use them or throw them away. I begrudgingly dragged myself in the kitchen, trying to remind myself how much I would enjoy the finished product and how I wanted to make these for myself and my family. As I was mixing everything, I felt exasperated at how long it was taking me because everything was all over the place. But, as I put them in the oven, I felt calm. I remembered that I really do enjoy baking. I enjoy putting just the right ingredients together to make something delicious, and I find the mixing and stirring relaxing. I like feeling as if I have accomplished something. I like the simplicity of the work and resulting outcome. I like preparing food for my family. I also find the end product pretty tasty 🙂

I get so frustrated with myself about things like this. Why can’t I remember my blessings? I have a wonderful home that has a kitchen in it. I have a kitchen with a full (albeit unorganized) pantry. I have legs that can carry me into my kitchen, and hands that can pull bowls and ingredients from the shelves. I have breath in my lungs. I have everything I need and so, so much more, and I complain. I complain that my house doesn’t look like a picture from a magazine. I complain that my body is tired from working to provide for my family and from taking care of baby girl. I complain because I’d rather sit on my butt and not have muffins than to get up and do the little bit of work it takes to make them. God has given me infinitely more than I deserve, and I complain.

I pray that He opens my eyes to see each and every aspect of my life, no matter how big or small, as the blessing it is.