Tag: fall

Seasonal.

It’s that time of year again when I have to preach to myself about expectation, disappointment, and contentment. I love the holidays. I love the family time, the food, the decorations, and all the accompanying activities. It’s so stinking easy to get wrapped up in wanting to do all the things. It happens to me every year. And every year I learn yet again that time is what you make it and it’s all about perspective.

That awkward, in-between two great seasons look where dead mums and sparkly lights coexist.

October is one of my favorite months. It was over so quickly. I was getting all depressed the other day thinking about all the fall seasonal things I wanted to do and didn’t get to – go apple picking, go to different pumpkin patches, carve a pumpkin… the list goes on. But then I got to thinking about all the things we did get to do: went to our local pumpkin patch three times, took pictures in the sunflowers, picked out pumpkins, went to a trunk or treat at our church, went trick or treating in our neighborhood – just to name a few. We did so much, and we did it together. You all, it really is all about perspective. You can choose to focus on the things you didn’t do, don’t have, etc., or you can look at what you did do and do have and realize that you’re so incredibly blessed.

It feels like November has flown by. For most of the month, my daughter and I have been sick on and off, and I’ve had more migraines in the last couple of months than I ever remember having all together like this. That’s probably part of the reason I feel like I’ve missed it. I’m trying to enjoy every day, but the days are running together quickly. This is the time of year I wait for all year, and I feel like it’s passing me by. This is truly a test of living in the moment, and I don’t want to fail.

On Thanksgiving, like so many others, we watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I love the tradition and dependability of it- that every year, no matter what’s going on in my life, I can count on the parade to bring me some superficial joy as it signals the beginning of the holiday season. I think my favorite part is seeing the Rockettes, and I told my husband I think it’s because the show seems like a remnant of an earlier time. My husband and I were excitedly anticipating the parade, and I had been trying to talk it up to our three year old. The last couple of years, she has had zero interest in watching it and would get mad that we wanted to watch it. We were talking about it and I told her that she could see Santa at the end. She watched it with us, but about every five minutes asked if it was over yet. After she finally saw Santa, she looked at me and said, “I liked seeing Santa, but I didn’t like the parade.” I said, “Oh, well, it seemed like you liked the dancing.” She said, “I did!” Then I said, “Didn’t you like the floats?” “Oh, I loved seeing the floats!” she said. I explained that all those things made up the parade. She asked, “So does that mean I liked the parade?” “Yes, if you liked all the things about the parade, then that means you liked the parade.” “I didn’t like the parade,” she concluded.

The logic of our three year old didn’t seem too logical, but then I started thinking about how often times we think we are unhappy with our lives; we don’t see that our blessings make up our lives. We basically say, “God, I like that you love me and made me, but I don’t like the life you gave me.” I can almost hear him saying, “Don’t you like the people I gave you to love?” “Well, yes, of course. I love my friends and family!” “And it seems like you like the food I gave you to eat and the mountains, the ocean, the rivers,  and the changing seasons.” “Oh, yes,” we would say, “I’m so grateful for those things.” “Well, those things are your life.” I’m not trying to downplay that fact that there are parts of our lives that aren’t pleasant. We all experience heartache. But, it’s our focus that’s everything. During the parade, there were A LOT of commercials and I was kind of annoyed by how many there were, and how often. But, I didn’t dislike the parade itself just because I thought there were too many commercial interruptions. In the same way (this is a loose analogy, go with me here, haha), we have hard times, annoying times, unexpected times, but they aren’t who we are. They are just interruptions in the bigger picture. We are blessed, whether we choose to see it or not.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.” -Psalm 139:17&18

We awake, and God is still with us, every single day. Whether we’re driving around looking at Christmas lights and baking cookies, or just sitting on the couch and cuddling in our jammies, God is there. His love, mercy, grace, and blessings follow us wherever we go. He is good always, and nothing in this world can change that. Nothing. Happy holiday season, y’all. I pray that we all look beyond the stuff and all the things we think we have to do, and just bask in the vastness of God’s love.

Anxious.

You guys, I haven’t been okay lately. Last weekend in particular was straight up awful. My anxiety has been through the roof. I’m feeling a lot better now, but I still keep having feelings popping up that I have to squash quickly, otherwise, I’m feeling like I could quickly fall into that hole again. I haven’t felt anxiety like this in a LONG TIME. It’s so funny, because I had literally just written about the verse in Matthew that starts “do not be anxious…” on Thursday, and by Saturday I was a mess. The context of that verse was a bit different, but it was still that word, anxious. This past Wednesday I wrote this:

Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God, He will come and save you.”

Isaiah 35:4

This past weekend was terrible. Friday afternoon, the husband went with me to get an EKG. The whole thing only took about thirty minutes, and the nurse said that she didn’t see any irregularities (which was why I was sent there in the first place), just some palpitations (which I’ve been able to feel for years.) We went to eat afterwards, and the waitress recognized us from our high school. I felt really bad, because she didn’t look familiar to me at all. I also had a conversation in the bathroom with a lady about allergies. Friday night, as I thought about the day, I was thankful for the extra time I got to spend with my husband. I was even a little proud of myself for not freaking out too badly over my test, and even for the social interactions I had (I know that sounds a little ridiculous, but social interaction STRESSES ME OUT. Especially with people I don’t know.)

Saturday, baby girl woke up earlier than usual. I COULD NOT seem to wake up. I was so frustrated with the fact that it was so early, and I was frustrated with her whining. We walked into the kitchen and there were dishes all over the counter. I lost it; I started crying. Later that morning, we were at Lowe’s and after a series of ridiculously minuscule stressors I started crying again. The rest of the day I felt awful – stupid, useless, and unimportant.

I had hoped that Sunday would be better, but those feelings crept up again after church. Both Saturday and Sunday, I just sat on the couch for hours, feeling lost. To top it all off, I left my bible at church.

Monday, I felt terrible physically, then my head started hurting and continually got worse throughout the day. My gynecologist called and didn’t like my labs – my cholesterol was high, and my blood pressure had been high the day I went too. I was stressed about that. I ended up getting so very sick that night. It was the worst migraine I have had in a while. The husband offered to go get me ginger ale while I was sobbing in the bathroom floor, but I told him no. Later I admitted that I was terrified that he was going to get in a car wreck and die because he was running out for me, and that’s why I told him no. Yeah.. I told you, I was in a bad place.

Yesterday was MUCH better, but that anxious/depressive episode I had scared me. I haven’t felt that down in a long time. So, I finally have my bible back and I’m glad I found this verse. I forgot for a few days that I was worthy of rescuing.

I also wrote a detailed account of how I was feeling on Saturday, and I feel it’s important for you all to see that too – it’s just a small glimpse of what was going through my head. I often get stressed about little things, but I keep my anxiety in check most of the time. It doesn’t usually cripple me to the point where I literally just sit there not knowing how to process what I’m feeling.

Today was awful. I woke up around 5 AM, looked at the clock, and went back to sleep thinking that I had about 1.5 to 2 hours more to sleep. Baby girl fell asleep late last night, so I figured she would sleep in… I don’t know why, she never does. Just after 6 I heard her whining a bit, then she started crying. Last night, I had seriously contemplated waking up the husband this morning so I could sleep in, but when I heard her so early, I decided not to. She switched from crying for her daddy to mama, so I finally got up and went in there. She was trying to get out of the bed, so I picked her up and tried to cuddle her. She said she needed a diaper, so I changed it. The whole time she was on the changing table, she repeated, “eat,” over and over. I was so sleepy and couldn’t seem to wake up. After her diaper change, I took her and sat in the chair in her room. She had a small meltdown, and just kept saying, “up,” over and over and over again. I started whining like a child, telling her I just wanted to sit… not my proudest moment. She stopped fussing for a second, examined my face and then kind of tapped my chin, and said, “you need coffee.” If I hadn’t been so tired and if that hadn’t been such an incredibly true statement, I probably would have busted out laughing. Yes, yes I did need coffee. She went back to fussing, then finally added a desperate “please” onto one of her “up”s. I got up and carried her down the hallway (she has to be carried in the mornings, it’s just one of those things we do.) We walked into the kitchen, she’s saying “eat” on repeat again, and I look around and there is not a single spot of counter space open- there are literally dishes everywhere because we didn’t do the dishes last night. I lost it, I cried. Baby girl agreed to eggs for breakfast, with the promise of a doughnut after she finished them. I made her some, and while she was eating, I worked on the dishes that were causing me such anxiety. I was emptying the dishwasher and went to put one of my favorite mugs on the drying rack. I dropped it in the sink, it made an awful racket, and the handle broke off. I was trying so very hard to stay calm, but I was pretty upset.

Fast forward to later this morning, we were at Lowe’s. We got there at baby girl’s normal lunchtime, so I was a little stressed out over that. But, she was amazed at all the Halloween and Christmas decorations, we looked at countertops and kitchen cabinets, I thought I was fine. At one point she got in trouble for not holding my hand while walking through the store, and had to sit in the buggy. I diffused that situation with a squeeze pouch I found in my purse. We actually went to Lowe’s so the husband could buy some trim for baby girl’s room. There were no big carts in sight, and he went off to find one. All the sudden, I felt so alone. I was holding baby girl, who kept asking to go, “that way.” I finally let her walk around a bit, hoping it would tire her out because it was quickly creeping up on her nap time. The husband had to walk back out into the parking lot to find a cart, so he was taking forever. Our buggy didn’t have anything in it, and we walked down the aisle away from it. A man carrying several items passed us, browsed the same aisle for a minute, then slung all of his stuff into our empty buggy and kept looking. For some ridiculous reason, that upset me. It was our buggy, even though we didn’t need it. When the husband came back and started loading the wood for the trim, he asked if I still liked it (it has been a while since we decided on a look we liked.) I said that now that I was looking at it, I was a little worried that it might be too tall. He joked about it being a little late to change things, since he had already done the door casings. I felt so stupid for some reason, and started crying again.

When we got home, we put baby girl to bed, and I just sat on the couch. The husband played a game on the computer, and I just sat there. I finally turned on Fixer Upper, but I wasn’t really watching it. Not even that could cheer me up. I just had these awful feelings of uselessness, self-loathing, emptiness. I felt completely lost. Baby girl slept for over two and half hours and I just sat there the whole time. When she got up, we went outside to play, her daddy was working on the trim, and her granny came to visit. All that improved my mood quite a bit. The husband had brought in the totes with the fall clothes in them, and mom entertained baby girl while I worked on that some. I felt productive and a little better.

I don’t know where this sadness has come from – seemingly nowhere. I’m not quite sure really what I’m even sad about, but this is anxious depression like I’ve never felt. I’m quadruple guessing my every decision, I regret every word that comes out of my mouth, and I feel physically awful. This can go away now please.

I feel really exposed putting all that out there, but if it can help one person feel that they aren’t alone, then it’s so worth it. It has taken me over a week to gather all these words and articulate what I’ve been feeling, and I feel like I still haven’t hit it on the head. And, honestly, I’m really REALLY bad at articulating myself. I haven’t even told my husband all this yet, because the words in my head are all jumbled and don’t make any sense. If I had tried to explain it, I can guarentee you that I would have left feeling dumb again. I’ll let him read this first, before you all, haha.

I realized after I wrote all this out, that this was just one more thing in my life that I had a choice about. I could let my feelings overtake me and just get lost in my awful thoughts, or I could cling to God’s promise that He will rescue me and praise Him in the midst of it. I could feel sorry for myself, or I can use it to help others. I choose to do the latter.

Summer? Fall?

I’m having some serious cognitive dissonance over here. It’s September, and in my cold-weather-loving mind, it’s (un)officially fall and I’m ready to break out all the fake leaves and pumpkins, amazing-smelling pumpkin candles, and my sweaters. However, it was 90 degrees here today and we’re going on a beach vacation soon. I can’t quite get my mind straight. [Over] half of me wants to just take off running toward pumpkin spice everything and never look back, but the other part of me is trying on bathing suits and packing a beach bag. I’m so lost and confused. As I’ve said before, I am not a summer girl. I’m so, so ready to say goodbye to it. But then, a beach vacation in the fall is just not seasonal. Ugh. I guess I have to hold off on pretending that fall is here until we get back. And, seriously, pretending is all I’m doing, because as I said, it was 90 here today. The weather I’m dreaming of won’t actually be here for at least another month, more realistically two.

[I’m going to show how incredibly weird I am, but does anyone else have a mental seasonal calendar in their head? Mine’s like a square. Fall (September, October, and November) is at the bottom, then Winter is on the right side (December, January, February), and so on, continuing counterclockwise, three months at a time. HOW STRANGE AM I?? Like, I literally picture this in my head every time I think about months or seasons. Maybe I’ll illustrate it one day so everyone else can have a glimpse of how weird I am.]

Picture from last year’s vacation. This hat was too big last year, now it doesn’t fit her head at all. So many changes.

I am, however, excited to go on vacation with baby girl. The beach is not my ideal vacation spot, but I will love watching her experience everything. We went last year, when she was about 7.5 months old. She loved it, but there was a hurricane and we got evacuated after only being there like a day and a half. Pray that there won’t be any hurricanes this year! Baby girl is so smart and expressive, and loves exploring and learning. I think this will be so much fun. And I’m excited for all the amazing pictures we’ll get (bahaha, probably not.) Also pray for this momma and her husband as we travel with a toddler, stay in strange places with a toddler, and royally mess up our routine-loving toddler’s schedule. Yikes. That part is making me more than a little nervous. But, I’m so very thankful and grateful to be able to get away for a while. This summer has not been very kind to my whole family, and I think we all need a change of pace.