Tag: forgiveness

Daily.

I wrote these two entries a week and a day apart: last Friday and today.

And He said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.”

Luke 9:23 & 24

I’ve read this a million times, but the other night as I was cuddling baby girl at bedtime, this verse came to mind because of that word “daily.” I haven’t been doing anything daily when it comes to God, except praying with baby girl every night before bed. I haven’t been talking to God and I haven’t been going to Him for strength. I haven’t been filling my heart with His word. I haven’t been heaven-focused. In fact, I’ve been actively avoiding God, and seriously neglecting my spiritual health.

There’s a lot of hurt surrounding our world, our country, my community, and specifically my family at the moment. I’ve mentally curled up in a ball and checked out instead of turning to the One who can heal all wounds.

I’ve always known that living for God is not the easy way to live, but lately I’ve learned just how hard it can be. I’ve learned that satan will try anything and everything to steal your joy, and I’ve let him. But I WILL NOT let it keep me away from my God forever. I am recommitting myself to the Lord. RIGHT NOW. I will turn to Him daily for strength, courage, and peace.

Therefore say to them, “Thus declares the Lord of hosts: Return to me, says the Lord of hosts, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts.”

Zechariah 1:3

You all, I’m struggling. I’m grasping, I’m barely clinging to hope, to joy, to peace. I opened my journal, saw the words I had written over a week ago, and immediately felt ashamed. My “recommitment” to God lasted all of an hour or so, and then I promptly allowed Satan to distract me again. I haven’t opened God’s word in over a week. Still, as the feeling of guilt and shame washed over me, a small voice spoke forgiveness and grace. I said a half-hearted prayer for encouragement and opened my bible looking for hope. The passage that includes this verse was the first thing I saw ♡♡♡

I am so humbled and thankful that the “Lord of hosts,” the Creator of all, who is higher and stronger and more powerful than I can ever imagine, still promises to turn back to me after I’ve repeatedly turned my back on Him. The love and grace He shows me is unfathomable. The forgiveness He gives me over and over and over yet again can only be described as divine, because it makes absolutely no sense through a worldly lense. I don’t deserve it for a second. One of my favorite songs right now is a new one by Needtobreathe called Who Am I. Oh, my goodness, the lyrics:

While I’m on this road you take my hand

Somehow you really love who I really am

I push you away, still you won’t let go

You grow your roses on my barren soul

Who am I… to be loved by you.

Seriously, the whole song is just fantastic, but these particular lyrics get me every time. WHO AM I? I’m nobody. I’m flawed, I’m selfish, and I’m prone to making the same mistakes over and over again. I’m a mess, but He loves me anyway. He sent His son to earth not only to die for me (which is complete madness), but also to understand what it’s like to be human. Jesus knew physical hunger and thirst, he experienced emotions like fondness and sadness and even anger. He had family and friends. Anything we go through, He’s been there and conquered that and understands exactly how we feel. How amazing is that?

Iniquity.

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of the word “iniquity” is a “gross injustice, a wicked act or thing, sin.” As I researched, some of the more “Christian-based” definitions went as far as saying that it was a deliberate choice to go against God and his laws.

When iniquities prevail against me, you atone for our transgressions.

Psalm 65:3

I have an abundance of iniquities – more lately than my usual amount, which is more than plenty. I’ve been unfocused and easily distracted, avoiding my Bible and prayer time all together, cranky, selfish, and lazy – just to name a few. I have not been in a good place emotionally or spiritually. I just haven’t.

It is so comforting for me to know that the God who made gorgeous mountains and roaring seas also made me. Not only that, but knowing I was going to be the way I am right now, knowing the sin in my heart, He also still forgave me; He still made a way for me to be saved. He has already atoned for my transgressions. The other amazing part, to me, is that long before Jesus physically came to Earth to be hung on a cross, David already knew the forgiveness of God; he already knew that God saves His children because He loves us so much.

I’ve been letting my “iniquities prevail” lately. Life is hard, and instead of hitting the floor with my knees and handing it over to God, I’ve been putting my head down, glazing over, and just floating through each moment to get it over with. This is a hard time in my life, the hardest I’ve faced yet, but it is still part of my life. I can’t just close myself off and wait until the storm passes; I might be waiting for years. And I can’t get those years back, I can’t do them over. They will be wasted. Yeah, life really sucks, it’s hard, and satan seems to have a new surprise around every corner. Everyone goes through hard times. What we do with it is what makes us ourselves. Do we let our iniquities keep prevailing, or do we start living like we know a God who has already atoned for our transgressions because He loves us so much?

That second thing? That’s living abundantly, and it’s exactly what God wants for us.

False feelings.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

Without realizing it, I wrote about this verse twice in a month period and only realized it several days after I wrote the second one. When God puts something in front of you, sometimes it’s really obvious.

Jim said something in his devotion that really struck a chord with me: “we are attacked by guilt, shame, judgement from others, and temptations all day long and rather than see the price paid [by Jesus] we see new charges.” When my focus is on my sin, that’s all I’m going to see. When my focus is on Jesus, I will see the victory over my sin that I have in Him. For some reason I get stuck in a frame of mind where I believe that my past sins are forgiven, but these new ones I have to work out on my own. But Jesus died for ALL of our sins – past, present, future. Just because I’m found in Him doesn’t mean I won’t sin anymore, it just means that He has already forgiven that sin. I just have to accept it.

This concept is very hard for me to wrap my head around most of the time. Jesus tells me that I’m holy and righteous, but satan keeps pointing out my sin and shame and I don’t feel very holy or righteous. I think what I need to do is claim it anyway. My feelings don’t even begin to compare to God’s truth. My emotions are human and can’t be trusted. What can be trusted? Jesus’ word and love for me.

I seriously need this reminder every day.

This was a supporting verse in Jim’s devotion today, but it hit home. He was talking about how all God asks us to do is keep His commandments – it sounds easy, but we’re sinners and we mess it up. Jim said something that pierced my heart: “Let’s focus on the pursuit [of God] and not the failures.” God convicts me all the time. He shows me things I could do better or things that I’m not doing that He’s directly calling me to do. He allows me to feel convicted to remind me that I need Him. But, I have a tendency to recognize my sin, ask God for forgiveness, and then hold it over my own head for forever, beating myself up along the way. I’m keeping my focus on the failures instead of the pursuit.

I often say that I don’t feel forgiven, redeemed, righteous, or any of the wonderful things God says I am. The thing is, it’s not because of anything God has done – His promises remain true, always. My feelings are just that – feelings. They are from my human heart and mind – places that satan just loves to creep into. I let him whisper reminders of my failures, and I listen, using them as an excuse to say, “Why bother?” I use them as proof that I’ll never live up, so I don’t even try. I CHOOSE to focus on my failures. Why do I do that?!

I think I would “feel” more forgiven if I cut myself some slack. I have to remember that everyone screws up because we’re all human. That’s exactly why we need Jesus… God knew we would mess it up. But the beautiful part is that He loves us anyway; He offers forgiveness anyway. I have to cling to who God says I am and not what I feel.

So, yeah. God has really been showing me that I can’t trust my feelings, as evidenced by that horrible anxious/ depressive episode I had a few weeks back. My mind is a dangerous place, because it’s only full of what I put in there. I want to be so full of God’s word and promises that there’s no room for doubt or temptation or shame. I want my heart to be so full of His love for me that I can’t help but feel joy ALL THE TIME. I’m so much closer to this than I was even a few years ago, but man, I’ve still got some work to do. Satan still gets wedged in there sometimes, and I willingly move some things around to give him some room.