Tag: letting go

Tithe

Last week was a crazy week. This week has been much more calm, and I’ve had some time to process. So, it all started two weekends ago, actually, when a car that we normally couldn’t afford showed up at my husband’s work (he works in the automotive industry) in exactly our price range. We had been discussing needing a new one in the near future – ours has the possibility of some transmission issues and our extended warranty has expired. We’ve always had issues with the air conditioning not being cool enough, and there’s no rear A/C, so it takes baby girl forever to cool down in the backseat in the summer. Plus, the paint looks awful (and I know that doesn’t affect how well the car drives, but it literally looks like I drove through an acid hail storm.) I did not think, however, we would be thinking about purchasing another one so soon. Anyway, this car turns up and it checks all the boxes on my “must-have” list for a new car: heated seats (we had these in a previous car and I miss them so much), heated mirrors, rear heating and air, and enough room for all our stuff – especially the mound of stuff we take on vacation with us. My husband inquired about the car and turns out, it was priced that low by mistake, but they’re willing to honor it. Well, that seemed too perfect. So, that night he and I discussed it, then I prayed about it before bed. I had a very clear dream that night that I asked God for a sign that we should buy this car, and He provided it. But, still clearer in my dream, God told me to give Him what was His first. We’ve been spotty tithers the last few years. At first, I blamed it on the new baby, then “mom brain” made me forget, but somewhere along the way I let it become of little importance in my mind. I’d give when I remembered, and sometimes not even then because we had extra bills that month or whatever. You don’t have to give me a tithing sermon, I know deep in my soul the importance of giving God back what He so graciously gives us. I just let it become a wedge. It kept separating me further and further from God’s plan for my life. It wasn’t good. Then a few months ago, hubby told me that our church was now doing automatic withdrawal for tithing. I know, it sounds sort of cold, but it was exactly the commitment and accountability I needed. I wanted to give, I just either let it slip my mind, or rationalized my way out of it when it came time to actually do it. I was not a “cheerful giver.” He and I both agreed that this was something we needed to do, but, again, for whatever reason, we hadn’t done it yet. So, when I had my dream, I knew exactly what we needed to do before anything else. Sunday we got the form and set up our tithes to be withdrawn from our account automatically.

Monday was incredibly warm for a February day. Our hot water had been running out pretty quickly for some time, so hubby went to Lowe’s and got an element to change out to see if that helped. Baby girl and I had already played outside, but daddy was going and she wanted to go too. I really had more work I needed to do, but I put it off until later and took her back outside (a 10 or 11 PM clock out time is pretty normal for me anymore.) Hubby got under the house and started working on the water heater. He came out a few minutes later and told me that the whole bottom of the unit had rusted out, and there was no way to fix it. My mind immediately started spinning. We had talked about, down the road that included a home improvement loan, putting in a tankless water heater. I start trying to figure out how to make something work, but my head just kept getting fuzzy. Too. Much. Big. Decision. Making. We talked about calling a plumber we know and discussing our options with him, but it was already like 5 PM, and it was supposed to rain the rest of the week. Hubby ended up finding a tank that would fit in our short crawlspace in stock at Lowe’s, so he went off to get that while I fed baby girl dinner. He got home and started working while I put baby girl to bed. I finally went out to check on him and I felt so helpless. I asked what I could do to help, and he said, “just keep me company.” There was a lot of crawling around in the dirt under the house, turning on faucets, and walking back and forth through the yard. My sweet husband was under the house on his hands and knees in the dark working so hard so that we could have hot water. He’s literally the best.

Tuesday morning baby girl woke up a few minutes earlier than usual screaming her head off. She had a stuffy nose, but other than that seemed fine. She ate a few bites of breakfast and said she was done. As the morning went on, I could tell she was congested. I called the pediatrician to find out the correct dosage for some benadryl, and we turned the shower on really hot and sat in the steamy bathroom for a while. When we got out, she really started acting pitiful. I could hear that she had some drainage in her throat, and she ended up gagging on it and throwing up. I thought that was all it was, but she ended up vomiting about 10 times throughout the day. She couldn’t keep anything down.

Wednesday she was almost more pitiful because you could tell she felt better enough to want to play, but she didn’t have the energy to. She barely ate all day, but did eat a fairly good dinner. We sat on the couch and cuddled most of the day.

Thursday she was much more like herself, with only a few pitiful moments in between. She still hardly ate anything. That morning I had so much energy. I changed the sheets and washed the dirty ones, started straightening up a spot in our bedroom that has been a mess since we moved here, did more laundry, did some proactive and productive things for work, did the dishes, and just straightened up anything else out of place along the way. I was so stinking productive. I was sitting on the couch working when baby girl woke up from her nap. I went to get up, and I noticed I was kind of sore all over. My throat had been a little scratchy that morning, but I figured it was sleeping with my mouth open. That afternoon, I could feel constant drainage running down the back of my throat, and it was getting progressively worse. By the time 3 o’clock rolled around, I was pretty miserable. That night I laid in bed and my arms and legs just ached. I could barely swallow and when I did I gagged on what was in my throat. My poor, sweet girl… no wonder she was pitiful. It was miserable. Luckily I skipped the vomiting part, but it’s now Monday night and I’m still not 100%

Sweet girl starting to feel better. Dressing up and a good book are a great remedy for the yuckies.

Baby girl and I stayed home from church yesterday so we didn’t spread our germs and I’m glad we did. She had a meltdown after she woke up from her nap that lasted an hour. I’m still not exactly sure what was wrong, but she acted like something hurt. We finally gave her some pain medicine and after it had just enough time to kick in, she finally calmed down. Even today, she’s had crying spells, she hasn’t wanted to walk much at all but instead wants to be carried everywhere, and we’ve sat and cuddled more than we’ve done anything else. I told my husband today that I’m not going to lie – I kind of like it when she starts whining [okay, I really don’t like the whining part] and says, “I need to cuddle mama.” There were months and months after she was born, maybe even a whole year, where she just did not like to cuddle. So, even though it’s not super conducive to me getting things done, it makes me happy to hear that she wants to cuddle. I do hate that it’s because she doesn’t feel good. We’re going on a week that she’s been off.

Anyway, we made a commitment to give God some of the money He has blessed us with, and look, satan immediately freaked out. He attacked us hard. Nope, I’m not taking that money back to pay for whatever you’re throwing at me. You can’t threaten me. I KNOW that when I bless God, a wonderful side effect of it is that He will bless me right back again. I have no room for your financial strains and sickness. Bye.

The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully… He who supplies the seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness.

2 Corinthians 9:6 & 10

So, obviously it’s Wednesday now…I started writing this last week and finished Monday. Word vomit. I think I write these things to process them, to kind of take a step back and see them from a different perspective than the one I have when I’m smack dab in the middle of it. Also, it’s way easier to recognize satan’s attacks when you take a step back. I think I also just want to remember these things. Broken water heaters and sickness are real life. It may not be the picture-perfect moment that I’ll remember 20 years from now, but it’s still our life right now.

Christmas and Easter.

Y’all, this is why I say that my kid doesn’t really play with toys. She does, but most don’t hold her attention for very long. She would rather play with random items that she can move from one place to another. When I looked down and saw this scene today, I thought it was a little ironic.

Ever since Easter, this basket of plastic eggs has been one of her favorite things to play with. She carries it around, takes the eggs out and puts them somewhere else, sometimes opening them and then shutting them again on the way, and then carries them one by one back to the basket. It could entertain her for hours.

Sometimes our kids don’t act like we think they “should.” They don’t play with the expensive toys they have, they don’t like the things we want them to. They are their own people. Life is like this is as well. Often times, we have very specific plans for our lives because the world tells us we should. But, God has much bigger, better plans, and life rarely looks like we think it should. Sometimes, living in the moment looks like a bunny basket of Easter eggs under the Christmas tree. And that’s okay.

Full disclosure, this started out as an Instagram post, but I got a little long-winded. I keep feeling uninspired to write, but apparently all I have to do is start, and the words come. I see you, satan, trying to keep me from my calling. Not cool.

Vacation.

Here are some thoughts from the last few days as we ended our vacation…

It’s our last full day at the beach. I always build up things in my head, then get disappointed when they don’t turn out exactly how I had imagined. I feel like I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m blessed. We’ve packed so much fun and even MORE FOOD into this trip, but I had to come to terms with the fact that there are things I had planned to do that we simply ran out of time to do. Baby girl has to nap (she’s been taking really good 2 hour ones) pretty much right in the middle of the day, so that kind of limits plans sometimes. Also, she and I have gotten up pretty much every day sometime between 6 and 6:30 AM. Her daddy has been getting up an hour or so after that, then her granny and papaw about an hour or so after that, then her auntie sleeps in pretty late. Between the nap and a fairly early bedtime for our girl, it’s hard to squeeze everything into the few hours where everyone is awake.

We have done so much, though. We’ve eaten, and eaten, and eaten some more. We’ve been to the aquarium, where baby girl loved the sharks and her auntie bought her a mermaid. We’ve shopped and browsed. We’ve found a playground. We’ve floated and played in the pool. We’ve looked for and found shells on the beach. We’ve played in the ocean. We’ve taken pictures. It’s been fun.

Today we came home, and the drive was less than stellar. The first half was really good, but by about 5.5 hours in, someone was trying every trick in the book to get us to stop the car and let her out. A couple times, she legit pooped and we had to stop and change her (she would kindly ask, “change biper” after she screamed bloody murder trying to get her poop out.) The third time, however, was a false alarm, and we quickly realized that she just wanted to stop and get out of her carseat. She cried for a couple of hours off and on, only being satisfied when I twisted my arm like a pretzel and held her hand from the front seat. I did that for a solid hour until she finally fell asleep, and my arm was completely numb. It was miserable. During the middle of all that, however, the sunset was gorgeous as we were driving through the mountains, and I couldn’t help but be thankful: thankful for time with family, thankful for safe travels, thankful for the beautiful sky in front of me, and even thankful for being able to twist my arm uncomfortably to comfort my daughter. I told hubby at that moment that even though I was miserable, there was no place I would rather be and nothing I’d rather be doing. Wherever they are, that’s where I want to be. I adore my little family so very much, and I don’t want to take a second with them for granted.

Can we also talk about how amazing it feels to come home after a trip? The same house that felt cluttered, disorganized, and just blah when we left feels so very comfortable and homey and exactly what I like. I think it’s the quintessential wicker furniture and tacky beach decor in every beach condo out there, but our gray walls and wood floors always seem much more inviting after living in a pastel paradise for a week. (No offense to anyone who likes that, it’s just not my thing.) It’s what I’ve made it, and I like it. Sure, it still needs work, but I see its potential.

I can’t help but think about how God sees us the same. Hear me out: the fresh eyes I saw my house with that made me appreciate it more, made me see the good in it and overlook the bad? That’s how God sees us all the time (okay, so this analogy is loose, I realize that He does see our sin, but He is still so willing to forgive us when we repent.) He knows the best version of us. He sees what He created us to be, and doesn’t lose His vision for us when we fall short. That’s where this analogy unravels… while I needed a step back from the everyday to remember why I loved it. God doesn’t. He loves us the same as He did yesterday, today, and as He will tomorrow. Isn’t that amazing? He sees our potential and doesn’t lose sight of His plans for us, for me, even when I stray. I’m so thankful for that, and for the gentle reminders He gives me to see my life that way as well so that I can once again align myself with His will.

Rubbish.

Something I wrote in April that spoke to me again when I read it the other night:

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ…

Philippians 3:7&8

Jim reminded us that if anyone was on the fast track to “making it”, it was Paul. He had the right social standing, he appeared to be righteous under the law, he was going places according to the world’s standards. Jim also pointed out that Paul never names anything specific that he gave up in this passage, as if it didn’t matter anyway. [Link to devotion] Jim challenged us to think about what we hold “most dear” and where we find our identity.

When I first thought about this, I honestly got a little defensive. A lot of my identity is being a wife and a mother. But, I know God has called me to these things, so why would I have to give them up? They are important to me. I was also thinking that my birthright and social standing couldn’t compare to Paul’s, but then a thought occured to me: I was born in a country that was built on freedom, I have food on my table and a roof over my head, I have money to do and buy the things I need and want. How much of my identity is in all of these things? Much more than I care to admit. What if God called me to give it all up? Would I still praise God if I were on the street, hungry, and being persecuted for my beliefs?

I think one important thing, probably the most important, is perspective. When we truly see Jesus for who He is, literally nothing else can compare. He is so big that our titles, our money, our lives seem so small in comparison. We realize that following Him should be our whole identity. In His power and presence, the biggest problems don’t even seem like minor setbacks. In a heavenly, divine perspective, worldly things seem minute. It’s all rubbish.

So, I’m not saying that my roles as wife and mother aren’t important, but they are just that, roles that God gave me to fulfill His purpose. My identity should be found in Him.

I’ve been thrown into working on the whole perspective thing… our family has been dealing with an issue the last few days. It’s not life-threatening, but definitely potentially life-changing. I was driving yesterday, and remembered a thought I had several months ago. Life was so good and my heart was so full. I remember thinking that I needed to praise God for these good times, because there are inevitably bad times too. I was trying to hold onto that feeling of joy so that I could remember it the next time joy and praise didn’t come so easily. Well, that time is now. One of those inevitable bad times is now. And I’m trying to cling so very tightly to God’s goodness and promises.

We got some good news today, but it’s still a waiting game. I fully believe that God heard the prayers of everybody who prayed for us over the last few days – and it was a lot of people. I know He will continue to be with us as we go through the next few weeks (and forever), but I already have such peace about this situation. I already have assurance that God answered the cry of His people, and He will continue to bless us immensely through this ordeal. I KNOW that He can use this for our good. I just pray that we don’t get so distracted by our circumstances that we forget to look for the blessings and the lesson. I pray that we can use this to help someone else some day. I pray that we can continue to cling to our faith in God’s unending goodness, because it is abundantly present in our lives.

Grace.

Sometimes, I have the best intentions but, I don’t get to my bible time like I plan. Life gets in the way, and although there’s really no excuse for not making time for God, it happens. On those days, however, I have to remind myself that even though I’m not in the Word, I still have small moments throughout the day where I’m focusing on God. Most days that I miss my devotion, it’s because I have to go somewhere, so I’m usually in the car at some point. And let me tell you about the mini worship sessions I have in the car… they’re pretty great. I love cranking up my favorite worship songs and just belting out with all I have to God. [More on my absolute love of music later.] I was having one of these earlier today (baby girl was giving me some serious side eye from the back seat), and a song that I love and have heard a thousand times came on, and really got me thinking. Needtobreathe has some of the best worship music, in my opinion. It’s not traditional worship music, for sure, but their lyrics are just the best. This is from their song “A Place Only You Can Go”:

We were born to love
And we’re born to pay
The price for our mistakes
Grace, she comes with a heavy load
Memories, they can’t be erased
Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well
And leaves an awful taste

I’ve always loved these lyrics, but something just hit me hard in the gut when I heard them today. I think so many of us Christians know that Jesus died for us, that we have accepted that, and that we are saved. But, we’re human. Our past doesn’t seem to go away. Our memories are still there. God actually removes our sin as far as the east is from the west, and doesn’t think on it for another second. We’re not God. Although we know what He’s done, it’s bittersweet, because we can’t forget what we’ve done. We’re given supernatural forgiveness that our human minds can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s exactly why we need the Holy Spirit. I think that’s why so many of us have trouble “living like” we’re saved. Satan likes to give us constant reminders of what we needed saving from, and we tend to fall into that same hole all over again. Does that even make any sense? Probably not.

I’m so thankful for God’s grace, but it is hard to swallow sometimes. It’s hard (for me anyway) to get over myself, to give myself a break, cut myself some slack. I make grace such a difficult thing, when it should be the easiest thing in the world.

Baby girl’s middle name is Grace. We needed a good, one-syllable name, and kept coming back to it. I know, everyone and their granddaughter has the same middle name… I knew it wasn’t uncommon, but apparently it’s super common. Anyway, after all we had been through with the miscarriage, Grace just seemed fitting. God has given us such grace through our difficulty, and has blessed us with our daughter. I pray that I always remember this when I look at my sweet girl’s smile.

Works.

In going through some of my previous bible devotions, I found this that I wrote in March. It reminded me that I already had a heart project going on when I decided to I would finally obey and start this blog… a heart project I had started to forget about in the anxiety of publishing my words.

You believe God is One; you do well. Even the demons believe – and shudder! Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless?

James 2:19&20

This passage always gets me, and makes me think of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (such a good book if you haven’t read it!) Satan himself knows that Jesus is the Son of God, that’s why he attacks us so. Evil in the purest form believes in the one true God, so when people say they believe in God, it’s not really much of a thing to say. We are called to live our lives like we believe in God. That belief should be causing us to act in some way or another.

Where I get tripped up is that when I see the word “works” in this passage, I think I need to be out in the street feeding the hungry or teaching orphans in Africa – and if that is what God lays on my heart, then by all means, I should. However, I forget that it also just means action. How am I living differently than I would otherwise because I believe? Do I have a joy that the world can’t take away? Do I see God as Lord of all, and therefore use my time to praise His name? Do I take comfort that His plan is better when something’s not going the way I think it should? Do I use the talents and abilities He has given me to glorify Him in my day to day life? “Works” aren’t just these grandiose gestures that I usually think of, they are faith in action in our everyday lives. It’s living like we believe, not just saying we do.

Lately, after feeling like I’m not giving God my absolute all, I’ve been praying for Him to show me what I’m holding back. I think I assumed it was one big thing I was holding on to, but He’s been showing me all sorts of little daily things that I keep forgetting to hand over. My work is definitely one of these things, but it has been even smaller aspects like [Baby Girl’s] sleeping habits and what we’re going to have for dinner. I think I just assume that these things are too small for God to waste His time with, and that I can handle them myself. However, these small things are the very things satan uses to get in my head, to tell me I’m not good enough. So, they are definitely things I should be handing over to God, because He wants it all – even the [maybe not so] little things.

I’ve gotten distracted lately by focusing on giving God this big thing (my blog), and have forgotten once again to hand over every seemingly minute aspect of my life. Because of this, I can once again feel satan wedging in, using these tiny worries I have to give me big anxieties and insecurities. I can tell that I’m not giving God my all, only a small, specific portion of my life that I have divided out just for Him. This is a scary realization, and I pray that He makes me more aware of the times I try to “go it alone.”

Beginning.

I wrote this at the beginning of March, and I just love everything about it. It needs to be shared with you all:

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

Acts 20:24

I had to look up the verses around this one to really understand what was going on. Paul is talking to Ephesian leaders about his life. He says he doesn’t always know where the Holy Spirit is going to lead him, but he can be sure that he will most likely face some sort of adversity, persecution, or physical harm. But to him it’s worth it. His physical being, he realizes, is not as important as the task God has charged him with. So, even if he is facing trials, he is happy to do it.

IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.

My poor, tired, teething baby. I feel you, girl.

I sat down to do this devotion yesterday, and immediately the baby woke up from her nap. She’s got four teeth coming in, and we’ve been working on changing her schedule. For the past three nights, she has whined in her sleep all night – so mama hasn’t gotten much sleep. Work is kind of busy, and I’ve had this lingering abdominal pain since Sunday that just doesn’t want to seem to go away. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. As soon as I feel like I’ve got one thing under control, something else happens. I typed out a quick note on my phone this morning to address these complaints. At the end, however, I realized that by being bogged down by everything going on and everything I “have to” do, I was missing out on God’s plan for my day. Yes, He can help me take care of all that stuff (or show me that it’s not actually that important), but He can also give me opportunities to love those around me, to talk to someone who is lonely, or to be in the right place at the right time. It’s not about my to-do list, it’s about God’s will.

For this devotion, Jim used a quote from Oswald Chambers. I’m not going to write it out – BUT IT’S SO GOOD – but the gist of it is this: it’s easier to “live for God” on our own terms without actually consulting God. We can do “Christian-like” things that we’re comfortable with, without questioning if it is in fact what God has actually put on our hearts to do. Jim says, “if we choose to never hear Him, we will never find the true life of a disciple.” [Link to mentioned devotion and quotes here.]

This steps on my toes for two reasons: 1) My to-do list? Not that important after all. 2) What is God calling me to really do? Well, sometimes I find that tricky to discern. God made me a mother, and I feel like that’s the very most direct way we can follow the great commission: as parents, we are making disciples of our children; it’s hard and important work. Also, lately I’ve followed a blogger on Facebook. She posts inspirational, real, and sometimes funny things about motherhood, being a woman, and following Jesus. I’ve always loved to journal, and it’s definitely the most eloquent way I can get my thoughts down – I’m a terrible speaker, even in everyday conversation. I’ve also been reading The Magnolia Journal and the Gaines’ books. Joanna is all about living purposefully and authentically, and it really speaks to me. I’ve started to feel a little nudge; okay, so, I’ve actually heard the word, “words,” spoken to me while praying for God to show me how to use my talents for His purpose.

I remember writing this out, and my heart was racing. I had never spoken out loud that nudge I had been feeling, much less even written it down. The fact that I wrote it out, acknowledged it, made it seem so much more real, and so much more frightening. Of course, God knew that I knew before that. He knew that I was, and still am, scared. But, He also knows the great things He can accomplish through me if I just get out of the way. That is so very comforting.