Tag: life lessons

Enjoy every second.

S E V E N years ago, I posted this photo on my Facebook with the caption “Current situation.” I remember this day like it was yesterday. This tiny girl usually hated sleeping on me, and I, guiltily, was okay with that. I liked having a few minutes to myself. I liked being able to fold some laundry or do some dishes while she napped. We were having such a hard time with nursing in those early days that I was constantly touched out, and any break I had from her being on my body was welcome. I remember feeling antsy this day. I had her in my lap doing her “awake time,” trying to interact and keep her as engaged as possible. It was so engaging, apparently, that it was exhausting and she passed out asleep in my lap. I remember feeling impatient. I wanted to move her to her sleeper so badly, but I knew it would wake her up, so I let her sleep. I posted this picture knowing what kinds of comments I would get from seasoned parents – “enjoy every second of it,” “it goes so fast,” “soak in all the snuggles…” And I KNEW that advice was true, but I wasn’t feeling it. I felt restless and almost annoyed at the inevitable comments I would receive. But, I posted it anyway. Not really for anyone else (although, cute baby pictures are always well-received), but for my future self – for the mother I knew I would be some day, to remind myself that while my feelings didn’t match my intention, I was TRYING. I knew, that this was something to appreciate, and so I tried to do so.

Being a mother has changed me so much. It has slowed me down, so much so that it often stops me in my tracks. Motherhood has softened me, it has grown my heart in ways I didn’t know it could expand. It has taught me that you can feel and know two different things, and that’s okay. It can be both. In the same way, I am learning that however I’m *feeling* doesn’t dictate what I know to be true – in regards to anxiety, in regards to everyday choices, and most importantly, in regards to who God says I am.

I’m proud of new mother me, because she was doing the best she could and laid the foundation of the mother I am today. Do I wish I had appreciated those baby snuggles more? Of course. I miss them so incredibly much that it hurts. If I had it to do all over again, I would chill the heck out. I was so uptight about schedules and ounces and milestones that it stole my joy. I was so embarrassed about how I was feeling that I stayed miserable. I hate that for myself, but I also want to use it to encourage other new mothers. You’re not broken, we all need help, and you’re not a terrible person for feeling how you feel. You are amazing.

Home Sweet Home.

Home. All kinds of people have often defined what home is. Comfort, peace, a soft landing place after a long day, just to name a few. Our daughter is a homebody (we are too). She LOVES being home. She would rather be there than anywhere. It makes going out to eat or going to church an issue every single time. She does not want to leave the house, even for something I know she will enjoy when she gets there [*ahem*, looking at you, school.]

My husband and I planned a trip coming up pretty soon that I KNOW our daughter will be excited about, because she has been talking about it since the last time we went. We told her the other morning, and she literally cried and said she didn’t want to go. She just wanted to stay home. Now, we’ve talked a lot about it since and I think she is getting more excited, but it’s a struggle.

Our daughter feeling completely at home on the grounds of Biltmore Estate a couple of years ago.

Her love of home keeps me so humble, and I just had this conversation with someone yesterday… I always think about that quote that floats around social media every now and then, “Remember that you prayed for what you have now.” And that’s SO TRUE. I have a husband who is my perfect partner in every way. We have a safe roof over our head in a safe neighborhood. We have a healthy, smart, beautiful child. We have a dog. We have enough money to put food on our table, to bless others, to get things we not only need but just want. I did, I prayed for all of this. So, when comparison and discontent creep in, our daughter’s love of our home keeps me in check. We have everything we need, and we’re comfortable and blessed.

Yesterday, we got a new shower installed in our daughter’s bathroom. It has probably needed to be replaced since we moved in, but we haven’t been able to do it until now. We lived with the old, stained, incredibly hard to clean textured tub from the ’70’s, but it always was something that bugged me about our house. Our daughter has cried and cried over the change in her bathroom. She loved the old tub. Last night as I put her to bed, she told me that home felt weird now because it had changed. Then she went into a long monologue about how much she loved home. She finished with, “Mama, can you make everywhere home?” Gosh, I wish I could.

Our home isn’t picture perfect, but it is the definition of comfort to our sweet girl.

I’m so thankful, humble, and blessed. I know that not all people, not all children have that safe space to land every day. And I pray that our home feels that way to anyone who comes into it. It’s a safe space, and you’re always welcome. There might just be dog hair everywhere and the kitchen may not be cleaned up from breakfast. But, people who love each other live here, and that’s really all that matters.

Orchestrated.

I’m still coming back down to normal from last week, but as I continue to look back, I am simply in awe of how God provides for us. It’s not my medical story to tell, but I can’t help but praise Him for how it all played out. It was so very obviously orchestrated that I can’t help but get chills every time I talk about it.

Basically, my mom got really sick two Sunday ago, but we thought it was strep and we would go to the ER to get some antibiotics and be on our way. Through a series of things and people and decisions that were obviously put there by God, a scary diagnosis and a stay at the hospital in Lexington happened exactly the way they were supposed to. An ER doctor who happen to know that her voice sounded a certain way and ordered a CT scan. The same ER doctor who was humble enough to know that he couldn’t treat her and she needed a specialist. Sweet nurses, jovial EMTs who lightened the otherwise very dark mood and ambulance ride to Lexington. A room at UKs ER when so many others lined the hallways. The fact that pediatric ENT was on rotation that weekend and my mom ended up seeing the same doctor who did our daughter’s ear tubes. A nurse who fell in love with my momma and claimed her as her own since she didn’t have a good relationship with her own parents, and who even asked if it was okay to hug her as her shift ended. You all, the situation was scary, but I FULLY believe it happened exactly the way it was supposed to. God was watching out for my momma and working it out in the best way with every step.

I had a realization after all of this was over – I just kept thinking about how bad it could have been if this decision hadn’t been made or that person hadn’t been there at that time… and I realized why God allows us to think of the what-ifs. So often, my what-ifs spiral me into anxiety. I so often think about all the bad things that could happen and spend my time worrying about every possible outcome. But God taught me such a beautiful lesson through this whole ordeal – sometimes the what-ifs allow us to see God working. If mom had made a different decision, we might not have seen that doctor who knew what to look for, we might have not met people we were supposed to, we might have caught it too late, honestly, the outcome could have been really bad. In times like these, I now understand why we have the ability to think of the what-ifs, because it makes us realize what all God has done for us, and how He’s working even when we don’t see it.

My sweet people.

Also, I need to talk about my absolute gem of a husband. While I was off at the hospital, he held down the fort. He did the bedtime things, made meals, took sweet girl to VBS, took her to her ENT appointment (literally the day mom was admitted, sweet girl had an ear tube checkup AT THE SAME HOSPITAL), brought me fresh clothes and coffee, did the dishes, and all the parenting things. He was wonderful. The picture in the post is when we were leaving the hospital after I had been up for almost 48 hours straight and after sweet girl’s ear tube appointment. My sister had come to stay with mom and these favorite people of mine came to get me for some lunch and a nap. Those few days were rough and scary and exhausting, but I had my people and my God with me every step of the way. I’m glad it’s over and we’re getting back to normal. And it’s weird, but all I am able to feel about it is thankfulness.

Lose.

As soon as the new year hit, I was BOMBARDED with ads on Facebook and Instagram for weight loss programs. When I watched TV, every other commercial was for a diet plan, gym membership, or piece of workout equipment. I get it, I’ve fallen into that “new year, new me” mentality before. I’ve fallen into thinking that the new year was somehow going to bring new focus, new drive, new motivation. And then I was sorely disappointed yet again to figure out that I was still me. A turn of the calendar page did not mean anything. This year was the first year I think I was actually aware of what is going on. I mean, yes, I’ve always known that the big weight loss push happens at the first of the year, but I hadn’t truly ever thought about what it meant. It means that the majority of us are unhappy with our bodies for some reason or another, and it means that we fall victim over and over again to big corporations trying to cash in on our unhealthy relationships with our bodies. I’m not saying that weight loss itself is a bad thing, but it really irks me that we “need” all this help. Why are we not taught practical ways to care for our bodies when we are kids? Why is junk food, fast food, and convenience food pushed on us? So that we will need to buy that diet plan later. And we have all these things that make our lives easier, but sometimes all it does is make us have to move less. We are so sedentary. And then we have to schedule out even more time to work out, we have to buy equipment for it, it’s a whole thing. And now I sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist, but it’s a gross cycle.

As I sat and watched TV the other day, I felt physically ill seeing all of these commercials. “Before” pictures showing unhappy, (sometimes) overweight individuals would fill the screen. One in particular I saw three times in one sitting and I couldn’t get over it. It showed this woman who was talking about how she didn’t like her body anymore and “didn’t recognize” herself, so she had to buy this program. I KID YOU NOT, I swear they bought her the same track suit from her before picture in a bigger size so it would look like she had lost weight. If you really focus on her, she doesn’t look any different. What in the world are we being fed?

I understand the need for our society as a whole to be healthier, I really do. But I absolutely know that these “miracle” programs are not the answer. And the fact that every other ad that is pushed into our faces tells us that our bodies need this or that before they are acceptable is bull. I am as heavy right now as I was when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter, and I’ll be honest, when I realized that, I was freaked out. I weigh so much that it is entirely possible for me to fit a whole [albeit small] other person inside me. I felt the initial shame, disgust, and general unhappiness with my body that the world tells me I should feel. But over the last several months, I’ve come to terms with my body. This body of mine has carried me through every single day. It has held me as I’ve had my weakest, most emotional moments over the last couple of years. It has hugged and hugged and hugged some more. It has laughed, it has cried, it has ached. It has stretched and it has held another human being. It has nourished our daughter and held her as she cried. It is the perfect body that God made for me, and I am done hating it. Now, I’m not saying this is where I need to live forever, that I couldn’t improve. I could definitely be a better steward of the blessing of my body that God has given me; I could do a better job of taking care of it. However, I will not be shamed into thinking that I have to be a certain size or eat a certain meal to be worthy of some arbitrary praise. My body is mine, and I won’t be shamed into hating it anymore.

One of my very favorite wedding photos, taken after the ceremony. I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion and my sweet husband was comforting me.

[My husband just asked me what I was “over there blogging about,” and I told him. He said, “Well, I love your body.” Ladies, find yourself a man who will not only appreciate your body no matter the size, but love it unconditionally. I am definitely not the same size (or shape for that matter) as when we first met, or even when we got married (although I stress ate for like a full month before our wedding and did gain a ton of weight 臘‍♀️) Anyway, all that to say, my husband is the sweetest.] We need to love our bodies, right here right now, no matter what they look like.

Seasonal.

It’s that time of year again when I have to preach to myself about expectation, disappointment, and contentment. I love the holidays. I love the family time, the food, the decorations, and all the accompanying activities. It’s so stinking easy to get wrapped up in wanting to do all the things. It happens to me every year. And every year I learn yet again that time is what you make it and it’s all about perspective.

That awkward, in-between two great seasons look where dead mums and sparkly lights coexist.

October is one of my favorite months. It was over so quickly. I was getting all depressed the other day thinking about all the fall seasonal things I wanted to do and didn’t get to – go apple picking, go to different pumpkin patches, carve a pumpkin… the list goes on. But then I got to thinking about all the things we did get to do: went to our local pumpkin patch three times, took pictures in the sunflowers, picked out pumpkins, went to a trunk or treat at our church, went trick or treating in our neighborhood – just to name a few. We did so much, and we did it together. You all, it really is all about perspective. You can choose to focus on the things you didn’t do, don’t have, etc., or you can look at what you did do and do have and realize that you’re so incredibly blessed.

It feels like November has flown by. For most of the month, my daughter and I have been sick on and off, and I’ve had more migraines in the last couple of months than I ever remember having all together like this. That’s probably part of the reason I feel like I’ve missed it. I’m trying to enjoy every day, but the days are running together quickly. This is the time of year I wait for all year, and I feel like it’s passing me by. This is truly a test of living in the moment, and I don’t want to fail.

On Thanksgiving, like so many others, we watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I love the tradition and dependability of it- that every year, no matter what’s going on in my life, I can count on the parade to bring me some superficial joy as it signals the beginning of the holiday season. I think my favorite part is seeing the Rockettes, and I told my husband I think it’s because the show seems like a remnant of an earlier time. My husband and I were excitedly anticipating the parade, and I had been trying to talk it up to our three year old. The last couple of years, she has had zero interest in watching it and would get mad that we wanted to watch it. We were talking about it and I told her that she could see Santa at the end. She watched it with us, but about every five minutes asked if it was over yet. After she finally saw Santa, she looked at me and said, “I liked seeing Santa, but I didn’t like the parade.” I said, “Oh, well, it seemed like you liked the dancing.” She said, “I did!” Then I said, “Didn’t you like the floats?” “Oh, I loved seeing the floats!” she said. I explained that all those things made up the parade. She asked, “So does that mean I liked the parade?” “Yes, if you liked all the things about the parade, then that means you liked the parade.” “I didn’t like the parade,” she concluded.

The logic of our three year old didn’t seem too logical, but then I started thinking about how often times we think we are unhappy with our lives; we don’t see that our blessings make up our lives. We basically say, “God, I like that you love me and made me, but I don’t like the life you gave me.” I can almost hear him saying, “Don’t you like the people I gave you to love?” “Well, yes, of course. I love my friends and family!” “And it seems like you like the food I gave you to eat and the mountains, the ocean, the rivers,  and the changing seasons.” “Oh, yes,” we would say, “I’m so grateful for those things.” “Well, those things are your life.” I’m not trying to downplay that fact that there are parts of our lives that aren’t pleasant. We all experience heartache. But, it’s our focus that’s everything. During the parade, there were A LOT of commercials and I was kind of annoyed by how many there were, and how often. But, I didn’t dislike the parade itself just because I thought there were too many commercial interruptions. In the same way (this is a loose analogy, go with me here, haha), we have hard times, annoying times, unexpected times, but they aren’t who we are. They are just interruptions in the bigger picture. We are blessed, whether we choose to see it or not.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.” -Psalm 139:17&18

We awake, and God is still with us, every single day. Whether we’re driving around looking at Christmas lights and baking cookies, or just sitting on the couch and cuddling in our jammies, God is there. His love, mercy, grace, and blessings follow us wherever we go. He is good always, and nothing in this world can change that. Nothing. Happy holiday season, y’all. I pray that we all look beyond the stuff and all the things we think we have to do, and just bask in the vastness of God’s love.