Tag: relationships

Lose.

As soon as the new year hit, I was BOMBARDED with ads on Facebook and Instagram for weight loss programs. When I watched TV, every other commercial was for a diet plan, gym membership, or piece of workout equipment. I get it, I’ve fallen into that “new year, new me” mentality before. I’ve fallen into thinking that the new year was somehow going to bring new focus, new drive, new motivation. And then I was sorely disappointed yet again to figure out that I was still me. A turn of the calendar page did not mean anything. This year was the first year I think I was actually aware of what is going on. I mean, yes, I’ve always known that the big weight loss push happens at the first of the year, but I hadn’t truly ever thought about what it meant. It means that the majority of us are unhappy with our bodies for some reason or another, and it means that we fall victim over and over again to big corporations trying to cash in on our unhealthy relationships with our bodies. I’m not saying that weight loss itself is a bad thing, but it really irks me that we “need” all this help. Why are we not taught practical ways to care for our bodies when we are kids? Why is junk food, fast food, and convenience food pushed on us? So that we will need to buy that diet plan later. And we have all these things that make our lives easier, but sometimes all it does is make us have to move less. We are so sedentary. And then we have to schedule out even more time to work out, we have to buy equipment for it, it’s a whole thing. And now I sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist, but it’s a gross cycle.

As I sat and watched TV the other day, I felt physically ill seeing all of these commercials. “Before” pictures showing unhappy, (sometimes) overweight individuals would fill the screen. One in particular I saw three times in one sitting and I couldn’t get over it. It showed this woman who was talking about how she didn’t like her body anymore and “didn’t recognize” herself, so she had to buy this program. I KID YOU NOT, I swear they bought her the same track suit from her before picture in a bigger size so it would look like she had lost weight. If you really focus on her, she doesn’t look any different. What in the world are we being fed?

I understand the need for our society as a whole to be healthier, I really do. But I absolutely know that these “miracle” programs are not the answer. And the fact that every other ad that is pushed into our faces tells us that our bodies need this or that before they are acceptable is bull. I am as heavy right now as I was when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter, and I’ll be honest, when I realized that, I was freaked out. I weigh so much that it is entirely possible for me to fit a whole [albeit small] other person inside me. I felt the initial shame, disgust, and general unhappiness with my body that the world tells me I should feel. But over the last several months, I’ve come to terms with my body. This body of mine has carried me through every single day. It has held me as I’ve had my weakest, most emotional moments over the last couple of years. It has hugged and hugged and hugged some more. It has laughed, it has cried, it has ached. It has stretched and it has held another human being. It has nourished our daughter and held her as she cried. It is the perfect body that God made for me, and I am done hating it. Now, I’m not saying this is where I need to live forever, that I couldn’t improve. I could definitely be a better steward of the blessing of my body that God has given me; I could do a better job of taking care of it. However, I will not be shamed into thinking that I have to be a certain size or eat a certain meal to be worthy of some arbitrary praise. My body is mine, and I won’t be shamed into hating it anymore.

One of my very favorite wedding photos, taken after the ceremony. I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion and my sweet husband was comforting me.

[My husband just asked me what I was “over there blogging about,” and I told him. He said, “Well, I love your body.” Ladies, find yourself a man who will not only appreciate your body no matter the size, but love it unconditionally. I am definitely not the same size (or shape for that matter) as when we first met, or even when we got married (although I stress ate for like a full month before our wedding and did gain a ton of weight 臘‍♀️) Anyway, all that to say, my husband is the sweetest.] We need to love our bodies, right here right now, no matter what they look like.

Mom guilt.


The mom guilt today is real. I usually spend all day every day with my sweet girl, but the last two mornings, I’ve had appointments and errands in the morning, and she has stayed at the house with my mom. I work from home, and I always struggle with balance, but today it was about to send me over the edge. She, for whatever reason, didn’t take a nap. She laid in there for over an hour just playing and talking, and yelling at me every thirty minutes or so needing water or her blanket fixed or to tell me she loved me. I know she was having trouble sleeping, and I felt bad. But, I never truly understand how much I appreciate nap time until she doesn’t take a nap. My nerves were absolutely shot. I was trying to eat my lunch and get some work done, and just hearing her in there absolutely wound up was stressing me out. At some point, she wanted to get up, but it was like thirty minutes until nap time is usually over. I tried to explain to her that she had to just lay there and be quiet until it was time. She just kept yelling for me to come back, getting increasingly whiny and obstinate. You all, I snapped. I yelled. I stomped. I acted like a toddler. I had to leave the room and compose myself before I went back in. I scooped her up and held her in her chair. I told her I was sorry that she was having trouble falling asleep, and I apologized for losing my temper. She apologized for not being nice to me. And despite the fact that I was stressed about only having done exactly five minutes of work, I just sat there and let her lay on me. We both calmed down, and we just cuddled until it was time to get up. I don’t know if she was just feeling like she hadn’t seen me much lately or what, but that was what we both needed. This afternoon was the same old, “mama, will you play with me?” “In a few minutes, baby, mama has to finish her work.” Sprinkled with potty breaks, reaching a book off the tall shelf every five minutes, her handing me pretend paintings that she has “made”, and some general distractions. When I finally came to a stopping point with my work (I swear, I never actually finish) we went outside and played. That was nice, and I feel like we both felt better after that. Ugh, guys. How am I supposed to do it all? Be present, be productive, keep the house clean, the dishes and the laundry done, exercise, plan and eat healthy meals, read my bible, spend time in prayer, carve out time for my friends, spend time on my side gig, have “me time” (hahaha), pay the bills, keep things organized?? There aren’t enough hours in the week. Oh yeah.. and I should probably take a shower in there somewhere.. I’m tired.
Today had good and bad moments, like all days, but those bad moments sure did beat the crap out of me today. She went to bed knowing she is safe and loved, and I know that’s all that matters. But, I’d so like to do better at the in between stuff too. I’d like to set a better example of how to react to things. I’d like to show her love and grace better. I’d also like to pee in peace and have a nap. Mama life is hard sometimes. Okay, all the time. But the (rare) hugs and kisses make it worth it. The joy on her face when she does something she likes to do is worth it. The wisdom in her tiny little head is worth it. And the hours upon hours we spend reading books is worth it. She is so worth it.
Also, my husband is amazing and supports me in every way possible. He helps with the dishes, does most of the cooking, comes home and plays with our daughter while I finish up work. He is so helpful and I couldn’t do this crazy life without him ❤
On a completely unrelated and shallow note, my bed is a mess (see photo) and it needs help. I think the price of throw pillows is outrageous, and my husband doesn’t really understand the purpose of them. To him, they are just something that he has to take off before getting in the bed. But, you all, I want our bedroom, especially our bed, to be cozier and more inviting. Any tips?

Worthy of grace.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

Grace. Do we really believe that we are worthy of it? Every moment we have is another second of God’s grace. Every breath we breathe is a gift of grace from our Creator. First of all, the verse above hits home, because it really boils down to the fact that God gives us grace so that we can have what we need and then give the rest away. He gives us what we need and then some. Am I accepting that grace and then sharing it with others or just stuck on the fact that I don’t deserve it? I’ve been working on showing grace to others as part of living out a better example of love, but I can’t show others grace if I don’t fully appreciate my own. God spoke to me this morning about someone else I’ve been forgetting to extend grace to: myself. I’m my harshest critic; I’d say that’s true for a lot of people. I have very high expectations for myself, but very low motivation most of the time. That usually results in some major self-loathing. It’s not pretty, and it’s not what God wants for me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been on the wrong side of the fine line between humility and self-deprecating. It hurts my heart to know that seven year old me wrote in her journals about how ugly she was because she had moles, and how disgusting she was because she had an accident at school. I saw myself as disgusting. And I still do sometimes. The world teaches us to be really good at nit picking our flaws, because it’s easier to sell us a product to fix them if we are already obsessing over them. It’s scary how early this seeps into our daily thinking. When I worked at the daycare (have I mentioned this before? I worked at a daycare for eight years), I saw young kids worried about eating too much or that they wore a bigger size than their friends; I saw little faces already convinced that they needed makeup to look pretty; I saw fat-shaming and name calling and pure ugliness in these kids sometimes. I’ve also known young people whose parents have offered to pay for plastic surgery for their child because of a superficial flaw that the parent saw. This world is a mess: we are selfish, we are vain, we are lustful, we are hateful, we are prideful. How in the world can we deserve grace? I’ll let you in on a little secret – we don’t. But God gives it to us anyway. And not only that, He uses our sins to point others to His glory.
The other morning, baby girl and I read the story of Moses and the burning bush in her Bible story book. At the end of the story, it said something like, “Moses was special to God, you are special to Him too.” My sweet three year old looked up from her breakfast at me and said, “Mama, but I’m not special to God because sometimes I’m mean.” Oh my heart. That about killed me. I talked to her about how God loves us even when we are mean and hard to love. I told her that was called grace, and that’s why God is so good to us. No one else could love us like that. You all, a THREE YEAR OLD saw that she wasn’t worthy of God’s love. Why does it take adults so long to get it?

Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more…
Romans 5:20

Being convicted of our sins is painful, even my tiny girl saw a glimpse of that. God’s law is there to show us when we’re not living the way we’ve been called to live. We are supposed to feel the guilt and shame, but only so we can see the grace that is extended to us. We aren’t supposed to wallow in it, we aren’t made to live in that state of mind. But without first seeing why we need grace, the gift wouldn’t mean anything to us. I love when I see the word “but” in the bible, it usually means God is about to show up in a big way and do something only He can do. No one else, ever, could show us the grace and mercy and love that God shows us. No one could even come close. But we are called to try, to strive to love each other like sweet Jesus loves us.
Last summer, I decided to do something about my less than healthy lifestyle. I started out by walking around the block with my mom and daughter, then slowly worked in some intermittent jogging. By the fall, I could run/ jog all the way around our neighborhood once. It is only a half mile, but I got to where I could go around twice and not want to pass out. I’ve NEVER been a runner. I can’t breathe correctly when I run, and my lungs feel like they are on fire. I hurt my knee at some point and had to stick to walking for a few weeks, but I stuck with it. I was so proud of the discipline I had about it – I ran 4-5 times a week. Now, I didn’t eat any better than I ever had, I might have even eaten worse, so I wasn’t losing any weight, but I could tell I was toning myself. My clothes fit differently and my posture was better. I had more energy. I felt better. Then Thanksgiving came along and we didn’t go as often. Then December came and there were colder days and Christmas candy and goodies and I didn’t go at all. Now here we are in February and I’m pretty sure it’s been like two months since I’ve been out to run. And… I’ve been eating my feelings. A lot. I’ve gained like eleven pounds. And I was already heavier than I had been in several years. I now weigh the same as I did when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter, and it makes me feel awful. I feel huge. But I have to give myself grace. 2020 was hard on everyone, and our family was put through the ringer. Life is weird, change is hard, and we’re all just trying to cope. I’m not saying that this is the way it always needs to be, because it’s not. If I continue living the way I am, it will become downright unhealthy. But, I have to give myself grace. I can’t beat myself up over the way I look right now. What I can do is recognize that this isn’t sustainable, take that grace I so often forget I can have, and use it as motivation to do better. The last thing I want to do is let my daughter think it’s okay to put herself down. I don’t ever want to set that example. What I do want her to realize is that we all struggle sometimes, and that’s okay. We’re all a little mean sometimes, but we are still special to God and He loves us anyway. So, that’s why we keep trying, pushing, striving to do better. Because we are given grace.

Pursue love.

These are a few of my journal entries from the past week, and when I put them all together it was obvious that God was speaking love into my heart; not just that He loves me, but that I need to love others in that same way.

By this, all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

John 13:35

I know I visit this verse a lot, but I feel like it is so very important – especially in the divided world we live in. In his bible study on this verse, Jim asked us to think about how we relate to each other. When we meet someone new, a common question is, “what do you do?” and we usually answer that in regards to our work. But why do we do that? For most people, our work is a very small part of our identity. He points out that unless we wear a uniform or name tag, it’s impossible to tell for sure what kind of job we have without asking. My favorite thing he said was, “Our love for others should be as noticeable as a name tag or a uniform.” Yeah.
I’m convicted by this. What in the world does this kind of love look like? How could people see that? But then I’m reminded that Jesus already showed us what it looked like. He was our example. He tells us to love each other as He loves us. He tells us to be patient, kind, not boastful, envious, arrogant, or rude. (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.) We all need that reminder.
1 Corinthians 14:1 says, “Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy.” The prophesy part is another spiritual realization for another day, but these words: PURSUE LOVE, they are it. If we want to be close to God, we need to pursue love. God is love. The closer we get to Him, the easier it will be to love.


This is my motto for this week. I want to do better at living out the definition of love; and not just seeking God and His love, but pursuing it, chasing after Him daily with my whole heart.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This is one of the most famous passages in the bible – “the love passage,” that is frequently read at weddings. As I was reading it in reference to my last entry, I was convicted – more than that, God spoke directly to my heart. It got me thinking: we are called to follow Jesus’ example; Jesus is God; God is love… see where I’m going with this? There’s no denying that, as Christians, our goal is to strive to be an embodiment of the love described in this passage; and not just in romantic relationships, but ALL relationships, especially our relationships with other Christians. Then I had another thought – no wonder the world doesn’t like us. We mess this up A LOT, and we look like hypocrites. In the past year, we’ve let politics and a pandemic and other worldly things divide us. We’ve been downright ugly. Why would anybody want to follow Jesus if this is what it looks like?
It’s funny how something strikes me in application to people or Christians as a whole at first, but God always ends up pointing me in the direction of my own heart. Yeah, collectively, Christians have issues, but the solution starts in each individual’s heart. In my heart.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “patient and kind” are the first two virtues listed. I had a serious heart-to-heart with myself over this. My patience? Needs A LOT of work. My kindness? It’s usually conditional and rooted in convenience. I started thinking about all the instances throughout any given day that I have a chance to practice my patience: with my daughter (that feels like every second of every day), with my bosses, with myself, with my expectations, with people on social media, with my waiting on God to move. I decided the other day that Ineeded to be a better living example of this passage to my daughter especially – it’s vital, important work that God has given me to do. And don’t you know that as soon as I comitted to this, satan started working through my tiny girl to absolutely tear me apart. For like a day and a half I was miserable. I had lost my temper more times than I could count, I had yelled, I had overreacted. Last night after having to go back in her room at bedtime for the millionth time, I came out and just cried. I felt like a big failure. Then I opened my bible and dove into this “love passage.” God doesn’t tell us that living like this will be easy, but it’s so important.
And while we’re talking about things I need to work on, it mentions that love is not irritable… yeah, I allow myself to get irritated at the smallest things. I get irritated with other people – especially on social media. I think I need a refresher course in the whole “slow to anger” thing.
Also, as I read, I thought, “okay, I’m not resentful, moving on!” But the truth is, I am resentful. There are certain people that I feel a certain way about just because of something they did or said, even a long time ago. I do really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I learned a long time ago that slapping forever labels on people because of one instance or one conversation is so dangerous. People change, people grow, just as I have. But I know I still have so much more growing to do in this department.
I guess the biggest question I have about all this is what does it actually look like to bear, believe, and endure all things? Enduring is the easiest concept for me to understand – loving even though it’s hard, loving forever. And I guess bearing all things means helping each other carry whatever we are going through, no matter how hard. Okay, so, love believes all things. What does that mean? It seems so vague. We believe all God’s promises in regards to another person? We believe in the other person and never give up on them? Hmmm. I guess I need to think about what Jesus believes in regards to us: He believes we are worthy of love and salvation. He believes in giving us free will so that we can choose to love Him on our own. He believes that we are worthy of the responsibility of being His hands and feet.

So after diving deeper into “the love passage”, the next day, I saw it again. One of my favorite bloggers to follow, Amy Weatherly, posted the same passage with a very similar sentiment. I thanked her for the spiritual reinforcement. I don’t know her, and she probably has absolutely no idea who I am, but God used her to speak to me, to remind me of this week’s pursuit of love. Then today, someone on my Facebook posted a verse from this passage. I instantly stopped scrolling and knew that I was seeing exactly what I needed to see. I have a feeling that this pursuit of love is not just going to be this week’s theme. God seems to give me “themes”to work on in every season. Over the last few years He’s given me trust, faith, focus, and goodness to work on, just to name a few. I think this is going to be one of the big ones. I pray that my mind and heart are ready to receive the instruction He’s giving me. I pray that I go into the upcoming week with these instructions on my heart.

Called.

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-18

If ever there were a specific passage for a specific time, this is perfect for right now. Of course, it applies every day, but this is such a timely reminder of how we are called to live as Christians. I feel like in a time when we are all so self-centered and only focused on our own comfort and happiness, we need this encouragement and nudge in the right direction. My heart has been so heavy lately seeing all the hate and selfishness in this world. I know the bible warns us how evil the world is, but I’m not sure I realized the extent of it until this year. Sure, I knew evil people existed and caused their share of problems, but I think I assumed the majority of people in the world were generally good. This year has sure taught me otherwise. This year has not only forced me to see the reality of the evil that runs rampant in the world, but it has also made me greatly reevaluate my own intention and focus. It has made me take another look at my role in not only my life, but society in general. That last line of the passage gets me. The things listed are God’s will for us, it comes right out and says it. So many times I’ve felt like I didn’t know what God wanted of me, but He spells it out very plainly here.

Admonish the idle: my bible also includes the words “disorderly” and “undisciplined.” If we’re honest, we’re all a little disorderly sometimes, and God knows I’ve got a lot of work to do in the discipline department. The word “admonish” means to warn, advise, or urge (someone) earnestly. To me, this is a great reminder that we are called to keep each other accountable when it comes to our Christian walk. We are called to (in love) point out when someone is missing the mark. Likewise, we are called to be humble, so that when we are admonished by our brothers and sisters, we can keep our heart open to God’s direction, address it with grace, and make changes if necessary.

Encourage the fainthearted + help the weak: to me, this goes along with the first thing. We’re all weak sometimes. We all struggle with some thing or another. We all go astray sometimes. That’s why it’s so important to build each other up, encourage each other, and together turn back to God. We can’t do life well and be who we are called to be without each other’s love and support. We’re made for each other, just as we are made for God. Following Him is a lot easier when we have help.

Be patient with them all: whew, this is something I’m working on myself. I’ve seen so many people that I love lately be inconsiderate and selfish, hurtful out of arrogance, and just plain mean and nasty. And I’ll be the first to admit that my reaction to seeing this is not patience out of love – more often than not, it’s impatience out of anger. I need to work on that whole “slow to anger” thing. It just really gets me going when I see people mistreating other people, whatever the reason may be. And that’s where another hard concept comes in: loving the sinner while hating their sin. That’s another huge thing for another day.

Seek to do good: I love that this says, “to one another and to everyone.” We are to strive to do good to everyone – and that doesn’t just include our family, friends, and church, nor is it limited to people we like or agree with. It’s everyone.

Rejoice always + give thanks in all circumstances: God is always good. Always. Even when we don’t feel it, even when it seems our world is crumbling around us, even when it seems there is no hope in humanity anymore. God is still good, and there is always something to be thankful for if we step back and really ponder on who God is and what He’s done for us.

Pray without ceasing: talking to God through everything helps us stay focused on our calling, alert of evil and temptations around us, and keeps us in the right frame of mind. When we pray, we are more likely to see things with a heavenly perspective.

I’m not sure if God could send us a clearer message about how to treat people. I am sure that Christians as a whole are not following these instructions. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, we’re human and we’re going to mess it up. But, we also have the Holy Spirit and [ideally] each other to help us along. We should be doing better. We have work to do. I know that sounds daunting and hard and uncomfortable. I know it’s easier to just worry about ourselves. I know sometimes it feels as if it’s us against the world. But guess what? God has already overcome the world. We don’t have to. He’s gone before us and made a way for us to live as He has called us to.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

Day.

It’s 11:28 PM and I just clocked out and laid down in the bed with my rice sock, because man do I ache. Today has just been a day. It’s been Monday. I’m exhausted.

I got so much done today… and still feel so very behind. Why are there not enough hours in the day to do everything? I feel like if I excel in some aspects, others get neglected. In a typical day, these are the things that I try to make time for:

• Breakfast

• Exercise

• Laundry

• Work

• Play + read with baby girl

• Lunch

• Dishes

• Bible time

• Dinner prep

• Tidying up

• Dinner

• Put baby girl to bed

• Time with hubby

I put out Avon books (which entails driving like 20 minutes out of town and putting books in paper boxes in our old neighborhood), somehow worked SEVEN hours, and did a lot of other things mentioned above. But I didn’t get to the laundry, and I neglected my bible time. The laundry can wait, I know, but not making time to spend with God is not good at all.

My husband is the best. I know I brag on him a lot, but he deserves it. He saw that I was still trying to work when he got home, so he packed up baby girl and went to the store to grab a few things we needed so I could work in peace for a while. I had also jokingly said I was craving alfredo, so he bought the necessary ingredients to make it and cooked it for me after baby girl went to bed. I don’t know what I would do without him. He sees the dishes need doing and does them. He cooks dinner almost every night. He helps me in so many ways and is just the best partner to go through life with.

I wrote this Monday night, but life hasn’t slowed down since. Last night I clocked out at 10 PM, so that’s an improvement, right? Working from home is not as glamorous as everyone might think. For me, it’s a constant battle in my mind between feeling guilty about not spending enough time with my kid and not being the best employee I can be. Ugh.

Also, can we talk about my husband some more? That night, he made linguine alfredo, last night he made hand-breaded pan-fried cod with fresh fries and mushy peas, and tonight he’s making steak frites. What in the world did I do to deserve this man and his cooking? Yum.

Um, yummy. I’ll just leave this right here.

Beautiful.

Hubby and I had a much-needed date night tonight and I’m feeling so much better. We needed the alone time for sure. We went to see A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and it was so good. I usually avoid all together movies that I know are going to make me cry (well, almost every movie makes me cry at some point, but like, if I see “heart-warming” or “inspirational” or anything like that in a trailer, I’m out), but I had to see this movie. I loved Mr. Rogers growing up, and, hello, it’s Tom Hanks.. what’s not to love? I went in knowing that I would probably be ugly crying throughout the whole thing, so I was emotionally prepared. But, I made it like 2/3 of the movie without crying, and I thought I was doing good. Ugh, that last third will get you, watcher beware. Men crying make me cry, and that happened, so… cue the waterworks.

I haven’t really researched Fred Rogers’ life, so I don’t know exactly how accurate some of the things in the movie were, but there were several things that stuck out to me. [Stop here to avoid spoilers!] The man that’s interviewing Mr. Rogers asks him repeatedly how he handles the burden of knowing other people’s problems, and he answers with things from his show – pounding clay, playing all the low notes on the piano at once, etc. Mrs. Rogers tells him later that Fred reads scripture and prays for people by name, that he practices healthy ways to manage his feelings daily, so that he can better handle himself when things get overwhelming. What a concept. I know I’m guilty of either not caring enough about someone, because I don’t want the accompanying emotional burden, or caring but holding onto that burden until the weight of it almost breaks me. We were made to love each other. We were made to care for each other. We were made to carry one another’s burdens, but we don’t have to carry them alone or forever. We can hand them to God, knowing that He can carry anything we give Him and infinitely more.

What if we genuinely cared for people so much that we specifically prayed for them by name, that we went to God on behalf of, not just the people we see every day, but all the people that we run into and might never see again? What if we saw people for the souls they are, souls that are experiencing the ups and downs of life just like we are? Mr. Rogers had a heart for people, just as Jesus calls us to do. We could definitely all take some notes.

Another thing that stuck out to me was how present he was in each moment. Whoever he was talking to at the time was his sole focus. He told the reporter on the phone that talking to him was the most important thing he was doing in that moment. So very often, I glaze over as I go through moments. I pay just enough attention to respond. I let thoughts of what I need to do next distract my attention from what’s happening right in front of me. Mr. Rogers seemed to always be completely present, noticing emotional cues and small details about the other person that you could only understand by really focusing on them. I absolutely love that. Giving the person in front of us our full attention is such a simple way of showing God’s love to others. I really could use some work in this department. My introverted self is so focused on getting through a conversation without saying something totally awkward, that I forget about the other person. I’ve got some work to do on my intentional living.

The overall tone of the parts of the movie with Mr. Rogers was patient, calm, caring, and genuine. I couldn’t help but think how he (the real Mr. Rogers) must have shaped a lot of my personality as I was growing up. When I was a kid, I watched a lot of TV (I played a lot too…). I had my routine, certain things that I absolutely had to watch when they came on every day. Mr. Rogers was definitely one of those shows. Every day, I would watch this sweet man talk about feelings and how to handle them properly. As an emotional, sensitive person, that really resonated with me, even as a kid. My other afternoon PBS must-watch was the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. I loved how quiet and calm he was, and how he could always take a mistake and make it into something beautiful anyway. These two calm, sensitive men were a big part of my childhood and I honestly think they shaped my personality. As I’ve grown older, I’ve actually gotten more outspoken (if you know me, I know that’s hard to believe), so much more cynical, and a lot more impatient. Watching that movie made me remember how I used to be, and how far I’ve come (good and not so good). It made me remember to slow down, and remember to enjoy moments as they happen.

So, I highly recommend the movie if you haven’t seen it yet. It’s emotional, for sure, but man does it make you think. Plus, the nostalgia alone is totally worth it. On a related note – as I said, I usually try to steer clear of these kinds of movies, but there have been a couple of others that I’ve seen fairly recently that I recommend as well: Saving Mr. Banks was so good, as well as Christopher Robin. Bring a tissue. They’ll break your heart, but put it back together by the end. On the other hand, do not watch Wind River, whatever you do. It’s not worth the emotional trauma. It’s just not. I thought, “I like Jeremy Renner, it got pretty good reviews, this will be good.” Just don’t. It’s not a bad movie, but, ugh, is it so very sad.

I’m thankful for date nights where we can just focus on each other. I told hubby yesterday that a lot of times I’m so focused on being a mother, that I forget to be a wife as well. Having time to refocus on him and our relationship as husband and wife is just what I need from time to time.

Super old pic that hubby’s cousin took of us while we were dating… circa 2009. Yikes.

Me.

I haven’t written anything (besides my bible journal) in a while. I guess my recent anxiety is trying to hold on, because I just haven’t really felt like writing. I started typing out something similar to this the other night and got distracted. I just looked for it, and it was nowhere to be found – my phone deleted it. In talking with the husband, he pointed out that someone (ahem, satan) doesn’t want me writing. I’ve had an excuse why I shouldn’t or don’t want to the last several times I have sat down to do it. I was talking to him just now about it, waved my arms around (as I often do while talking… what can I say? I’m animated) and completely tossed my phone across the room as a loud, thunderous echo resounded through the house and down the hall to where I’m sure my sleeping toddler could hear. I literally started crying. A) because that proved right what he had just said… there have been so many distractions and emotional setbacks over the past few weeks that have prevented me from writing, and B) because I was stinking embarrassed. I’m a spaz, and I’ll be the first to admit it, but GOOD GRIEF. So, I guess I’ll just write. Whether I know what I’m going to say or not, whether I think it’s good or not. I’ve got to start again somewhere.

For those of you following my health, some new things have happened. Keep in mind: I am thirty one years old. I finally visited a primary care physician for the first time in my adult life. My blood pressure during my visit was through the roof, and the nurse practitioner I saw didn’t like it at all. We discussed a few options, and landed on a low dose of beta blockers. She said that not only would it help my blood pressure, but also my anxiety and migraines. So, I’ve been taking those for about a week and a half, and I have been checking my own blood pressure at home at least once a day. I’ve been told that I have white coat syndrome before, and I know that is a lot of why my blood pressure is high when I go to the doctor. I get so worked up about it… I even freak out using the machine at the grocery store. I don’t know what my problem is… I told my mom the other day that it hurts my arm, and I think that is part of the reason I get so upset – because I’m anticipating the pain. She said that it doesn’t hurt her, but that my granny used to always say the same thing – that it hurt. So, I’ve been taking it a lot lately, trying to desensitize myself to the cuff. The other day, I took it five times in a row because it was a little higher than it had been at first. I got it down substantially just by doing it over and over again – it literally went down a little every time. So, that’s where I am… constantly being aware of my heart rate and taking a “grandma dose” of blood pressure medication, as my nurse practitioner called it. I’m going to get labs done to recheck my cholesterol (fasting this time) and some other things this week. Then I will go back for a more comprehensive physical at the end of the month. It’s been so long since I have seen a doctor, I have a huge list of concerns… she’ll probably think I’m a hypochondriac. And she’ll probably be right. Everytime I have a random pain in my arms or legs, I pretty much convince myself that it’s a blood clot or that I’m getting ready to have a stroke. Yeah, that definitely helps my anxiety… The other night, I had sharp pains from my rib cage, up into my chest, and down my arm. I was pretty convinced I was having a heart attack. Then the husband pushed on my stomach, I let out a huge belch, everything shifted a little, and I realized it was probably just a gas bubble pressing on a nerve or something. Ugh.

Some other random thoughts:

Baby girl’s favorite word is “no” at the moment and she will disagree with whatever you say, it doesn’t matter what it is. She liked Halloween, but a boy in one of those blow-up dinosaur costumes really made her day. She keeps talking about it whenever anybody asks her about Halloween, and the last two nights, we’ve thanked God for dinosaurs in our prayers. She kills me. She’s also been very clingy the last few days. And as much as l love to hear her say, “cuddle mama,” I do have a job that I sort of have to do some of the time. It killed me this past week when I was working, and she kept coming over to my desk and saying, “mama play with you [me]?” How can I say no to that? How do work at home parents get work done? My job is only part time, and my new normal the last few weeks has been finishing up my work after she goes to bed (which, by the way, annoyingly cuts into husband time). Balance is hard. I feel guilty when I’m actually productive for work, because that usually means that baby girl has been left to entertain herself for hours, or has been dragged all over creation with me in the car. I also feel guilty when I spend the day with her, because I feel like I’m not contributing enough financially to our family. Mom guilt is rough.

A screen shot of a typical time sheet for me. Clocked in 12 hours, only worked less than five. A lot of times, it’s even less.

Baby girl and I have gotten back to taking morning walks. I love getting to spend the time with her, starting our day exploring outside, and getting in a small workout for me. Twice around our neighborhood is about a mile, and I know that’s not much. But, out of shape me works up a sweat and gets a couple thousand steps in. I figure that’s better than nothing.

Love our morning walks, even if we have to bundle up quite a bit now that the weather is chillier.

Well, now that I’ve broken the ice again, maybe I’ll get back to writing more regularly. I don’t know what kind of writing funk I’m in, but it can go away now. I’ll probably post a bible journal entry or two next time. I have several earmarked that I felt were important to share.

Good things.

In going through my journal, I’m starting to see a new theme that God keeps putting in front of me. I’m still trying to find, process, and order everything, so here’s a short but sweet little journal entry for your Sunday night from this past Monday:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

I feel like this is pretty straightforward and doesn’t require a whole lot of contemplation. It’s simple – we are called to focus on the good things, the things from God. As I was writing this out, I had a thought: what if instead of looking for others’ mistakes and waiting for them to stumble just to point it out, as the world does, we looked for something good? What if we went out of our way to point out what someone is good at, what their talents are? What if we made a point to find something positive in whoever or whatever is in front of us? When we’re in that kind of mindset, I think it would be so much easier not only to see our own blessings, but also to be a blessing to someone else.

Rollercoaster.

This week. This week has been a week. Last night, I contemplated on this week, trying to look back and see my blessings. Monday started like this:

I’m trying to decompress from this day, and I’m just not sure how to do it. Besides the two loads of dishes I ran in the dishwasher, I got absolutely nothing done. I’m completely exhausted. This kid of mine is going through something, and I pray to God it’s just a phase. I think she’s testing her free will, but I wish she would just stop. Every other thing I ask her to do is answered with, “no,” the last few days, and I’m not handling it well. This morning, me asking her to clean up her blocks turned into a huge fight, and I ended up screaming at my child. The worst part, to me, is that none of it phased her. Speaking sternly did nothing. Physically picking her up and putting her in front of the blocks was apparently hysterical. Me raising my voice was also funny. Me swatting her bottom was a game. I finally just screamed. I was so mean. She jumped and finally started crying. I immediately felt terrible and started sobbing as well. It was awful. I left the room for a minute to compose myself, and left her just standing there crying. When I came back, I was more sad than mad, and just scooped her up and hugged her. I tried to explain to her that it makes mama sad when she says, “no,” to me and doesn’t listen. We cuddled a bit, I was trying to defuse the situation. After I thought we had both calmed down, I tried again to get her to put the blocks away. She started doing everything but that again, and I did not want a repeat of what had just happened. I tried telling her that it was almost lunchtime; that didn’t really matter to her. I finally gave up and just let her roam around her room for a few minutes, stalling. It really was lunchtime now, and I was wondering how stubborn she was really going to be about it all. She finally looked at me and said, “eat?” I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes. So, she picked up all her blocks and put them away… it had to be her idea, not something I was telling her to do. Ugh.

Is it because she is a mini version of me and I know exactly what she’s thinking when she acts like this that I get so very angry? She’s pushing limits, resisting authority. I get it, I do it too, just most of the time it’s in a much more passive (sometimes passive-aggressive) way. I understand the desire to do the exact opposite of what someone tells me to do, simply because they told me to do it. I understand getting defensive when someone tries to tell me they know what’s best for me. But for goodness sakes, she’s ONE AND A HALF. Should she even feel like this yet? Or does she simply just not want to clean up her toys. Maybe I’m projecting.

We tried on this bathing suit for vacation Tuesday night, and she was very adamant about wearing it the rest of the night… I think she was perfecting her Fancy Nancy look with those socks.

Then yesterday, I was just anxious all day. Like heart racing, body trembling, feeling of dread, edge of a full-blown anxiety attack kind of anxious, and I don’t even know why. I told my hubby last night – usually when I get like that, I have an idea (even if it’s somewhat vague) of what is stressing me out; I usually kind of know what exactly has me feeling that way. Not yesterday. I was seemingly having a physiological response to nothing. I still don’t know what had me so upset.

Today was pretty good. We all slept in a few extra minutes, baby girl woke up in a very good mood and stayed that way all day, and I’ve just generally felt better. It’s really been a pretty good day.

We’ll see about Saturday. In baby girl’s babbling earlier, I clearly heard her say, “doughnut ‘morrow,” so we’ll see how thoroughly disappointed she is in the morning that there aren’t any doughnuts… I know I’m already pretty disappointed about it.

Even after this week, I’m so very thankful that the “mundane, everyday” stuff is all we have to worry about. Life could be, and has been before, much more complicated. Work hasn’t been very demanding this week, and I’m so very grateful for that. With that being said, I am still mentally exhausted. I need a vacation.