Tag: Toddlers

Hello again.

Um, hi. It’s been a really long time since I made a post. Like, almost three months. I’ve not really had anything to say. I’ve been claiming to be “busy,” but now that I think about it, that’s not really true. Work is pretty slow and I’m in “catch up on background work mode,” which most days actually looks like “it’s nothing too urgent so I’ll play with my daughter instead mode.” I’ve been trying to just be more present, to keep my priorities straight, to put people before stuff, to live in the moment. But I’ve also not been going to the Word every day and as much I try not to base the quality of my faith on quantity of time in the word, I can’t help feeling guilty. I feel like if I’m going to be speaking to you on matters of faith, mine should probably be pretty solid. But honestly, my faith is a little shaky right now and it is all my fault. And I know it. So, I’ve felt like I didn’t “deserve” to come to you all. I know that’s not good either. I know I should lean on my friends and family in Christ during times like these. We all struggle. I know. I’ve told other people the exact same spiel. Uuuggghh. Accountability is hard. And I literally said to my husband the other night that I feel like exactly zero people care about what I have to say. Why would they? I’m just me. But then the very next day, God gently reminded me through someone I don’t even know that no matter how many people He puts in front of me, whether it’s thousands or just a handful, they are my calling. And so I must be obedient.

Anyway, even though the last few months haven’t necessarily been that busy, they’ve been hard. My husband had an especially frustrating and mentally exhausting time at work for a few weeks in there. I’ve been trying to be there for him, to be supportive. Something has to change. You all, we both feel like we’re supposed to work together. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it feels like it’s right around the corner. We’re both dragging our feet about it because we’re both a little scared, and we haven’t really gone to God about it together like I feel like we should. Pray for us, y’all. Change, even change that I want, absolutely terrifies me. All I know is that we both want to put family first, and the way things are right now, that makes it so hard to do. I’m so exhausted from feeling guilty about who is going to get the best of me on any given day. I feel like someone, whether it’s my husband or my daughter or my mom or my bosses or my friends or other family, always gets “end-of-my-rope stretched-too-thin” me. And that’s not fair to anyone. I feel like I’m in survival mode.

My husband and I went to a concert to celebrate our anniversary a couple of weeks ago. We drove to Florence, KY and stayed at the hotel where we stayed on our wedding night. (Neither of us really remembered the hotel very much even when we got there, haha. We were so tired on our wedding night and had to be at the airport the next day. It was all a blur.) We made a dinner reservation at The Melting Pot because we used to celebrate there all the time, but our local one closed. We had a wonderful fondue dinner and dessert, and I drank coffee after dinner because the opening act at the concert wasn’t going to start until 8 PM and mama had to stay awake. We drove to the venue and when we entered they were very strict about checking IDs and vaccination cards. That made me feel better. But, it wasn’t a socially distanced show, so the seats were full. I told my husband I was glad that we didn’t get lower arena seats, because they were all first come first serve and everyone was crowded around the stage. Luckily, two seats were empty in our row, so we got an empty seat on each side of us. But there were people directly behind and in front of us. I was a bit overwhelmed. I hadn’t been in a crowd like that for probably over two years. The only thing that made me feel better was that it was an amphitheater, so we had [a tiny bit of] fresh air blowing through the whole time. But it was such a good show. If you’ve never heard of Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats, look them up. It’s such a unique, vintage sound. And they put on a great show that was only the slightest bit rowdy, haha. We were pooped when we made it back to the hotel. The next morning we ate breakfast, checked out, then spent the afternoon at IKEA. We bought way more than we went for, but oh well… I got to eat Swedish meatballs.

On the way home I was talking to my husband about how much I appreciate these trips. This is the third little getaway that we’ve been able to have over the last year with just the two of us and I’m so thankful that we are blessed to be able to do so. We were walking through IKEA and I kept saying how much I missed our daughter. The same kid who the day before had me smiling through gritted teeth so that I wouldn’t lose my cool, I was missing terribly after less than 24 hours. These resets are so good for my soul. The time (truly) alone with my husband is so good for our relationship, not only as husband and wife, but also as friends. The time away from my daughter gets me out of the everyday and gives me perspective. The break in the monotony (as much as I actually like monotony) nourishes my body more than you can imagine. Just being somewhere different, seeing different places, even just for a day, is so refreshing to me. I love exploring with my husband – it’s one of my absolute favorite things. By myself? Not so much. At some point, traffic was terrible (if you live in Cincinnati or have visited, like, ever, you know that they are always working on the road somewhere), he looked at me and asked, “You up for an adventure?” He likes to find back ways to get where we’re going and sometimes they work and sometimes we get lost for a while. I smiled at him and said, “Will you be there?” He said, “Well, of course,” and I said, “Always.” I will always be down for an adventure with that man. ❤


As much as I love these trips, and as good as they are for my soul, I had a thought today. Sure, road trips, time away, concerts, good food, they can make me feel better for a while. But where do I turn when I’m in the trenches of everyday life? How do I fill my cup when I’m tired, when I’ve fought with my toddler all day, when the laundry hasn’t been folded and put away for longer than I care to admit? How do I get refreshed when there’s no getaway or vacation? God is there. He’s there all the time. His promises to me are the same as they were that day while I was riding in the car with my husband, and the same as they will be tomorrow as I’m filling up the dishwasher. God’s love for me is there. God’s peace is given to me freely every single day. God’s refuge and renewal is available to me every single second of my life. You all, do we really grasp that? I don’t think we do, or we wouldn’t strive so hard for “the next thing.” Life is hard enough as it is. Why do we insist on making it harder by trying to do things on our own?

Y’all, let’s be so incredibly thankful for the small (and big things) in this life that give our bodies and minds a reset, but let’s be infinitely more grateful for the One who can give our souls a supernatural peace and rest. Without Him, we are absolutely nothing.

When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 94:18+19

Reading

Last week, our daughter’s behavior was pretty atrocious. Now, I will concede that her behavior is normal, maybe even slightly better than most three year olds most days. I am reminded of that when we (rarely) go out in public. However, for her, she’s been crazy.

On a typical day, she watches three thirty minute shows – one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at snack. Sometimes she opts to forgoe one of those and have tablet time during the day instead. I don’t know how we got into the habit of watching so much TV, and you don’t have to lecture me about the dangers of associating television and food… I know 🤦‍♀️ … I never let her watch more than that, though. Except on weekend mornings, when we watch a movie at breakfast as a family. This past weekend, we talked her into watching The Emperor’s New Groove, which is one of my favorite movies. It’s rated G, so I didn’t think much of it. But, I never realized how many stinkin’ times that movie says, “kill,” “dead,” “die,” and more. My little sweet girl has purposely been sheltered from the phenomenon of death, because she’s so smart and inquisitive and I would never hear the end of the questions. I really don’t think she would be able to sleep trying to understand the concept. This mama’s just not ready to talk about that yet. So, her behavior had already been questionable, and when she yelled, “I’m going to kill you!” at me on Sunday (something she heard on the movie), I knew something had to change. I had already limited the kids’ shows she could even watch, because certain ones made her behavior noticeably worse. So, on Monday, I told her she could only watch one episode for the whole day and she could pick between three shows that I approved. I ended up talking her into reading at breakfast. We read through her whole Bible story book while we ate, and had some great conversations about God. After breakfast, she was the sweetest kid – helpful, polite – there was an immediate difference in her behavior. She was good all morning. She ended up listening to music at lunch time and had a good nap after that. She woke up from nap, and I expected her to ask for a show with her snack. Instead, she asked if we could eat on the front porch. Of course I said yes, and we had a little picnic on the porch. When we were finished eating, she asked if we could play outside. I told her that I still had some work to do, but that she could sit on the porch and play with some toys while I worked (I can see the porch from where I sit to work.) So we went in her room to get some toys, and she got so excited and said, “What if I take a bunch of books to read instead?” I agreed that would be great, and we carried one whole shelf-ful of books to the porch. She sat on her “picnic blanket” and read her books and was still there when my husband got home from work. The sight of her reading and reading just absolutely warmed my heart. She had a couple of pre-bedtime meltdowns, but nothing like she has had lately. Yesterday and today, she’s watched her one show and that’s it. She’s so much sweeter, and mama is in a much better mood, too.

My little reader 💕 This makes my heart so happy.

I understand why parents plop their kids in front of the the TV, I really do – it’s easy and convenient. But, in our case, it was actually making life more difficult because it was affecting her behavior, and in turn, my behavior. Everything was an argument. Her attitude was terrible. We relate to each other so much better when we are able to share morning reading time and when we are both in a better mood. This has worked wonders this week. I pray we don’t ever fall into the habit of so much TV again. Like I said, I don’t even know how that happened. I swore I wouldn’t be that mom, and when she was younger, we really didn’t let her watch that much. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that cutting out or significantly lowering screen time is a fix-all for behavior issues, because I know it’s not. However, I would recommend trying it! It’s worked wonders over here. Hang in there mamas (and daddies!), parenting is so hard and is such a balance. I’m rooting for you, and more importantly, praying for you. You’ve got this, and so do I.

Routine.


This kid had a blast this Easter weekend getting to see people she hasn’t in forever, eating more candy and sweets than she’s normally allowed, and staying up way past bedtime. This mama was and is stressed out because she has a sleep-deprived, sugared up, out-of-routine three year old. Whew.
The balance is so hard. I feel like people think I’m too strict, that I expect too much from her, that I don’t let her have enough fun. But, I’m trying to raise a person. I’m trying to raise a human being who isn’t obsessed with consumerism, who appreciates the simple things, who doesn’t expect anything to be handed to her on a silver platter. I’m trying to raise a woman who knows how to do things for herself, who works hard, who is respectful of others, and who knows how to enjoy things in moderation.


I think most people think, “Well, she’s just three, let her be a kid.” And I do, I promise. But childhood is when kids learn how to be mentally healthy, functional, productive adults. If we don’t teach them the healthy way to interact with their world, in a way they currently understand, they’ll be left to figure it out on their own. I’m building her foundation. I’m planting the seeds. Mamas, it’s important work that God has given us to do. Plus, discipline, structure, and saying “no” from time to time, makes our lives as parents easier in the long run. I promise. It’s hard in the moment, but consistency is key. It will pay off.
So, when our “consistency” goes out the window (2020 anyone?) it makes me nervous. It takes us DAYS to get back into our routine and for her to get back to normal. I know there are going to be times when things happen that are beyond my control (again, I say, 2020 anyone?) and there are obviously times- like holidays, birthdays, etc.- that will make exceptions and be more lax. Because I also want her to love to celebrate. We’re big everyday celebrators over here. But, ugh, it makes me nervous. Like I said, the balance is so hard.

Well, there’s my parenting rant. This thing started out as a caption to an Instagram photo, but, I’m me and I get long-winded. Don’t ask me something and expect a short or straight to the point answer… I’m going to tell you all the things – things you didn’t ask about, things that this thing reminded me of, things I’m feeling about the thing you asked me about, random things I think of, and maybe I’ll tell you the thing you wanted to know in the first place. Maybe. I’m an over-explainer and an over-sharer. And then I’ll have anxiety about it all because I was annoying and talked too much. And I’ll probably agonize over it for months. So there’s that peek into my brain. See: over-sharer.

The days.

Motherhood is the absolute weirdest thing. When I first became a mama, I swear I really couldn’t see an end to the constant nursing sessions, the worry over the duration and frequency of my baby’s sleep, the continual state of fatigue. I thought I was miserable. I thought I wanted my life back. I’ve briefly mentioned before that I probably had some PPD for a few months after my daughter was born. I was not a nice person. My emotions were all over the place, the lack of sleep was just making me mean, and I felt like a milk-making shell of my former self. I vividly remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror the day we came home from the hospital and literally jumping with fright because I did not recognize the person looking back at me. I thought I physically looked like a different person. It was probably a combination of post natal weight loss (I lost like 19 pounds that first couple of weeks after only gaining 14 with the baby), hormones, and residual drug hangover from the almost full-body anesthesia I received during my c-section. Whatever it was, it was the weirdest feeling in the world. I just felt like I wasn’t me. Those first few months were a whirlwind, but they also seemed to drag on forever.
I was thinking about this the other day, how each week was a milestone with a new baby, and seven more days felt like an eternity. Each week seemed like it brought so much change with her, and she grew so fast. Every week, every month, felt like a birthday. In the span of her short life on earth so far, a month was pretty much her whole life. It was like time was soooo slow those first few months while I was in them, but now looking back, they felt fast. It’s funny how we remember things differently after the fact than how they felt at the time. Is this some sort of God-given gift (curse?) so that we won’t remember how horrible it was and do it again? I’ve heard many women talk about this phenomenon. In John 16:21, Jesus says, “When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.” It’s always been a thing. When I got to the hospital after my water broke, the nurses were working on me and talking to me, and I looked at my husband, terrified, and said, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I changed my mind.” It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. No amount of reading, talking with people, learning, could have really prepared me for what I was getting ready to experience. I was terrified. And yet, women have been doing the exact same thing since the beginning. And they’ve had sorrow because their hour has come, just like I did. And then they forgot all about that when their tiny, precious human life is in their hands.

Not the photo that prompted this post, but I still look happy in this one too!

Anyway, this whole post started because I recently saw a picture of myself holding my sweet girl, who was only a few months old. If you had asked me at the time that picture was taken, I would have told you I had never been more miserable in my life. I was tired, I was constantly worried about everything, I hated breastfeeding (which made me feel terrible, persistent guilt), I had no clue who I was outside of feeding, changing, and sleeping. Sure, I loved my sweet girl more than anything, but I was miserable. But looking at myself in that picture, I’ve never looked happier. Now that I look back, I long for that feeling of being needed every second of every day. I miss being able to fully nourish my child with my own body. I was so happy and I didn’t even know it. I know that makes zero sense, and to someone who’s not a mama, it may be incomprehensible. But that’s what motherhood is. And I suspect it’s still happening. I said the other day that I know these are the “good old days.” I know I’ll long for these days again, just as I long for those first miserable moments of motherhood. Even though right now it feels like I’m dredging through the days, I’ll realize I was happy. Ugh, it’s so hard. Really living in the moment is so hard. Appreciating what we have right now is sometimes so hard. But if we want to live a joyful life, it’s exactly what we need to do. Choosing joy is the hard thing, but the best thing.

Edited to add that as I reread this post to publish it tonight, I needed the reminder. Sweet girl has had some especially rough days recently – she’s been obstinate, rude, forgotten her manners, yelled, skipped naps, gone to bed late… all the things. These are the days, even when they are hard.

Mom guilt.


The mom guilt today is real. I usually spend all day every day with my sweet girl, but the last two mornings, I’ve had appointments and errands in the morning, and she has stayed at the house with my mom. I work from home, and I always struggle with balance, but today it was about to send me over the edge. She, for whatever reason, didn’t take a nap. She laid in there for over an hour just playing and talking, and yelling at me every thirty minutes or so needing water or her blanket fixed or to tell me she loved me. I know she was having trouble sleeping, and I felt bad. But, I never truly understand how much I appreciate nap time until she doesn’t take a nap. My nerves were absolutely shot. I was trying to eat my lunch and get some work done, and just hearing her in there absolutely wound up was stressing me out. At some point, she wanted to get up, but it was like thirty minutes until nap time is usually over. I tried to explain to her that she had to just lay there and be quiet until it was time. She just kept yelling for me to come back, getting increasingly whiny and obstinate. You all, I snapped. I yelled. I stomped. I acted like a toddler. I had to leave the room and compose myself before I went back in. I scooped her up and held her in her chair. I told her I was sorry that she was having trouble falling asleep, and I apologized for losing my temper. She apologized for not being nice to me. And despite the fact that I was stressed about only having done exactly five minutes of work, I just sat there and let her lay on me. We both calmed down, and we just cuddled until it was time to get up. I don’t know if she was just feeling like she hadn’t seen me much lately or what, but that was what we both needed. This afternoon was the same old, “mama, will you play with me?” “In a few minutes, baby, mama has to finish her work.” Sprinkled with potty breaks, reaching a book off the tall shelf every five minutes, her handing me pretend paintings that she has “made”, and some general distractions. When I finally came to a stopping point with my work (I swear, I never actually finish) we went outside and played. That was nice, and I feel like we both felt better after that. Ugh, guys. How am I supposed to do it all? Be present, be productive, keep the house clean, the dishes and the laundry done, exercise, plan and eat healthy meals, read my bible, spend time in prayer, carve out time for my friends, spend time on my side gig, have “me time” (hahaha), pay the bills, keep things organized?? There aren’t enough hours in the week. Oh yeah.. and I should probably take a shower in there somewhere.. I’m tired.
Today had good and bad moments, like all days, but those bad moments sure did beat the crap out of me today. She went to bed knowing she is safe and loved, and I know that’s all that matters. But, I’d so like to do better at the in between stuff too. I’d like to set a better example of how to react to things. I’d like to show her love and grace better. I’d also like to pee in peace and have a nap. Mama life is hard sometimes. Okay, all the time. But the (rare) hugs and kisses make it worth it. The joy on her face when she does something she likes to do is worth it. The wisdom in her tiny little head is worth it. And the hours upon hours we spend reading books is worth it. She is so worth it.
Also, my husband is amazing and supports me in every way possible. He helps with the dishes, does most of the cooking, comes home and plays with our daughter while I finish up work. He is so helpful and I couldn’t do this crazy life without him ❤
On a completely unrelated and shallow note, my bed is a mess (see photo) and it needs help. I think the price of throw pillows is outrageous, and my husband doesn’t really understand the purpose of them. To him, they are just something that he has to take off before getting in the bed. But, you all, I want our bedroom, especially our bed, to be cozier and more inviting. Any tips?

Real.

I wrote this a few nights ago with the intention of posting, but I had a horrible headache went to bed instead. I still thought it needed to be shared.

Last night, I posted some pictures on Facebook with the caption “perfect night.” I was going to post this one on Instagram with a similar caption, but my app crashed and I forgot about it until much later.

Last night was really good. Our little family took a walk together, the weather was amazing, the sunset was gorgeous, my husband built a fire in the fire pit, we had s’mores, and did some sparklers leftover from the 4th of July just because. We came in, did all the bedtime things with baby girl, got her to sleep, and my husband and I watched an entire movie in one sitting – something that rarely happens anymore. Those are the kinds of things that most people post about on social media.

Gorgeous sunset!

I started this blog because I wanted to be real with you all. I wanted to put not only the good, but the bad and ugly of our life out there as well so that someone else wouldn’t feel so alone. No one’s life is as picture perfect as they put on social media, so don’t you dare for a minute think it is. What I didn’t post about was the fact that our daughter has been in trouble off and on all week, has had THE WORST time transitioning from pooping in diapers to in the potty, had slept poorly the night before, and didn’t take her usual nap at all yesterday.

My daughter woke up with a blood curdling scream last night as my husband and I were going to bed that scared me to death. She had been a little fussy when I laid her down, complaining that she wanted to cuddle me more even though we had already had her cuddle time. But, she didn’t fuss long and went to sleep. But, it was like she woke up, remembered she was mad, and just got madder. Our kid sometimes. She scares me with the anger that is in her tiny body. She screamed and clung to me for what felt like a half an hour before I realized that she wasn’t in fact hurt or sick, just plain mad. I tried so hard to be patient and reassuring, and I was the first ten times she screamed in my face, whined, kicked, and screamed. But, at some point, I lost it. I yelled back, she pushed me, and I swatted her bottom. I held her so tightly, trying to physically contain all the anger in her body. And then I felt awful for losing my temper. She’s so well-spoken and smart that I forget she’s not even three years old yet. I forget that she’s feeling big emotions and does not know how to control them yet. I forget that she doesn’t know how to react the way I am expecting her to. I started crying and couldn’t stop then- like awful, ugly cry sobs. She kind of calmed down and asked if I was okay. We talked about how when she acts like that, it upsets mama. I apologized to her for losing my temper, she told me she loved me and I reassured her that I loved her too. She calmed down and agreed to lay back down. I still think she thought it was almost time to get up, because she said, “I will go back to sleep for a few minutes until daddy’s alarm goes off.” She slept until 7 this morning, though, so whatever. Today brought more complete meltdowns and timeout. But, she did take a nap and then pooped in the potty. After that, it was like a new kid. I know things are weird and it’s really messing with her. The time change really threw her off too. Even though we tried to adjust her gradually that week before, she is still freaked out about it getting dark before she lays down now. She always says, “I’m staying up too late!” when the sun starts setting. I know she’s just two… I just forget sometimes.

So, the perfect, tiny glimpse of life I posted on Facebook was just that, a tiny piece of what had actually been going on in our lives. You all, nobody’s life is picture perfect all the time. Everybody’s life looks like a crazy mess, most people just don’t usually choose to share that part. I try so hard to remember this – to remember that I have no idea what’s going on in others’ lives. All I know is what they choose to share.

Refreshed.

You visit the earth and water it; you greatly enrich it; the river of God is full of water; you provide their grain, for so you have prepared it. You water its furrows abundantly, settling in its ridges, softening it with showers, and blessing its growth.

Psalm 65:9+10

I have a weird relationship with water, which is a strange thing to say, but bear with me. I don’t like being wet; swimming is definitely not my favorite; I’m not a fan of being in the ocean; I don’t like going out on boats; bridges and ferries make me uncomfortable; I even get motion sickness at the aquarium. But, I do love to watch water. I love to sit and watch rain fall – I love the smell and the sound of it – rain makes me happy; I like hearing the ocean, the waves crashing in the distance; I love watching water rush over rocks in a creek; and I generally prefer water over anything else to drink [besides coffee of course, but you make that with water…so I’m thinking that still counts] I honestly feel like water quenches my thirst better than anything. I realized at some point in my life that I’m drawn to instances where God uses water to draw us closer to Him. Songs like “All My Fountains” by Chris Tomlin, “Oceans” by Hillsong, and more recently “In the River” by Jesus Culture seem to speak more deeply to me. Maybe it’s because one of my deepest fears is drowning. Not being able to breath in general is at the top of my list. When it’s not being able to breathe because there’s water… terrifying.

This Lifehouse song is [yeah, I know, super old] one of those songs that resonates with me every time I hear it. I always picture Peter stepping out of the boat completely focused on Jesus, only to get distracted and fall into the depths of the water. I love the reminder that Jesus is always there to catch us when we fall.

Anyway, this passage of scripture caught my attention from so many angles. I love the notion that God rains down showers upon us and quenches our thirst, He enriches us, He makes us productive, He settles into our souls that He has carefully prepared, He softens us, and He blesses us. Baby girl and I have been trying our hand at caring for an herb garden over the last few weeks. It’s always amazing to me what a little water and sun can produce. We have more basil than we know what to do with, the oregano that was barely started when we received the garden has taken off and grown so much, and the dill is so much bigger than it already was. The imagery of God watering us just hit in a different way than it has before. I understood that I am like that little herb, and God’s loving care showers down on me and helps me grow. I’ve grown a lot from where I started, and God can grow me even more.

This morning was superficially hard. Nothing major happened, but a bunch of minor annoyances made me lose sight of my purpose for today. [Side note: baby girl had a series of several weeks where she just woke up cranky and stayed that way all day. She was defiant and just plain mean. I decided I needed to help set a better example of gratefulness, especially in the mornings. So, we started doing what I call a “thankful board.” Each morning as she eats her breakfast, we read a story out of her Bible book, then make a list of three things we are thankful for. Sometimes she says things that are right in front of her (milk, doughnuts, etc.), which is fine. But sometimes she pulls stuff from nowhere and leaves me astounded. One morning, she said she was thankful for her eyes. The other day, she came up with “breath.” Long side note – sorry] So this morning baby girl woke up grumpy and didn’t want to do her thankful board. I was trying to keep my cool and encourage her, and she finally decided we would do it. We read the Bible story about Jonah and then I asked what she was thankful for. She said “nothing,” and didn’t want to do it. I told her that was okay and that I would write down some things I was thankful for instead. Then she said, “no, no, I want to do it!” She immediately listed off, seemingly out of nowhere, “water, singing birds, and letters!” The water could have been from the Jonah story, but she hadn’t said anything about it before that moment. Anyway, that was my first “water hint” of the day. As the day went on and those minor annoyances I mentioned compounded, I could feel myself getting more nervous, anxious, and on edge. I was also physically thirsty. I kept hearing this still, small voice whisper that I needed to be “refreshed.” That particular word is not one that I generally think to use, so it was strange to me that it kept popping into my head. I had just laid baby girl down for a nap, started a cup of coffee, and turned on The Dick Van Dyke Show (my go-to feel-good show) when I felt a nagging. I will admit that I didn’t listen to it right away. I watched an episode and and finished my coffee, but my bible was sitting in front of me on the coffee table, just waiting to be opened. When I finally reached and grabbed it, I decided that I needed a pick-me-up, so I turned to Psalms. This passage jumped out at me. I read it, and the day’s “theme” just made complete sense. I did feel refreshed. I felt renewed. My attitude completely changed. I’m so incredibly thankful for the way God works. I love the gentle reminders and loving nudges He sends us through the Holy Spirit. And I’m always in awe of how He can use something in His word that I’ve read before to speak to me in a completely new way.

Tithe

Last week was a crazy week. This week has been much more calm, and I’ve had some time to process. So, it all started two weekends ago, actually, when a car that we normally couldn’t afford showed up at my husband’s work (he works in the automotive industry) in exactly our price range. We had been discussing needing a new one in the near future – ours has the possibility of some transmission issues and our extended warranty has expired. We’ve always had issues with the air conditioning not being cool enough, and there’s no rear A/C, so it takes baby girl forever to cool down in the backseat in the summer. Plus, the paint looks awful (and I know that doesn’t affect how well the car drives, but it literally looks like I drove through an acid hail storm.) I did not think, however, we would be thinking about purchasing another one so soon. Anyway, this car turns up and it checks all the boxes on my “must-have” list for a new car: heated seats (we had these in a previous car and I miss them so much), heated mirrors, rear heating and air, and enough room for all our stuff – especially the mound of stuff we take on vacation with us. My husband inquired about the car and turns out, it was priced that low by mistake, but they’re willing to honor it. Well, that seemed too perfect. So, that night he and I discussed it, then I prayed about it before bed. I had a very clear dream that night that I asked God for a sign that we should buy this car, and He provided it. But, still clearer in my dream, God told me to give Him what was His first. We’ve been spotty tithers the last few years. At first, I blamed it on the new baby, then “mom brain” made me forget, but somewhere along the way I let it become of little importance in my mind. I’d give when I remembered, and sometimes not even then because we had extra bills that month or whatever. You don’t have to give me a tithing sermon, I know deep in my soul the importance of giving God back what He so graciously gives us. I just let it become a wedge. It kept separating me further and further from God’s plan for my life. It wasn’t good. Then a few months ago, hubby told me that our church was now doing automatic withdrawal for tithing. I know, it sounds sort of cold, but it was exactly the commitment and accountability I needed. I wanted to give, I just either let it slip my mind, or rationalized my way out of it when it came time to actually do it. I was not a “cheerful giver.” He and I both agreed that this was something we needed to do, but, again, for whatever reason, we hadn’t done it yet. So, when I had my dream, I knew exactly what we needed to do before anything else. Sunday we got the form and set up our tithes to be withdrawn from our account automatically.

Monday was incredibly warm for a February day. Our hot water had been running out pretty quickly for some time, so hubby went to Lowe’s and got an element to change out to see if that helped. Baby girl and I had already played outside, but daddy was going and she wanted to go too. I really had more work I needed to do, but I put it off until later and took her back outside (a 10 or 11 PM clock out time is pretty normal for me anymore.) Hubby got under the house and started working on the water heater. He came out a few minutes later and told me that the whole bottom of the unit had rusted out, and there was no way to fix it. My mind immediately started spinning. We had talked about, down the road that included a home improvement loan, putting in a tankless water heater. I start trying to figure out how to make something work, but my head just kept getting fuzzy. Too. Much. Big. Decision. Making. We talked about calling a plumber we know and discussing our options with him, but it was already like 5 PM, and it was supposed to rain the rest of the week. Hubby ended up finding a tank that would fit in our short crawlspace in stock at Lowe’s, so he went off to get that while I fed baby girl dinner. He got home and started working while I put baby girl to bed. I finally went out to check on him and I felt so helpless. I asked what I could do to help, and he said, “just keep me company.” There was a lot of crawling around in the dirt under the house, turning on faucets, and walking back and forth through the yard. My sweet husband was under the house on his hands and knees in the dark working so hard so that we could have hot water. He’s literally the best.

Tuesday morning baby girl woke up a few minutes earlier than usual screaming her head off. She had a stuffy nose, but other than that seemed fine. She ate a few bites of breakfast and said she was done. As the morning went on, I could tell she was congested. I called the pediatrician to find out the correct dosage for some benadryl, and we turned the shower on really hot and sat in the steamy bathroom for a while. When we got out, she really started acting pitiful. I could hear that she had some drainage in her throat, and she ended up gagging on it and throwing up. I thought that was all it was, but she ended up vomiting about 10 times throughout the day. She couldn’t keep anything down.

Wednesday she was almost more pitiful because you could tell she felt better enough to want to play, but she didn’t have the energy to. She barely ate all day, but did eat a fairly good dinner. We sat on the couch and cuddled most of the day.

Thursday she was much more like herself, with only a few pitiful moments in between. She still hardly ate anything. That morning I had so much energy. I changed the sheets and washed the dirty ones, started straightening up a spot in our bedroom that has been a mess since we moved here, did more laundry, did some proactive and productive things for work, did the dishes, and just straightened up anything else out of place along the way. I was so stinking productive. I was sitting on the couch working when baby girl woke up from her nap. I went to get up, and I noticed I was kind of sore all over. My throat had been a little scratchy that morning, but I figured it was sleeping with my mouth open. That afternoon, I could feel constant drainage running down the back of my throat, and it was getting progressively worse. By the time 3 o’clock rolled around, I was pretty miserable. That night I laid in bed and my arms and legs just ached. I could barely swallow and when I did I gagged on what was in my throat. My poor, sweet girl… no wonder she was pitiful. It was miserable. Luckily I skipped the vomiting part, but it’s now Monday night and I’m still not 100%

Sweet girl starting to feel better. Dressing up and a good book are a great remedy for the yuckies.

Baby girl and I stayed home from church yesterday so we didn’t spread our germs and I’m glad we did. She had a meltdown after she woke up from her nap that lasted an hour. I’m still not exactly sure what was wrong, but she acted like something hurt. We finally gave her some pain medicine and after it had just enough time to kick in, she finally calmed down. Even today, she’s had crying spells, she hasn’t wanted to walk much at all but instead wants to be carried everywhere, and we’ve sat and cuddled more than we’ve done anything else. I told my husband today that I’m not going to lie – I kind of like it when she starts whining [okay, I really don’t like the whining part] and says, “I need to cuddle mama.” There were months and months after she was born, maybe even a whole year, where she just did not like to cuddle. So, even though it’s not super conducive to me getting things done, it makes me happy to hear that she wants to cuddle. I do hate that it’s because she doesn’t feel good. We’re going on a week that she’s been off.

Anyway, we made a commitment to give God some of the money He has blessed us with, and look, satan immediately freaked out. He attacked us hard. Nope, I’m not taking that money back to pay for whatever you’re throwing at me. You can’t threaten me. I KNOW that when I bless God, a wonderful side effect of it is that He will bless me right back again. I have no room for your financial strains and sickness. Bye.

The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully… He who supplies the seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness.

2 Corinthians 9:6 & 10

So, obviously it’s Wednesday now…I started writing this last week and finished Monday. Word vomit. I think I write these things to process them, to kind of take a step back and see them from a different perspective than the one I have when I’m smack dab in the middle of it. Also, it’s way easier to recognize satan’s attacks when you take a step back. I think I also just want to remember these things. Broken water heaters and sickness are real life. It may not be the picture-perfect moment that I’ll remember 20 years from now, but it’s still our life right now.

Birthday.

Waiting at yet another doctor’s appointment… figured I could write. So, my baby girl’s birthday is coming up. She will be TWO and this mama is feeling like time has skipped ahead. I just realized that the day we are having her party was her original due date in 2018. She ended up coming a week and a day early, but the date is still in my mind.

Last year, for her first birthday, my husband’s sweet cousin kind of took over the party planning because I mentally checked out. I was super overwhelmed by all the Pinterest-perfect ideas and all the things you “must” have and do. My advice? Don’t do what I did. Don’t freak out. Getting together with friends and family who love your child is the important thing. And don’t go broke over a one year old’s birthday party – it’s not worth it.

I used things I already had and bought things I could use again.

I knew I didn’t want to spend a ton of money on a bunch of chintzy items that were single use. After all, my kid was just turning one. Yes, the world makes a huge deal about it, but the fact is she won’t remember. She will have pictures to see what it was like later, but the party was really for the adults. Because of that, and because I really can’t stand useless waste, we tried to buy things we could use again and use things we already had.

The floral fields pattern from Target. It also has gold dots incorporated into some of the pieces. These exact flowers are stickers that are over her bed.

Her room is decorated in light pink and mint with some gold, and so we went with that color scheme. Several things in her room are from the Floral Fields collection of the Cloud Island products at Target, so we used that as inspiration for her party. I ended up buying a paper “happy birthday” sign at Hobby Lobby with those colors. I saved this sign and plan on using it this year as well. I bought a couple little porcelain jars in the dollar spot at Target (I refuse to call it Bullseye’s Playground or whatever it is now…) to decorate with and hold pushpins for a cork board I got at Hobby Lobby (more on that in a minute.) We also bought at Hobby Lobby a picture frame that held twelve photos, one for each month of her first year. We paid a bit for it, but justified it by saying that we could reuse it again by changing the words on it and turning around the clips (see pics).

I made a few things more cheaply than I could have bought them.

As far as making things, I wanted everything to kind of flow, so I bought some gold paint. I couldn’t find a “1” that wasn’t an arm and a leg that I liked for her cupcake, so I bought a cheap wooden one and painted it. I got OBSESSED with that gold paint, and started painting EVERYTHING gold, haha. The corkboard that I mentioned earlier, I used a stencil and sponge and painted some gold dots on it. I LOVE how it turned out, and it’s hanging in her room right now. I also ended up painting the pushpins as well, because GOLD PAINT! At the party, we had some heart-shaped post-its and pens out for family and friends to write her a note.

Ignore the unflattering chin shot of my kid, but here is the one I painted in GOLD PAINT!

I adore this corkboard. It’s one of my favorite pieces in her room and it’s so simple. We mostly use it to display artwork.

All I had to paint with at the time was a partially dried out craft sponge, but it made a really neat effect on the pins.

I also framed a piece of wallpaper that came from her room before we renovated, and I painted the matte for it with that gold paint. [Backstory for those who don’t know, we live in what used to be my granny’s house where I spent many weekends as a child. The room baby girl is in now used to be “my room”, so it holds a lot of precious memories.] I used a dry erase marker and wrote on the glass, and used it as a sign to explain the corkboard. This also is still in her room – I use it to write different notes and sayings on it.

In all honesty, I hadn’t changed this in forever until I typed out this post. I went a little overboard with the chalk markers while changing it up… I forgot how fun they are!

I made a banner for her high chair out of a sheet of pink foam and glitter letter stickers from Hobby Lobby and some string we had at home. (I also added a touch of the gold paint!) I plan on reusing this for this year’s party as well – I have more letters and “two” is the same amount of letters, so it works!

I reused things I already had.

We reused balloons that spelled out her name from one of her baby showers (they are all still inflated, except for one letter – I really want to reuse these again this year as well!)

I spent money on the important things, got the other things as cheaply as I could, and even borrowed a few things.

Where I spent most of the money for my sweet girl’s birthday was on the cake. And actually, my wonderful momma had already sneaked and paid for the cake before we went to pick it up. We have an amazing little bakery on Main Street and I absolutely love the cakes from there. It may cost a little more than if we bought it at the grocery store, but their cakes are amazing, and I like to support local businesses when I can! I just ordered this year’s cake from there, and I’m sure it will be phenomenal.

So delicious and GORGEOUS ❤

We bought generic pink and white plates, napkins, and plastic tablecloths from Dollar Tree. We had her party in the sanctuary of our church, so we were able to use several serving trays and bowls from the church’s kitchen.

Super simple food spread. We only did sweets because it was after lunchtime.

I even used a gift as decor.

Hubby’s cousin that did a lot of the planning made a letter “E” out of artificial flowers for baby girl that we used to decorate with as well. It hangs in her room, and I plan on incorporating it into this year’s party too.

How crazy talented is hubby’s cousin?!

I really like the challenge of reusing items and repurposing decor from our house. It saves money, and there’s not as much useless junk that you don’t know what to do with laying around. I’ll do another post about this year’s party later!

Moral of the story: a first birthday is just that, a first birthday. Your kid won’t remember it. It’s nice to get loved ones together, but I got seriously bent out of shape over it for no reason. The world puts way too much pressure on us as mamas to have everything just so, and it’s really not necessary. I recall when I was ordering the cake for this first birthday, the lady asked what kind of smash cake I wanted. When I told her I wasn’t doing one, she looked a little taken aback. Why is this even a thing? No judgement whatsoever if you have done one or are doing one, but personally, that’s too much wasted cake! A cupcake was a much better size for my tiny one year old who had barely ever had sugar before, and the effect was pretty much the same, I feel. Also, why break the bank? Spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a huge, fancy party for a one year old is quite over the top if you think about it. I’m trying to keep it as cheap as possible, but still nice and put together. I feel like baby girl’s first party was nice, and I didn’t have to sell a kidney to pay for it. I’m aiming for that again this year – no kidney selling please!

Christmas and Easter.

Y’all, this is why I say that my kid doesn’t really play with toys. She does, but most don’t hold her attention for very long. She would rather play with random items that she can move from one place to another. When I looked down and saw this scene today, I thought it was a little ironic.

Ever since Easter, this basket of plastic eggs has been one of her favorite things to play with. She carries it around, takes the eggs out and puts them somewhere else, sometimes opening them and then shutting them again on the way, and then carries them one by one back to the basket. It could entertain her for hours.

Sometimes our kids don’t act like we think they “should.” They don’t play with the expensive toys they have, they don’t like the things we want them to. They are their own people. Life is like this is as well. Often times, we have very specific plans for our lives because the world tells us we should. But, God has much bigger, better plans, and life rarely looks like we think it should. Sometimes, living in the moment looks like a bunny basket of Easter eggs under the Christmas tree. And that’s okay.

Full disclosure, this started out as an Instagram post, but I got a little long-winded. I keep feeling uninspired to write, but apparently all I have to do is start, and the words come. I see you, satan, trying to keep me from my calling. Not cool.