Tag: truth

Emotions.

This year, Easter has looked a bit different. We didn’t have the big  family dinner or the egg hunts with cousins like we normally do. We didn’t have the traditional Easter ham or dessert table. With illness, medical procedures, appointments, and the general busyness of life, we just couldn’t make it work this year.

Last night, it all caught up with me: The heaviness of what we’ve been going through over the last month and a half and what we still face, of the feeling of not being able to catch my breath as I move from one thing to the next every day, of the feeling of failure as certain things get put on the back burner, of the disappointment I’ve been feeling as things aren’t working out how I had hoped, of the Easter season and what God’s sacrifice means for me. I lost it last night. Tears flowed as I washed dishes that had been neglected for entirely too long. Anger flew out of me as I bent down to get a ziploc bag out of the drawer and I slammed it shut. Frustration with myself welled up inside as I surveyed our messy, dirty house. I felt responsible for everything all at once and guilt over having dropped so many balls, over not being able to carry it all, not only physically, but emotionally as well. I broke down.

The good thing about knowing Jesus is that you can trust Him to hold your stuff. He’s not only strong enough to do so, but He wants to. We were never meant to do all this alone. And knowing Him means that while I may lose my *crap* for a few minutes on a Saturday night, my emotions aren’t me. They don’t have the final say. I can take my messy, tangled, raw emotions and lay them at His feet. He can handle them. He can sort them out. He can guide my steps in the way I should go, and He can help me carry the things that are too heavy for me to shoulder on my own.

My sweet seven year old fell asleep on me today.

So, I’m thankful for our non-traditional Easter – for my mom coming to church with us this morning, for going out to eat with my mom and sister, for the snuggles I got because our daughter isn’t feeling well (she NAPPED on me!) Because, in the end, it’s not about the way you celebrate Easter. It’s about WHO you are celebrating ✝️❤️

Home Sweet Home.

Home. All kinds of people have often defined what home is. Comfort, peace, a soft landing place after a long day, just to name a few. Our daughter is a homebody (we are too). She LOVES being home. She would rather be there than anywhere. It makes going out to eat or going to church an issue every single time. She does not want to leave the house, even for something I know she will enjoy when she gets there [*ahem*, looking at you, school.]

My husband and I planned a trip coming up pretty soon that I KNOW our daughter will be excited about, because she has been talking about it since the last time we went. We told her the other morning, and she literally cried and said she didn’t want to go. She just wanted to stay home. Now, we’ve talked a lot about it since and I think she is getting more excited, but it’s a struggle.

Our daughter feeling completely at home on the grounds of Biltmore Estate a couple of years ago.

Her love of home keeps me so humble, and I just had this conversation with someone yesterday… I always think about that quote that floats around social media every now and then, “Remember that you prayed for what you have now.” And that’s SO TRUE. I have a husband who is my perfect partner in every way. We have a safe roof over our head in a safe neighborhood. We have a healthy, smart, beautiful child. We have a dog. We have enough money to put food on our table, to bless others, to get things we not only need but just want. I did, I prayed for all of this. So, when comparison and discontent creep in, our daughter’s love of our home keeps me in check. We have everything we need, and we’re comfortable and blessed.

Yesterday, we got a new shower installed in our daughter’s bathroom. It has probably needed to be replaced since we moved in, but we haven’t been able to do it until now. We lived with the old, stained, incredibly hard to clean textured tub from the ’70’s, but it always was something that bugged me about our house. Our daughter has cried and cried over the change in her bathroom. She loved the old tub. Last night as I put her to bed, she told me that home felt weird now because it had changed. Then she went into a long monologue about how much she loved home. She finished with, “Mama, can you make everywhere home?” Gosh, I wish I could.

Our home isn’t picture perfect, but it is the definition of comfort to our sweet girl.

I’m so thankful, humble, and blessed. I know that not all people, not all children have that safe space to land every day. And I pray that our home feels that way to anyone who comes into it. It’s a safe space, and you’re always welcome. There might just be dog hair everywhere and the kitchen may not be cleaned up from breakfast. But, people who love each other live here, and that’s really all that matters.

Waiting with patience.

For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Romans 8:22-25

I’ve got about a million things to do today before we leave on a mini-vacation next week. I honestly was not planning to get very deep in the word today… God had other, much better plans. I hurredly and out of sheer obligation said, “I’ll give you a few minutes,” and He said, “How about more than that?” Ugh, my priorities. I’m so sorry, Lord.
Anyway, I really liked the definition of hope in verses 24 and 25, but it doesn’t make much sense without some context. Plus, in verse 22 where it talks about us all collectively groaning? I felt that deep in my soul. Life is so very hard for all of us, and we’re all constantly battling something. To me, it’s so comforting to know that even the first Christians to receive the Holy Spirit felt the weight of it all. But I love what else it says – it’s the hope of something better to come that keeps us going, the same hope that saved us; God’s promises sustain us. The God that we’ve never physically seen gives us the strength to keep waiting. We wait patiently for the Lord because He was first patient with us. Our reward is not fully received this side of heaven. It’s not about this life so much. Our focus, our hope, our strength, rests in the unseen and eternal. The way this works is so beautiful to me. We groan inwardly as we wait eagerly. This is hope.

We hope because we believe God is who He says He is, and because we believe He is faithful to fulfill His promises. That led me to ask myself: What are we doing in the waiting? Praising, telling others, loving, caring for others, praying, learning? Or are we allowing ourselves to be distracted, wallowing in our hardships, being prideful and selfish? Do we make our hope look like something to want or do we push others away with our actions? Some things to ponder for sure, and some I definitely need to work on. I pray we all go into the new week with a renewed hope, waiting eagerly, even if we’re groaning inwardly, enduring because of our hope in Christ ❤

I wrote this last week and wanted to share. Since we’ve been back from our vacation, I’ve been in a funk. I don’t know if it’s post-vacation blues, or a fear of what could come of all the times we were in public this past week, or the fact that I had to come home and jump right back into work for a couple of days. I’ve had this feeling of impending doom, and I’ve felt physically blah. I’ve been irritable, short-tempered, and tense. I’m just not myself. I don’t know what that’s about, but I need it to stop. While we were gone, a husband and wife in our town were shot and killed. If you didn’t know them personally, you at least knew who they were. They were special to a lot of people. I have a family member and several acquaintances who were very close to them. They speak very highly of these people’s faith, love, and hospitality. It hurts my heart that our little town is going through this. And I think it shook me a bit – we don’t live very far from where it happened. If we had been here, would I have been driving by? My “what ifs” have been spiraling. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I don’t know. Prayers for me and for you this week as we all groan inwardly as we wait patiently on the Lord. We can endure because of His strength through the Holy Spirit in us.

Mom guilt.


The mom guilt today is real. I usually spend all day every day with my sweet girl, but the last two mornings, I’ve had appointments and errands in the morning, and she has stayed at the house with my mom. I work from home, and I always struggle with balance, but today it was about to send me over the edge. She, for whatever reason, didn’t take a nap. She laid in there for over an hour just playing and talking, and yelling at me every thirty minutes or so needing water or her blanket fixed or to tell me she loved me. I know she was having trouble sleeping, and I felt bad. But, I never truly understand how much I appreciate nap time until she doesn’t take a nap. My nerves were absolutely shot. I was trying to eat my lunch and get some work done, and just hearing her in there absolutely wound up was stressing me out. At some point, she wanted to get up, but it was like thirty minutes until nap time is usually over. I tried to explain to her that she had to just lay there and be quiet until it was time. She just kept yelling for me to come back, getting increasingly whiny and obstinate. You all, I snapped. I yelled. I stomped. I acted like a toddler. I had to leave the room and compose myself before I went back in. I scooped her up and held her in her chair. I told her I was sorry that she was having trouble falling asleep, and I apologized for losing my temper. She apologized for not being nice to me. And despite the fact that I was stressed about only having done exactly five minutes of work, I just sat there and let her lay on me. We both calmed down, and we just cuddled until it was time to get up. I don’t know if she was just feeling like she hadn’t seen me much lately or what, but that was what we both needed. This afternoon was the same old, “mama, will you play with me?” “In a few minutes, baby, mama has to finish her work.” Sprinkled with potty breaks, reaching a book off the tall shelf every five minutes, her handing me pretend paintings that she has “made”, and some general distractions. When I finally came to a stopping point with my work (I swear, I never actually finish) we went outside and played. That was nice, and I feel like we both felt better after that. Ugh, guys. How am I supposed to do it all? Be present, be productive, keep the house clean, the dishes and the laundry done, exercise, plan and eat healthy meals, read my bible, spend time in prayer, carve out time for my friends, spend time on my side gig, have “me time” (hahaha), pay the bills, keep things organized?? There aren’t enough hours in the week. Oh yeah.. and I should probably take a shower in there somewhere.. I’m tired.
Today had good and bad moments, like all days, but those bad moments sure did beat the crap out of me today. She went to bed knowing she is safe and loved, and I know that’s all that matters. But, I’d so like to do better at the in between stuff too. I’d like to set a better example of how to react to things. I’d like to show her love and grace better. I’d also like to pee in peace and have a nap. Mama life is hard sometimes. Okay, all the time. But the (rare) hugs and kisses make it worth it. The joy on her face when she does something she likes to do is worth it. The wisdom in her tiny little head is worth it. And the hours upon hours we spend reading books is worth it. She is so worth it.
Also, my husband is amazing and supports me in every way possible. He helps with the dishes, does most of the cooking, comes home and plays with our daughter while I finish up work. He is so helpful and I couldn’t do this crazy life without him ❤
On a completely unrelated and shallow note, my bed is a mess (see photo) and it needs help. I think the price of throw pillows is outrageous, and my husband doesn’t really understand the purpose of them. To him, they are just something that he has to take off before getting in the bed. But, you all, I want our bedroom, especially our bed, to be cozier and more inviting. Any tips?

Worthy of grace.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

Grace. Do we really believe that we are worthy of it? Every moment we have is another second of God’s grace. Every breath we breathe is a gift of grace from our Creator. First of all, the verse above hits home, because it really boils down to the fact that God gives us grace so that we can have what we need and then give the rest away. He gives us what we need and then some. Am I accepting that grace and then sharing it with others or just stuck on the fact that I don’t deserve it? I’ve been working on showing grace to others as part of living out a better example of love, but I can’t show others grace if I don’t fully appreciate my own. God spoke to me this morning about someone else I’ve been forgetting to extend grace to: myself. I’m my harshest critic; I’d say that’s true for a lot of people. I have very high expectations for myself, but very low motivation most of the time. That usually results in some major self-loathing. It’s not pretty, and it’s not what God wants for me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been on the wrong side of the fine line between humility and self-deprecating. It hurts my heart to know that seven year old me wrote in her journals about how ugly she was because she had moles, and how disgusting she was because she had an accident at school. I saw myself as disgusting. And I still do sometimes. The world teaches us to be really good at nit picking our flaws, because it’s easier to sell us a product to fix them if we are already obsessing over them. It’s scary how early this seeps into our daily thinking. When I worked at the daycare (have I mentioned this before? I worked at a daycare for eight years), I saw young kids worried about eating too much or that they wore a bigger size than their friends; I saw little faces already convinced that they needed makeup to look pretty; I saw fat-shaming and name calling and pure ugliness in these kids sometimes. I’ve also known young people whose parents have offered to pay for plastic surgery for their child because of a superficial flaw that the parent saw. This world is a mess: we are selfish, we are vain, we are lustful, we are hateful, we are prideful. How in the world can we deserve grace? I’ll let you in on a little secret – we don’t. But God gives it to us anyway. And not only that, He uses our sins to point others to His glory.
The other morning, baby girl and I read the story of Moses and the burning bush in her Bible story book. At the end of the story, it said something like, “Moses was special to God, you are special to Him too.” My sweet three year old looked up from her breakfast at me and said, “Mama, but I’m not special to God because sometimes I’m mean.” Oh my heart. That about killed me. I talked to her about how God loves us even when we are mean and hard to love. I told her that was called grace, and that’s why God is so good to us. No one else could love us like that. You all, a THREE YEAR OLD saw that she wasn’t worthy of God’s love. Why does it take adults so long to get it?

Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more…
Romans 5:20

Being convicted of our sins is painful, even my tiny girl saw a glimpse of that. God’s law is there to show us when we’re not living the way we’ve been called to live. We are supposed to feel the guilt and shame, but only so we can see the grace that is extended to us. We aren’t supposed to wallow in it, we aren’t made to live in that state of mind. But without first seeing why we need grace, the gift wouldn’t mean anything to us. I love when I see the word “but” in the bible, it usually means God is about to show up in a big way and do something only He can do. No one else, ever, could show us the grace and mercy and love that God shows us. No one could even come close. But we are called to try, to strive to love each other like sweet Jesus loves us.
Last summer, I decided to do something about my less than healthy lifestyle. I started out by walking around the block with my mom and daughter, then slowly worked in some intermittent jogging. By the fall, I could run/ jog all the way around our neighborhood once. It is only a half mile, but I got to where I could go around twice and not want to pass out. I’ve NEVER been a runner. I can’t breathe correctly when I run, and my lungs feel like they are on fire. I hurt my knee at some point and had to stick to walking for a few weeks, but I stuck with it. I was so proud of the discipline I had about it – I ran 4-5 times a week. Now, I didn’t eat any better than I ever had, I might have even eaten worse, so I wasn’t losing any weight, but I could tell I was toning myself. My clothes fit differently and my posture was better. I had more energy. I felt better. Then Thanksgiving came along and we didn’t go as often. Then December came and there were colder days and Christmas candy and goodies and I didn’t go at all. Now here we are in February and I’m pretty sure it’s been like two months since I’ve been out to run. And… I’ve been eating my feelings. A lot. I’ve gained like eleven pounds. And I was already heavier than I had been in several years. I now weigh the same as I did when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter, and it makes me feel awful. I feel huge. But I have to give myself grace. 2020 was hard on everyone, and our family was put through the ringer. Life is weird, change is hard, and we’re all just trying to cope. I’m not saying that this is the way it always needs to be, because it’s not. If I continue living the way I am, it will become downright unhealthy. But, I have to give myself grace. I can’t beat myself up over the way I look right now. What I can do is recognize that this isn’t sustainable, take that grace I so often forget I can have, and use it as motivation to do better. The last thing I want to do is let my daughter think it’s okay to put herself down. I don’t ever want to set that example. What I do want her to realize is that we all struggle sometimes, and that’s okay. We’re all a little mean sometimes, but we are still special to God and He loves us anyway. So, that’s why we keep trying, pushing, striving to do better. Because we are given grace.

Pursue love.

These are a few of my journal entries from the past week, and when I put them all together it was obvious that God was speaking love into my heart; not just that He loves me, but that I need to love others in that same way.

By this, all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

John 13:35

I know I visit this verse a lot, but I feel like it is so very important – especially in the divided world we live in. In his bible study on this verse, Jim asked us to think about how we relate to each other. When we meet someone new, a common question is, “what do you do?” and we usually answer that in regards to our work. But why do we do that? For most people, our work is a very small part of our identity. He points out that unless we wear a uniform or name tag, it’s impossible to tell for sure what kind of job we have without asking. My favorite thing he said was, “Our love for others should be as noticeable as a name tag or a uniform.” Yeah.
I’m convicted by this. What in the world does this kind of love look like? How could people see that? But then I’m reminded that Jesus already showed us what it looked like. He was our example. He tells us to love each other as He loves us. He tells us to be patient, kind, not boastful, envious, arrogant, or rude. (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.) We all need that reminder.
1 Corinthians 14:1 says, “Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy.” The prophesy part is another spiritual realization for another day, but these words: PURSUE LOVE, they are it. If we want to be close to God, we need to pursue love. God is love. The closer we get to Him, the easier it will be to love.


This is my motto for this week. I want to do better at living out the definition of love; and not just seeking God and His love, but pursuing it, chasing after Him daily with my whole heart.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This is one of the most famous passages in the bible – “the love passage,” that is frequently read at weddings. As I was reading it in reference to my last entry, I was convicted – more than that, God spoke directly to my heart. It got me thinking: we are called to follow Jesus’ example; Jesus is God; God is love… see where I’m going with this? There’s no denying that, as Christians, our goal is to strive to be an embodiment of the love described in this passage; and not just in romantic relationships, but ALL relationships, especially our relationships with other Christians. Then I had another thought – no wonder the world doesn’t like us. We mess this up A LOT, and we look like hypocrites. In the past year, we’ve let politics and a pandemic and other worldly things divide us. We’ve been downright ugly. Why would anybody want to follow Jesus if this is what it looks like?
It’s funny how something strikes me in application to people or Christians as a whole at first, but God always ends up pointing me in the direction of my own heart. Yeah, collectively, Christians have issues, but the solution starts in each individual’s heart. In my heart.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “patient and kind” are the first two virtues listed. I had a serious heart-to-heart with myself over this. My patience? Needs A LOT of work. My kindness? It’s usually conditional and rooted in convenience. I started thinking about all the instances throughout any given day that I have a chance to practice my patience: with my daughter (that feels like every second of every day), with my bosses, with myself, with my expectations, with people on social media, with my waiting on God to move. I decided the other day that Ineeded to be a better living example of this passage to my daughter especially – it’s vital, important work that God has given me to do. And don’t you know that as soon as I comitted to this, satan started working through my tiny girl to absolutely tear me apart. For like a day and a half I was miserable. I had lost my temper more times than I could count, I had yelled, I had overreacted. Last night after having to go back in her room at bedtime for the millionth time, I came out and just cried. I felt like a big failure. Then I opened my bible and dove into this “love passage.” God doesn’t tell us that living like this will be easy, but it’s so important.
And while we’re talking about things I need to work on, it mentions that love is not irritable… yeah, I allow myself to get irritated at the smallest things. I get irritated with other people – especially on social media. I think I need a refresher course in the whole “slow to anger” thing.
Also, as I read, I thought, “okay, I’m not resentful, moving on!” But the truth is, I am resentful. There are certain people that I feel a certain way about just because of something they did or said, even a long time ago. I do really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I learned a long time ago that slapping forever labels on people because of one instance or one conversation is so dangerous. People change, people grow, just as I have. But I know I still have so much more growing to do in this department.
I guess the biggest question I have about all this is what does it actually look like to bear, believe, and endure all things? Enduring is the easiest concept for me to understand – loving even though it’s hard, loving forever. And I guess bearing all things means helping each other carry whatever we are going through, no matter how hard. Okay, so, love believes all things. What does that mean? It seems so vague. We believe all God’s promises in regards to another person? We believe in the other person and never give up on them? Hmmm. I guess I need to think about what Jesus believes in regards to us: He believes we are worthy of love and salvation. He believes in giving us free will so that we can choose to love Him on our own. He believes that we are worthy of the responsibility of being His hands and feet.

So after diving deeper into “the love passage”, the next day, I saw it again. One of my favorite bloggers to follow, Amy Weatherly, posted the same passage with a very similar sentiment. I thanked her for the spiritual reinforcement. I don’t know her, and she probably has absolutely no idea who I am, but God used her to speak to me, to remind me of this week’s pursuit of love. Then today, someone on my Facebook posted a verse from this passage. I instantly stopped scrolling and knew that I was seeing exactly what I needed to see. I have a feeling that this pursuit of love is not just going to be this week’s theme. God seems to give me “themes”to work on in every season. Over the last few years He’s given me trust, faith, focus, and goodness to work on, just to name a few. I think this is going to be one of the big ones. I pray that my mind and heart are ready to receive the instruction He’s giving me. I pray that I go into the upcoming week with these instructions on my heart.

Inspired.

I’ve been feeling the urge to try and do some creative, artsy things lately. Being inspired by others is definitely something I didn’t expect to happen [because I’m generally uninspired, not because there isn’t an abundance of super inspirational people out there], but it’s what’s been the driving force of my creativity these days. Granted, almost all of this creativity is alleged, because it’s still in my head at the moment. I need a kick in the rear to motivate me to do just about anything.

I love Instagram mostly for one reason: I can control what I see. I only follow accounts that are going to inspire and uplift me, and I pass on everything else. I follow a lot of food-related accounts: chefs, restaurants, home bakers, and people who, like me, just like to eat food. Is being a patron of the culinary arts a thing? If so, I totally am. I also follow a lot of people who love what they do, and I’m so inspired by that. I want to love what I do and use it for the glory of God. I want to use my gifts in new, scary ways. (By the way, this is right now, sudden burst of creativity me speaking. In probably exactly ten minutes I will be utterly terrified by what I just typed out.) I want to create beautiful things and inspire others to do the same.

When I became a mom almost three years ago (!) I struggled with identity. I was so engrossed in breastfeeding and changing diapers and listening to every sound and watching every breath, that I literally could not remember who I was or what I liked to do. I would lay on the couch at night after baby girl was in bed and just stare. I wanted to do something, but nothing sounded enjoyable. Looking back, I think I probably had a bit of PPD going on, but at the time it was just how it was. I remember having a breakthrough moment where it just clicked that I needed to seek out who I was in Christ first, and that the rest would come later. That helped so much. Putting my focus back on God was how I eventually felt like myself again. Well, sort of myself. Bits of my old self came back and mixed with my new motherhood and made me into who I am today. Life is so weird. And beautiful.

When I was in high school and college, I made a lot of collages and did a lot of scrapbooking. I loved it. I know those activities probably date me, but I truly did enjoy it. To this day, the [small] graphic design element of my job is my favorite part. I always say I just “know what looks good and what doesn’t” Never having gone to school for any of that (French major over here…🙋‍♀️), I couldn’t even begin to explain even the basics of design. I know the rule of thirds, but that’s about it. That’s a thing, right?

Anyway, the other night, I just had the strongest urge to draw. I haven’t drawn anything in like, two decades probably. I don’t have a sketch pad, and it was like 10:30 PM and I didn’t want to go digging around in my desk for some paper. So I grabbed my bible journal with the intention of doodling in there, but I just wasn’t feeling it. [Side note: is anyone else out there like ridiculously picky about their journals? I love the cover of the one I have right now, but it isn’t spiral bound and it just makes me unreasonably angry to try to use it sometimes. I hate having to fight with it to make it stay open while I’m writing. Plus, there’s like this whole inch column down every other page that I just can’t quite get my pen in there to write… ugh. It’s a first world problem, for sure.] I remembered that you could draw on the note app on my phone and decided to give it a whirl. These particular words came to mind as soon as I sat down to doodle. It took me forever to get a version I like enough, and it’s still not perfect at all. My phone needs a stylus – finger writing on a screen just isn’t the same.

My husband and I need so many prayers of encouragement at the moment. I feel like God is moving in our hearts and leading us to something big and scary. If you all don’t know my husband a) you should, because he is the sweetest human being on the planet, and b) he is good at pretty much everything. Okay, not everything, but A LOT of things. He taught himself the bass, guitar (he plays this crazy good), piano, and drums. I always tease him that he can listen to a song once and instantly know how to play it on guitar (and that’s only exaggerating a little.) He is excellent at woodworking, plus he LOVES it. He was going to school for drafting and loved that. I’m telling you, anything he tries to do, he learns it quickly and well. Our pastor’s wife is in on this joke and commented on the pumpkin he painted a few weeks ago with perfectly straight free-handed triangles. I mean, seriously, he even paints pumpkins well. Anyway, there are so many things he is good at that I just know he knows how to do for a reason. I’m not speaking any specific idea out loud yet, because I don’t want to limit what God has in store for us. But, I’m almost certain we were meant to work together somehow, owning our own business. Prayers for boldness and discernment for that would be greatly appreciated.

A guitar that hubby has made, the infamous perfect pumpkin, and a baby play gym that I mentioned liking and he whipped one up in a few evenings (he even made the wooden rings!) This guy is ridiculous.

Anyway, this whole tangent started because I said I was feeling creative. So, here’s me, putting that out into the world. I pray that I can continue to be inspired, and that it will lead to something amazing!

Fires.

You all, I went into panic mode major yesterday. I got on the good ole Instagram to post this photo, and couldn’t find it. Ever since I had put an SD card into my phone, Instagram has had some issues pulling things from my phone’s gallery, so at first I didn’t think anything of it. But I went in and searched for it like I normally do in the SD card memory and it wasn’t there. I got to looking and a ton of my pictures were missing, like THOUSANDS of pictures. The SD card that had been about half full now said that almost all the memory was empty. I was FREAKING OUT. I was trying to stay calm hoping that somehow my husband could save the day when he got home from work. I then remembered that we had downloaded the Amazon photos app just a few weeks ago and had backed up our photos to that. The day was saved, right? Not quite. When I opened the app, all it was showing me were the same photos my phone said I had… just a couple hundred, not the thousands we had backed up. Well, I was totally freaked out then, and noticed that my phone was getting really hot. So, I took out the SD card and put it into my computer… it still said there was hardly anything on it. At this point, I was really trying to come to terms with the fact that I may had lost all my pictures of our life from the last year and a half (I had backed up earlier ones before this on a physical hard drive). All I had were the ones I had posted on Facebook. But, after removing the SD card from my phone, I closed all the apps, prayed, then opened the Amazon photo app again. They were all there except the ones taken after September 10th of this year. I was so ecstatic. I guess something happened that day, and I’m glad I caught it when I did.

When hubby got home he found a program online to scan the SD card and found (I think, I’m kind of afraid to look) all of my photos and videos hidden in the “free space” of the card. Yeah, I’m not using that anymore. Ugh.

A few days ago, I saw two different instances where local families’ houses had burned down and they had lost everything. I had already been thinking about the people affected by the wildfires out west, how horrible it would be to literally lose everything I own. Then, I saw some pictures from Rachael Ray’s [the TV chef. I sort of love her a lot!] home. Her house burned down several months ago from a fireplace fire, and she shared photos of the devastation as the new season of her show started. I cried. I can’t imagine losing everything. I mean, I know that everyone says, “as long as everyone is okay, it’s just stuff, it can be replaced.” And that’s true. People are far more important than any earthly thing. However, family heirlooms are not replaceable; your kids’ artwork and handmade gifts are not replaceable; your favorite book you’ve read a million times over the years that is worn in just the right way is not replaceable. These things are just lost. It got me thinking about life and how sometimes we need spiritual fires to make us move. Sometimes we have to be shaken and our world has to be turned upside down for us to wake up, to see things with fresh eyes, and to get up and move. When I’m really comfy on the couch, I don’t want to move; I’m perfectly content to be where I am and have no intention of moving until I absolutely have to. I’ve found out the hard way lately that life isn’t comfortable, and when we start to think we might be comfortable, change comes charging in before we ever know what hit us. It turns over the couch and throws us into the floor. Life is hard. I’ll say that again because it’s so stinking true: LIFE. IS. HARD.

All these “sayings” that you hear about life being about more than stuff, about how time goes so quickly, about how we’re never guaranteed tomorrow… those came from wise people. Those came from people who have lived it and know what they’re talking about. Those came from a place of love, trying to spare us from making the same mistakes and taking the same things for granted that they did. But for whatever reason, we humans seem to be inherently stubborn, and we think we know better. We have to find out for ourselves what we’ve heard all along. And it hurts. It’s so painful. And some people never realize it until it’s too late.

I know pictures are also just things, but they are more than that: they are irreplaceable reminders of memories that might otherwise fade. I’m so, so thankful that my hubby seemingly was able to recover them. My heart breaks for people who have lost tangible pieces of their lives and memories in fires or by other natural disasters.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes in fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6&7

I feel like in reference to this passage, “a little while” could be considered most of our earthly lives, because compared to eternity, it is in fact just a little while. This is our refining time, and being refined is often hard and painful. But, we can still rejoice in our grieving because of who God is and what He’s done for us, and is still doing for us every day. We can walk through hardships giving praise and honor and glory to Christ, because He has already overcome everything that we are facing. And I’m not saying that this life is all terrible by any means, because it’s not. God gives us daily, minute to minute reminders of how much He loves us and cares for us in the people we love, the beautiful sky, the wonder of nature, and so much more. We just have to slow down to really appreciate them.

Tired.

I’ve been writing in the notes of my phone like crazy lately, but actually sharing it with the world has been giving me pause. Everyone is hurting, suffering, or at least dealing in one way or another with the effects of this pandemic. I think I feel sometimes that my feelings aren’t relevant or important enough, so I keep them tucked neatly into my journal and phone. But, I know that people need to know they are not alone. I know that I want to use even my hardships to bless others. So, here’s a compilation of a few things I’ve written recently.

You all, I’m tired. I’m emotionally tired, I’m physically tired, and I’m mentally tired. I go through these emotional highs and lows – I’m happy, energetic, and hopeful one minute [that resulted in me having what I called a “cleaning fit” this morning and cleaning like a mad woman for like an hour] and the next minute I feel like I might cry if you look at me the wrong way. On top of that, stress and anxiety weigh on our physical health anyway, but I picked now to try to get “healthy” and I’ve been walking and running almost every day for over a month now [I’ve also now added in some Zumba as well.] I keep thinking the soreness and general tiredness will eventually get better, but it hasn’t so far. Now my knees hurt so bad all the time that I wince when I walk. I think I may have [somehow?] injured myself [this finally got better!]. Add that to the every day allergies, stomach issues, and an occasional migraine, and I’m exhausted. Also, my brain sucks lately. I feel like I can’t concentrate, I often can’t think of the right word, and I get confused so easily lately [probably because I’m not paying attention.] Again, I’m exhausted.I know that everyone is tired. We’re tired of worrying, of making hard decisions, of being careful. We’re tired of life being weird. And I know parents, teachers, school staff, and all the kiddos are so super tired of adjusting to new normals. I know healthcare professionals, nurses, doctors, emergency responders, caretakers, they’re beyond exhausted. I know store employees, restaurant workers, small business owners are also exhausted and eagerly awaiting things to go back to normal. We’re all weary from this crazy season in our own ways. I try to look for the good in every day, I really do. But some days it’s easier to do that than others.

If you feel lost and tired this is your song.A few weekends ago, we cleaned out a box from the garage, and we found a boom box from my adolescent days in there. It’s amazing – one of those things that middle school me just had to have – you know, the early 2000s see-through frosted plastic. It’s purple. It’s great. Well, ever since we took it out of the box, baby girl was obsessed with it – wanting to know what it was and what it did. So, that Sunday afternoon we took it into her room, plugged it in, and showed her how it worked. I grabbed a CD off the top of this box of CDs that’s sitting in our dining room / office that we’ve never unpacked [🤦‍♀️] and showed her how to use it. It was a compilation of big band songs, and we had the best time. We all danced in baby girl’s room; we twirled, we twisted, we jived. It was so much fun. That night when were getting ready for bed, she told me happily that she had such a fun afternoon. Who knew that listening to big band music on a purple boom box would bring so much joy to a two year old? I love that it’s the little things that seem to make her the happiest.

Ever since that day, she has been very interested in listening to more music, so we’ve slowly been pulling out different things. I definitely got an eclectic taste in music from my dad, so we’ve got a little bit of everything. Tonight [after jokingly offering to put in an Usher CD… “Yeah!” anybody?] hubby pulled out a CD that I hadn’t listened to in years; but the second it started, I felt the familiarity and warmth that it always evoked in me. You all, if you’ve never listened to The Robbie Seay Band, you’re missing out. Their album “Give Yourself Away” is some of the best “non-worship music” worship music I’ve ever heard. It definitely sounds more mid-two-thousands than I remember, but it still hit my emotions the same. And as I listened to the words I realized how relevant the whole album is. There’s a theme of finding the good in the midst of the bad, praising God simply because He is God, and clinging to God and each other in times of trouble.The above quote is from the song Shine Your Light on Us. Here are the rest of the lyrics:

Oh, my God shine Your light on us
That we might live
And oh, my God shine Your light on us
That we might liveI’ve been holding on
And I’ve been holding onAll that is inside of me
Screams to come back homeAnd if you feel lost, if you feel lost
Sing along
And if you feel tired, if you feel tired
Sing alongAnd if you feel lost and tired
This is your song, yeahAnd I’ve been broken down
And I’ve been broken down
But I ain’t giving up
Love will come back around

These lyrics are good, but man, you have to listen to the song. The instruments, the voices… The emotion in all the songs on the album is simply amazing.My very favorite Robbie Seay Band song, however, probably won me over because it mentions coffee. Also, I just feel it in my soul. Like I said, I got my love of music from my dad, so maybe not everyone feels music emotionally like I do, but I’m so glad that I do. This song just hits me deep inside, I don’t know how to explain it… anybody else out there feel that way about a song?

New Day:I’m gonna sing this song to let you know that you’re not alone
And if you’re like me, you need hope, coffee and melody
So sit back down and let the world keep spinning ’round
For yesterday’s gone and today is waiting on you to show your faceAnd it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new dayI’m a pilgrim soul, I’ve traveled far and come back home
And this land is hard and cold for those who long to love
And I know it might seem that the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2 A.M. and we’re still aliveAnd it might not be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise
But it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new dayIt’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I’m back again
The clouds that roll by crossing moonlight
Me and you, love, everything’s alrightStanding in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we’re spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day for the rest of your life
Me and you, love, everything’s gonna be alrightAnd it just might be the prettiest thing that you’ll ever see
Well it’s a new day, ah baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside to see a beautiful sunrise
Well it’s a new day, ah new day, it’s a new day

Beside the obvious mention of my beloved coffee, I just realized that there are probably several reasons this song speaks to me. For one, I’ve mentioned before on here that one of my favorite bible verses is from Lamentations 3 about how God’s mercies are new every morning (verse 23). There’s something that’s always been so comforting to me to think about that even though I really screwed up yesterday, I can start over today. Even though I was unfocused, rebellious, selfish, whatever, I can start again today. I have a chance to do better today. And that is beautiful to me, that God loves us so much to give us not just a second or third or even fourth chance, but a new chance every single day.I think this song also speaks to me because God has really been driving home the “beauty in the every day” point with me, in the last few years especially. The world tells us that life should look a certain way, and when it inevitably doesn’t, we get disappointed or we work even harder, trying to reach an unattainable standard. We waste so much time on ideals that we miss life. Looking for the extraordinary in the mundane, taking a step back and acknowledging the beauty in what God has created, appreciating the little things, seeing the blessing in the mess – it’s what makes life joyful.Lastly, I think this song does a wonderful job at addressing what we’re all feeling right now. I’ve seen so much good come out of this pandemic, but not nearly as much as there should be. The world is divided. People are angry. People are hurt. People are scared. And as a Christian, it’s easy to get distracted from what loving each other really looks like. The world tells us one thing, while Jesus tells us something completely different. It’s so hard to love like Jesus, but it’s something we all need to continue to strive for. We have to remember that each day we can start over; we can ask God to give us His heart for other people, and we can go out and be His hands and feet. Each day, even though the world seems like it’s literally falling apart, we still have each other and we still have God’s sweet reminders of His love. That’s what should keep us going.

Called.

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-18

If ever there were a specific passage for a specific time, this is perfect for right now. Of course, it applies every day, but this is such a timely reminder of how we are called to live as Christians. I feel like in a time when we are all so self-centered and only focused on our own comfort and happiness, we need this encouragement and nudge in the right direction. My heart has been so heavy lately seeing all the hate and selfishness in this world. I know the bible warns us how evil the world is, but I’m not sure I realized the extent of it until this year. Sure, I knew evil people existed and caused their share of problems, but I think I assumed the majority of people in the world were generally good. This year has sure taught me otherwise. This year has not only forced me to see the reality of the evil that runs rampant in the world, but it has also made me greatly reevaluate my own intention and focus. It has made me take another look at my role in not only my life, but society in general. That last line of the passage gets me. The things listed are God’s will for us, it comes right out and says it. So many times I’ve felt like I didn’t know what God wanted of me, but He spells it out very plainly here.

Admonish the idle: my bible also includes the words “disorderly” and “undisciplined.” If we’re honest, we’re all a little disorderly sometimes, and God knows I’ve got a lot of work to do in the discipline department. The word “admonish” means to warn, advise, or urge (someone) earnestly. To me, this is a great reminder that we are called to keep each other accountable when it comes to our Christian walk. We are called to (in love) point out when someone is missing the mark. Likewise, we are called to be humble, so that when we are admonished by our brothers and sisters, we can keep our heart open to God’s direction, address it with grace, and make changes if necessary.

Encourage the fainthearted + help the weak: to me, this goes along with the first thing. We’re all weak sometimes. We all struggle with some thing or another. We all go astray sometimes. That’s why it’s so important to build each other up, encourage each other, and together turn back to God. We can’t do life well and be who we are called to be without each other’s love and support. We’re made for each other, just as we are made for God. Following Him is a lot easier when we have help.

Be patient with them all: whew, this is something I’m working on myself. I’ve seen so many people that I love lately be inconsiderate and selfish, hurtful out of arrogance, and just plain mean and nasty. And I’ll be the first to admit that my reaction to seeing this is not patience out of love – more often than not, it’s impatience out of anger. I need to work on that whole “slow to anger” thing. It just really gets me going when I see people mistreating other people, whatever the reason may be. And that’s where another hard concept comes in: loving the sinner while hating their sin. That’s another huge thing for another day.

Seek to do good: I love that this says, “to one another and to everyone.” We are to strive to do good to everyone – and that doesn’t just include our family, friends, and church, nor is it limited to people we like or agree with. It’s everyone.

Rejoice always + give thanks in all circumstances: God is always good. Always. Even when we don’t feel it, even when it seems our world is crumbling around us, even when it seems there is no hope in humanity anymore. God is still good, and there is always something to be thankful for if we step back and really ponder on who God is and what He’s done for us.

Pray without ceasing: talking to God through everything helps us stay focused on our calling, alert of evil and temptations around us, and keeps us in the right frame of mind. When we pray, we are more likely to see things with a heavenly perspective.

I’m not sure if God could send us a clearer message about how to treat people. I am sure that Christians as a whole are not following these instructions. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, we’re human and we’re going to mess it up. But, we also have the Holy Spirit and [ideally] each other to help us along. We should be doing better. We have work to do. I know that sounds daunting and hard and uncomfortable. I know it’s easier to just worry about ourselves. I know sometimes it feels as if it’s us against the world. But guess what? God has already overcome the world. We don’t have to. He’s gone before us and made a way for us to live as He has called us to.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33