Tag: writing

Works.

In going through some of my previous bible devotions, I found this that I wrote in March. It reminded me that I already had a heart project going on when I decided to I would finally obey and start this blog… a heart project I had started to forget about in the anxiety of publishing my words.

You believe God is One; you do well. Even the demons believe – and shudder! Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless?

James 2:19&20

This passage always gets me, and makes me think of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (such a good book if you haven’t read it!) Satan himself knows that Jesus is the Son of God, that’s why he attacks us so. Evil in the purest form believes in the one true God, so when people say they believe in God, it’s not really much of a thing to say. We are called to live our lives like we believe in God. That belief should be causing us to act in some way or another.

Where I get tripped up is that when I see the word “works” in this passage, I think I need to be out in the street feeding the hungry or teaching orphans in Africa – and if that is what God lays on my heart, then by all means, I should. However, I forget that it also just means action. How am I living differently than I would otherwise because I believe? Do I have a joy that the world can’t take away? Do I see God as Lord of all, and therefore use my time to praise His name? Do I take comfort that His plan is better when something’s not going the way I think it should? Do I use the talents and abilities He has given me to glorify Him in my day to day life? “Works” aren’t just these grandiose gestures that I usually think of, they are faith in action in our everyday lives. It’s living like we believe, not just saying we do.

Lately, after feeling like I’m not giving God my absolute all, I’ve been praying for Him to show me what I’m holding back. I think I assumed it was one big thing I was holding on to, but He’s been showing me all sorts of little daily things that I keep forgetting to hand over. My work is definitely one of these things, but it has been even smaller aspects like [Baby Girl’s] sleeping habits and what we’re going to have for dinner. I think I just assume that these things are too small for God to waste His time with, and that I can handle them myself. However, these small things are the very things satan uses to get in my head, to tell me I’m not good enough. So, they are definitely things I should be handing over to God, because He wants it all – even the [maybe not so] little things.

I’ve gotten distracted lately by focusing on giving God this big thing (my blog), and have forgotten once again to hand over every seemingly minute aspect of my life. Because of this, I can once again feel satan wedging in, using these tiny worries I have to give me big anxieties and insecurities. I can tell that I’m not giving God my all, only a small, specific portion of my life that I have divided out just for Him. This is a scary realization, and I pray that He makes me more aware of the times I try to “go it alone.”

Beginning.

I wrote this at the beginning of March, and I just love everything about it. It needs to be shared with you all:

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

Acts 20:24

I had to look up the verses around this one to really understand what was going on. Paul is talking to Ephesian leaders about his life. He says he doesn’t always know where the Holy Spirit is going to lead him, but he can be sure that he will most likely face some sort of adversity, persecution, or physical harm. But to him it’s worth it. His physical being, he realizes, is not as important as the task God has charged him with. So, even if he is facing trials, he is happy to do it.

IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.

My poor, tired, teething baby. I feel you, girl.

I sat down to do this devotion yesterday, and immediately the baby woke up from her nap. She’s got four teeth coming in, and we’ve been working on changing her schedule. For the past three nights, she has whined in her sleep all night – so mama hasn’t gotten much sleep. Work is kind of busy, and I’ve had this lingering abdominal pain since Sunday that just doesn’t want to seem to go away. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions. As soon as I feel like I’ve got one thing under control, something else happens. I typed out a quick note on my phone this morning to address these complaints. At the end, however, I realized that by being bogged down by everything going on and everything I “have to” do, I was missing out on God’s plan for my day. Yes, He can help me take care of all that stuff (or show me that it’s not actually that important), but He can also give me opportunities to love those around me, to talk to someone who is lonely, or to be in the right place at the right time. It’s not about my to-do list, it’s about God’s will.

For this devotion, Jim used a quote from Oswald Chambers. I’m not going to write it out – BUT IT’S SO GOOD – but the gist of it is this: it’s easier to “live for God” on our own terms without actually consulting God. We can do “Christian-like” things that we’re comfortable with, without questioning if it is in fact what God has actually put on our hearts to do. Jim says, “if we choose to never hear Him, we will never find the true life of a disciple.” [Link to mentioned devotion and quotes here.]

This steps on my toes for two reasons: 1) My to-do list? Not that important after all. 2) What is God calling me to really do? Well, sometimes I find that tricky to discern. God made me a mother, and I feel like that’s the very most direct way we can follow the great commission: as parents, we are making disciples of our children; it’s hard and important work. Also, lately I’ve followed a blogger on Facebook. She posts inspirational, real, and sometimes funny things about motherhood, being a woman, and following Jesus. I’ve always loved to journal, and it’s definitely the most eloquent way I can get my thoughts down – I’m a terrible speaker, even in everyday conversation. I’ve also been reading The Magnolia Journal and the Gaines’ books. Joanna is all about living purposefully and authentically, and it really speaks to me. I’ve started to feel a little nudge; okay, so, I’ve actually heard the word, “words,” spoken to me while praying for God to show me how to use my talents for His purpose.

I remember writing this out, and my heart was racing. I had never spoken out loud that nudge I had been feeling, much less even written it down. The fact that I wrote it out, acknowledged it, made it seem so much more real, and so much more frightening. Of course, God knew that I knew before that. He knew that I was, and still am, scared. But, He also knows the great things He can accomplish through me if I just get out of the way. That is so very comforting.

The new old me.

You know, it’s so funny how we forget things we once knew. I used to have a livejournal… does anyone remember those? I can’t find the one I had in high school… at the moment I can’t even remember what it was called. But, I created a more “grownup” account when I was in college. I got an email from livejournal the other day, reminding me that it was almost my husband’s birthday (he was literally the only follower I had on that account, because he used to be a loser who had a livejournal as well.) I clicked on my account last night from that email and ended up reading my own words for over an hour. I was astounded by how much my outlook on life has changed, how much my writing style has changed, and how much my struggles haven’t really changed. My jaw dropped when I read this from 2013!

Anyway. I really do want to write in here.. or somewhere. I read all these blogs and things that are linked through pins on Pinterest, and I always think, “I would love to keep up a blog like that!” Something inspirational with helpful life tips, things I’ve learned along the way, encouragement for those who need it, etc. I really, really want to. What else do I want to do? Let me tell you: I want to have a job where I can make money from home.. specifically an editing job would be perfect. Where I get to translate a little French? Even better. I want to get pregnant. I want to learn to sew. I want to get caught up on my scrapbooking. I want to be a housewife, dang it!

Goodness. Who knew my blogging journey went back that far? Not me, that’s for sure. Also, quite a bit of that has actually come to pass: I have a job that [mostly] allows me to work from home and is very flexible, I did get pregnant [twice] and now have my sweet girl, and obviously I finally did start my blog. I guess I can still dream about that editing job, and I would have to brush up on my French a lot before I could even think about a translating job. I still haven’t learned to sew. I’m completely terrified of my sewing machine. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. And the scrapbooking thing makes me laugh – I used to absolutely love scrapbooking. I made a book for my husband and made a page for each reason I loved him or all the fun things we did together. Now I don’t even know where everything is. It’s scattered all over the house from our move. Maybe one day when we get our den/ office set up, I’ll get back to it.

Now that I’ve rediscovered my old journal, I might publish some of that as well. I surprised myself with how cheery and hopeful I used to be. It’s like I was wearing rose-colored glasses. I need more of that me back. I need to be reminded of how I was and what I’ve already overcome… apparently I forgot a lot of it somewhere along the way.

Pause.

I have a confession to make. I’ve been listening to the wrong voice. I’ve been letting satan give me pause. I’ve given in to fear and doubt. I’ve been quiet the last few days because, honestly, I’ve been scared.

I started a Facebook page so that my friends and family could follow and share what I was writing about. I made a pretty, new logo and spent an hour looking for the perfect cover photo. I posted my favorite blog posts with eye-catching pictures and shared a couple on my personal page. I even worked up the courage to send invitations to my friends and family to like my shiny new page. I used all the best marketing skills I’ve learned over the last few years at my job. And I felt like a fake. I made it look pretty, I appeared confident about my new journey, but I’m really scared, my thoughts are a mess, and I constantly feel like I’m bothering or annoying people with my words.

Despite the several immediate “likes” I got from friends, family, and even people I hardly speak to anymore, I felt they were doing it out of pity or because they were family and felt like they had to. I started hearing that voice that I heard when I first started this blog, “Nobody wants to hear what you have to say. Who cares what you think? You’re just one voice. Now everyone you know can read your words – what if you inadvertently offend somebody?…” I got quite a few likes on Facebook the first couple of days, but new followers have died down now. And, I’ve gone several days without a single view on WordPress. I let these statistics get to me. I used them as proof of what those voices were telling me: writing is pointless.

But, then I remember why I started this thing, and again I’m reminded that it’s not about me.

So, in striving for complete honesty, I’m letting you in on my struggle. I’m not fishing for compliments, but sometimes I need encouragement. And I really have been getting it – old friends thanking me for reminders to be grateful, private messages from people telling me that my words spoke directly to them. But it’s like I chose to ignore this encouragement and focus on my doubt. I guess the best way I can look at it is that satan wouldn’t attack me if I weren’t doing something that scared him, so that’s exactly why I have to keep going.

It’s taken me two days since I even started typing this out to actually publish it. I’ve gone back and added, deleted, and edited so many times. I’ve read it over and over, making sure I don’t sound too whiny (I still think I do) or like I’m complaining about my calling. I’m not happy with this writing at all, but I’m going to publish it anyway. I told you all from the beginning that this might get messy – well, here’s the mess. I’m trying to be an obedient mess.

Words.

I’m kind of annoying myself with the ridiculous marathon of posts I feel like I’m making, but as I’ve said before, I knew what God wanted me to do long before I actually did it.

I’ve been writing for myself about as long as I can remember (cue the backstory about how my favorite elementary school teacher encouraged us to write in journals often, and I’ve been doing it ever since. Maybe I’ll find that journal again one day and give you all a glimpse. It’s really something.) I’ve got at least ten bible journals full of writing that I may or may not end up sharing. But, as recently as this year, when I really started hearing very clearly what I was to do (but still resisting change and attention in a way only I know how), I started typing things out in the notes on my phone. Some were random thoughts, some were memories, some were reflections on life. I’ve already posted a few of those, but there are many more. This blog was a thing before it was actually a thing.

I used to only write for me: mostly to remember – an event, a thought I had, I even tried my hand at poetry and short stories for while after high school (I thought at the time I would want to remember those… yikes); sometimes I wrote to work through something that I couldn’t quite articulate in my head. I’m so much more comfortable writing than I am speaking. I love texting. I love the fact that I can read and reread and revise my text until it says exactly what I want it to say. I stumble over my words when I speak, and I end up sounding stupid or saying something completely different than I actually wanted to. So, as much as I am uncomfortable with writing where others can read it, writing is my comfort zone. I feel more at ease, because I can micromanage word order, language, grammar… I love it.

This new adventure I’m on is still uncomfortable to me, though. I’m not used to being the one who is being directly and so overtly used by God. I’m used to being in the background, and I really like it back there. I’m an empathetic bystander; I’m like a book editor, a product rater, or a teacher’s assistant who grades papers. If you ask, I will give you an honest opinion about something someone else has done. I’m not one who does, I’m not one who creates, I’m not one who innovates, I’m not one who initiates. I’m just not. So to write for others is such a strange concept to me.

I went into this with the hope that other women could read about what my family has gone through and feel like they are not alone. But so very often, God has bigger plans than we do. The day after my husband shared my blog, he told me that two separate MEN told him how much they liked it. So much for my tiny expectations. God said, “watch what I can do!” I’m sure women will be blessed by it as well, but that just blew my mind.

I pray that God keeps doing expectation-shattering things with what little I give Him.

Humble.

So, I wrote these words this morning and I just had to share.

Hubby shared my blog on Facebook last night for our friends and family to see, and I’ve been scared to death ever since. On the flip side, I also have an overwhelming sense of peace, and I think it’s because I’m finally doing what God has called me to do after all this time of making excuses, stalling, and just flat out saying, “no.”

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Colossians 3:17

I stumbled across this verse this morning. I’ve read it hundreds of times, I’m sure, but today it had a whole new meaning. Isn’t the living Word amazing?! While I’m over here freaking out because I don’t want people to know my innermost thoughts or to see my vulnerabilities, I’m missing the point. My writing is to glorify Him and to help His people; it literally has nothing to do with me. I wouldn’t have words if He didn’t give me a mind to think them. I wouldn’t have experiences to share if He hadn’t given me my body, my life, the people around me. And I definitely wouldn’t have the courage to share any of it if it weren’t for the Holy Spirit, if it weren’t for the importance of what He’s called me to do. Everything I am is because of God and for God.

I will inevitably freak out again during this journey, because that’s just how I am. But, if I keep this verse at the front of my mind, I think my insecurities will disappear more quickly next time. God’s got this.

Also, I had to screenshot my “stats” from this thing since I started. Can you tell when hubby shared it on Facebook?